Mr. Dooley Says Read online

  EXPERT TESTIMONY

  "What's an expert witness?" asked Mr. Hennessy.

  "An expert witness," said Mr. Dooley, "is a doctor that thinks a manmust be crazy to be rich. That's thrue iv most iv us, but these doctorsdon't mean it th' way I do. Their theery is that annything th' rich dothat ye want to do an' don't do is looney. As between two men withmoney, th' wan with most money is craziest. If ye want a diploma f'rsanity, Hinnissy, th' on'y chance ye have iv gettin' it is to commit acrime an' file an invintory iv ye'er estate with th' coort. Ye'll get acerty-ficate iv sanity that ye'll be able to show with pride whin ye'relet out iv Joliet.

  "In th' old days if a man kilt another man he took three jumps fr'm th'scene iv th' disaster to th' north corrydor iv th' County Jail. Thatstill goes f'r th' poor man. No wan has thried to rob him iv th'privilege won f'r him be his ancestors iv bein' quickly an' completelyhanged. A photygraph iv him is took without a collar, he's yanked befurean awful coort iv justice, a deef-mute lawyer is appinted to look aftherhis inthrests an' see that they don't suffer be bein' kept in th' stuffyatmosphere iv th' coortroom, th' State's attorney presints a handsomepitcher iv him as a fiend in human form, th' judge insthructs th' juryiv onprejudiced jurors in a hurry to get home that they ar-re th' solejudges iv th' law an' th' fact, th' law bein' that he ought to be hangedan' th' fact bein' that he will be hanged, an' befure our proletoryfrind comes out iv his thrance he's havin' his first thorough fill-up ivham an' eggs, an' th' clargy ar-re showin' an amount iv inthrest in himthat must be surprisin' to a man iv his humble station.

  "A few days later I r-read in th' pa-apers in a column called 'BriefNews Jottings,' just below a paragraph about th' meetin' iv th'Dairyman's Assocyation, an account iv how justice has pursooed her grimcoorse in th' case iv John Adamowski. An' I'm thankful to know that th'law has been avinged, that life an' property again ar-re safe in ourfair land iv freedom, an' that th' wretched criminal lived long enoughto get all he wanted to eat.

  "Justice is all a poor criminal asks f'r, an' that's what he gets. Hedon't desarve a anny betther. 'Tis like askin' on'y f'r a pair iv doocesin a car-d game an' havin to bet thim. If I done wrong I'd say: 'Don'tdeal me anny justice. Keep it f'r thim that wants it. Undher th'circumstances all I ask is a gr-reat deal iv injustice an' much mercy. Ido not ask to be acquitted be a jury iv me peers. I am a modest man an'I'll accipt me freedom fr'm th' humblest bailiff in th' land. I do notcare to come triumphant out iv this ordeel an' repoort other cases f'rth' newspa-apers. All I ask is a block's start an' some wan holdin' th'polisman's coattails. I waive me right to be thried be an incorruptible,fair, an' onprejudiced Judge. Give me wan that's onfair an' prejudicedan' that ye can slip somethin' to.

  "No, sir, whin a man's broke an' does something wrong, th' on'y templeiv justice he ought to get into is a freight car goin' West. Don't niverthrust that there tough-lookin' lady with th' soord in her hand an' th'handkerchief over her eyes. She may be blind, though I've seen thrileswhere she raised th' bandage an' winked at th' aujence--she may beblind, but 'tis th' fine sinse iv touch she has, an' if ye vinture intoher lodgins an' she goes through ye'er pockets an' finds on'y th'pawnticket f'r th' watch ye stole off Hogan, she locks th' dure, takesoff th' handkerchief, an' goes at ye with th' soord.

  "But suppose ye have a little iv th' useful with ye. Ye br-reak intoHogan's house some night sufferin' fr'm an incontrollable impulse totake his watch. Don't get mad, now. I'm on'y supposin' all this. Yewudden't take his watch. He has no watch. Well, he's sound asleep. Yegive him a good crack on th' head so he won't be disturbed, an' hook th'clock fr'm undher th' pillow. Th' next day ye're arristed. Th' pa-aperscomes out with th' news: 'Haughty sign iv wealthy fam'ly steals watchfr'm awful Hogan. Full account iv dhreadful career iv th' victim.Unwritten law to be invoked,' an' there's an article to show that annywan has a right to take Hogan's watch, that he was not a proper man tohave th' care iv a watch, annyhow, an' that ye done well to hook it.This is always th' first step to'rd securin' cold justice f'r th' rich.Ye're next ilicted a mimber iv nearly all th' ministers' assocyations,an' finally, in ordher that th' law may be enfoorced without regard topersons, an expert witness is hired f'r ye.

  "Th' thrile begins. Ye walk in with a quick, nervous sthride an' set th'watch be th' coort clock. 'Ar-re ye guilty or not guilty?' says th'clerk. 'Guilty an' glad iv it,' says ye'er lawyer amid cheers an'hisses. 'Have ye th' watch with ye?' says th' coort. 'I have,' says th'pris'ner, smilin' in his peculiar way. 'Lave me look at it,' says th'coort. 'I will not,' says the pris'ner, puttin' it back into his pocket.'How ar-re ye goin' to defind this crook?' says th' Judge. 'We ar-regoin' to prove that at th' time he committed this crime he was insane,'says th' lawyer. 'I object,' says th' State's attorney. 'It is not legalto inthrajooce evidence iv insanity till th' proper foundations isestablished. Th' defince must prove that th' pris'ner has money. How dowe know he isn't broke like th' rest iv us?' Th' coort: 'How much moneyhave ye got?' The pris'ner: 'Two millyon dollars, but I expect more.'Th' coort: 'Objection overruled.'

