Mr. Dooley Says Read online

  THE BIG FINE

  "That was a splendid fine they soaked Jawn D. with," said Mr. Dooley.

  "What did they give him?" asked Mr. Hennessy.

  "Twinty-nine millyon dollars," said Mr. Dooley.

  "Oh, great!" said Mr. Hennessy. "That's a grand fine. It's a gorjousfine. I can't hardly believe it."

  "It's thrue, though," said Mr. Dooley. "Twinty-nine millyon dollars.Divvle th' cent less. I can't exactly make out what th' charge was thatthey arrested him on, but th' gin'ral idee is that Jawn D. was goin'around loaded up to th' guards with Standard Ile, exceedin' th' speedlimit in acquirin' money, an' singin' 'A charge to keep I have' till th'neighbors cud stand it no longer. The judge says: 'Ye're an oldoffender an' I'll have to make an example iv ye. Twinty-nine millyondollars or fifty-eight millyon days. Call th' next case, Misther Clerk.

  "Did he pay th' fine? He did not. Iv coorse he cud if he wanted to. Hewuddent have to pawn annything to get th' money, ye can bet on that. Allhe'd have to do would be to put his hand down in his pocket, skintwinty-nine millyon dollar bills off iv his roll an' hurl thim at th'clerk. But he refused to pay as a matter iv principle. 'Twas not that heneeded th' money. He don't care f'r money in th' passionate way that youan' me do, Hinnissy. Th' likes iv us are as crazy about a dollar as aman is about his child whin he has on'y wan. Th' chances are we'll spoilit. But Jawn D., havin' a large an' growin' fam'ly iv dollars, takeson'y a kind iv gin'ral inthrest in thim. He's issued a statement sayin'that he's a custojeen iv money appinted be himsilf. He looks afther hisown money an' th' money iv other people. He takes it an' puts it whereit won't hurt thim an' they won't spoil it. He's a kind iv a society f'rth' previntion of croolty to money. If he finds a man misusing his moneyhe takes it away fr'm him an' adopts it. Ivry Saturdah night he lets th'man see it fr a few hours. An' he says he's surprised to find that whin,with th' purest intintions in th' wurruld, he is found thryin' to coaxour little money to his home where it'll find conjanial surroundings an'have other money to play with, th' people thry to lynch him an' th'polis arrest him f'r abduction.

  "So as a matther iv principle he appealed th' case. An appeal, Hinnissy,is where ye ask wan coort to show it's contempt f'r another coort. 'Tissthrange that all th' pathrites that have wanted to hang Willum JenningsBryan an' mesilf f'r not showin' proper respect f'r th' joodicyary, arenow showin' their respect f'r th' joodicyary be appealin' fr'm theirdecisions. Ye'd think Jawn D. wud bow his head reverentially in th'awful presence iv Kenesaw Mt. Landis an' sob out: 'Thank ye'er honor.This here noble fine fills me with joy. But d'ye think ye give meenough? If agreeable I'd like to make it an even thirty millyons.' Buthe doesn't. He's like mesilf. Him an' me bows to th' decisions iv th'coorts on'y if they bow first.

  "I have gr-reat respect f'r th' joodicyary, as fine a lot iv cross an'indignant men as ye'll find annywhere. I have th' same respect f'r thimas they have f'r each other. But I niver bow to a decision iv a judgeonless, first, it's pleasant to me, an', second, other judges bow to it.Ye can't be too careful about what decisions ye bow to. A decision thatseems agreeable may turn out like an acquaintance ye scrape up at apicnic. Ye may be ashamed iv it to-morrah. Manny's th' time I've bowedto a decree iv a coort on'y to see it go up gayly to th' supreem coort,knock at th' dure an' be kicked down stairs be an angry old gintleman ina black silk petticoat. A decree iv th' coort has got to be prettyvinrable befure I do more thin greet it with a pleasant smile.