  "Th' expert is called. 'Doctor, what expeeryence have ye had among th'head cures?' 'I have been f'r forty years in an asylum.' 'As guest orlandlord?' 'As both.' 'Now, doctor, I will ask you a question.Supposin' this pris'ner to be a man with a whole lot iv money, an'supposin' he wint to this house on th' night in question, an' suppose itwas snowin', an' suppose it wasn't, an' suppose he turned fr'm th' righthand corner to th' left goin' upstairs, an' supposin' he wore a plug hatan' a pair iv skates, an' supposin' th' next day was Winsday--' 'Iobjict,' says th' State's attorney. 'Th' statues, with which me larnedfrind is no doubt familiar, though I be darned if he shows it, f'rbidsth' mention iv th' days iv th' week.' 'Scratch out Winsday an'substichoot four o'clock in Janooary,' says th' coort. 'Now, how doesth' sentence r-read?' 'Th' next day was four o'clock in Janooary--an'supposin' th' amount iv money, an' supposin' ye haven't got a very largesalary holdin' th' chair iv conniption fits at th' college, an'supposin' ye don't get a cent onless ye answer r-right, I ask ye, on th'night in question whin th' pris'ner grabbed th' clock, was he or was henot funny at th' roof?' 'I objict to th' form iv question,' says th'State's attorney. 'In th' eighth sintince I move to sthrike out th'wurrud and as unconstitutional, unprofissyonal, an' conthry to th'laws iv evidence.' 'My Gawd, has my clint no rights in this coort?' saysth' other lawyer. 'Ye bet he has,' says th' coort. 'We'll sthrike outth' wurrud and but well substichoot th' more proper wurrud"aloofness."

  "'Did ye see th' pris'ner afther his arrest?' 'I did.' 'Where?' 'In th'pa-apers.' 'What was he doin'?' 'His back was tur-rned.' 'What did thatindicate to ye?' 'That he had been sufferin' fr'm a variety iv tomaineexcelsis--' 'Greek wurruds,' says th' coort. 'Latin an' Greek,' says th'expert. 'Pro-ceed,' says th' coort. 'I come to th' conclusion,' says th'expert, 'that th' man, when he hooked th' watch, was sufferin' fr'm asudden tempest in his head, a sudden explosion as it were, a sudden Idon't know-what-th'-divvle-it-was, that kind iv wint off in hischimbley, like a storm at sea.' 'Was he in anny way bug befure th'crime?' 'Not a bit. He suffered fr'm warts whin a boy, which sometimesleads to bozimbral hoptocollographophiloplutomania, or what th' Germanscall tantrums, but me gin'ral con-clusion was that he was perfectly saneall his life till this minnyit, an' that so much sanity wint to his headan' blew th' cover off.'

  "'Has he been sane iver since?' says the lawyer. 'Ye'd betther have acare how ye answer that question, me boy,' says th' pris'ner, carelesslyjingling th' loose change in his pocket. 'Sane?' says th' expert. 'Well,I shud think he was. Why, I can hardly imagine how he stayedfeather-headed long enough to take th' villan's joolry. Sane, says ye? Idon't mean anny disrespect to th' coort or th' bar, but if ye gintlemenhad half as much good brains in ye'er head as he has, ye'd not bewastin' ye'er time here. There ain't a man in this counthry th' akel ivthis gr-reat man. Talk about Dan'l Webster, he was an idyut comparedwith this joynt intelleck. No, sir, he's a fine, thoughtful, able,magnificent specimen iv man an' has been iver since between twelve fouran' twelve four-an'-a-
half on that fatal night. An' a good fellow atthat.'

  "'What d'ye propose to do to stand this here testymony off?' says th'Judge. 'I propose,' says th' State's attorney, 'to prove be some raleexperts, men who have earned their repytations be testifyin' eight waysfr'm th' jack in a dozen criminal cases, that so far fr'm bein' insaneon this particklar night, this was th' on'y time that he was perfecklysane.' 'Oh, look here, Judge,' says Bedalia Sassyfrass iv _Th' DailyFluff_, 'this here has gone far enough. Th' man's not guilty, an' if yedon't want a few remarks printed about ye, that'll do ye no good, ye'lllet him off.' 'Don't pay anny attintion to what she says, Fitzy,' saysanother lady. 'Her decayed newspa-aper has no more circulation thin acucumber. We expict ye to follow th' insthructions printed in ourvallyable journal this mornin'.'

  "'Sir,' says a tall man, risin' in his place, 'I am th' Riv'rendThompson Jubb.' 'Not th' notoryous shepherd iv that name?' 'Th' same,'says th' Riv'rend Jubb. 'That lowly worker in th' vineyard iv th' Lordwho astonished th' wurruld be atin' glass in th' pulpit an' havin' th'Bible tattooed on him. I wish th' privilege iv standin' on me head an'playin' "A charge to keep I have" on the accorjeen with me feet.'Granted,' says th' coort. 'I will now charge th' jury as to th' law an'th' fact: I am all mixed up on th' law; th' fact is there's a moboutside waitin' to lynch ye if ye don't do what it wants. Th' coort willnow adjourn be th' back dure.' 'Where's th' pris'ner?' says th' expert.'He has gone to addhress a mothers' meetin',' says th' clerk. 'Thin Imust be goin' too,' says th' expert. An' there ye ar-re."

  "I'm glad that fellow got me off", said Mr. Hennessy, "but thim expertsar-re a bad lot. What's th' difference between that kind iv tistymonyan' perjury?"

  "Ye pay ye'er money an' take ye'er choice", said Mr. Dooley.