  "Me idee was whin I read about Jawn D's fine that he'd settle at wanst,payin' twinty-eight millyon dollars in millyon dollar bills an' th'other millyon in chicken-feed like ten thousand dollar bills just toannoy th' clerk. But I ought to've known betther. Manny's th' time I'vebent me proud neck to a decision iv a coort that lasted no longer thinit took th' lawyer f'r th' definse to call up another judge on th'tillyphone. A judge listens to a case f'r days an' hears, while he'sfigurin' a possible goluf score on his blotting pad, th' argymints ivtwo or three lawyers that no wan wud dare to offer a judgeship to.Gin'rally speakin', judges are lawyers. They get to be judges becausethey have what Hogan calls th' joodicyal timp'ramint, which is whyannybody gets a job. Th' other kind people won't take a job. They'drather take a chance. Th' judge listens to a case f'r days an' decidesit th' way he intinded to. D'ye find th' larned counsel that's justbeen beat climbin' up on th' bench an' throwin' his arms around th'judge? Ye bet ye don't. He gathers his law books into his arms, givesth' magistrate a look that means, 'There's an eliction next year', an'runs down th' hall to another judge. Th' other judge hears his kick an'says he: 'I don't know annything about this here case except what ye'vewhispered to me, but I know me larned collague an' I wuddent thrust himto referee a roller-skatin' contest. Don't pay th' fine till ye hearfr'm me.' Th' on'y wan that bows to th' decision is th' fellow that won,an' pretty soon he sees he's made a mistake, f'r wan day th' other coortcomes out an' declares that th' decision of th' lower coort is anotherargymint in favor iv abolishing night law schools.

  "That's th' way Jawn D. felt about it an' he didn't settle. I wondherwill they put him away if he don't pay ivinchooly? 'Twill be a longsentence. A frind iv mine wanst got full iv kerosene an' attempted tojuggle a polisman. They thried him whin he come out iv th' emergencyhospital an' fined him a hundhred dollars. He didn't happen to have thatamount with him at th' moment or at anny moment since th' day he wasborn. But the judge was very lenient with him. He said he needn't pay itif he cuddent. Th' coort wud give him a letther of inthroduction to th'bridewell an' he cud stay there f'r two hundhred days. At that rateit'll be a long time befure Jawn D. an' me meet again on thegoluf-links. Hogan has it figured out that if Jawn D. refuses to go backon his Puritan principles an' separate himsilf fr'm his money he'll bewan hundhred an' fifty-eight thousand years in cold storage. A man oughtto be pretty good at th' lock step in a hundhred an' fifty-eightthousand years.

  "Well, sir, glory be but times has changed whin they land me gr-reat an'good frind with a fine that's about akel to three millyon dhrunk an'disorderly cases. 'Twud've been cheaper if he'd took to dhrink arly inlife. I've made a vow, Hinnissy, niver to be very rich. I'd like to bea little rich, but not rich enough f'r anny wan to notice that mepockets bulged. Time was whin I dhreamed iv havin' money an' lots iv it.'Tis thrue I begun me dhreams at th' wrong end, spent th' money befure Igot it. I was always clear about th' way to spend it but oncertain aboutth' way to get it. If th' Lord had intinded me to be a rich man He'd'veturned me dhreams around an' made me clear about makin' th' money butvery awkward an' shy about gettin' rid iv it. There are two halves toivry dollar. Wan is knowin' how to make it an' th' other is not knowin'how to spend it comfortably. Whin I hear iv a man with gr-reat businesscapacity I know he's got an akel amount iv spending incapacity. Nomatter how much he knew about business he wuddent be rich if he wasn'ttotally ignorant iv a science that we have developed as far as our meanswill allow. But now, I tell ye, I don't dhream iv bein' rich. I'm afraidiv it. In th' good old days th' polis coorts were crowded with th'poor. They weren't charged with poverty, iv coorse, but with the resultsiv poverty, d'ye mind. Now, be Hivens, th' rich have invaded even th'coorts an' the bridewell. Manny a face wearin' side whiskers an' goldrimmed specs peers fr'm th' windows iv th' black Maria. 'What's this mancharged with?' says th' coort. 'He was found in possession iv tinmillyon dollars,' says th' polisman. An' th' judge puts on th' blackcap."

  "Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "'tis time they got what was comin' to thim."

  "I'll not say ye're wrong," said Mr. Dooley. "I see th' way me frindJawn D. feels about it. He thinks he's doin' a great sarvice to th'worruld collectin' all th' money in sight. It might remain inincompetint hands if he didn't get it. 'Twud be a shame to lave it whereit'd be misthreated. But th' on'y throuble with Jawn is that he don'tsee how th' other fellow feels about it. As a father iv about thirtydollars I want to bring thim up mesilf in me own foolish way. I may notdo what's right be thim. I may be too indulgent with thim. Their homelife may not be happy. Perhaps 'tis clear that if they wint to th
'Rockyfellar institution f'r th' care iv money they'd be in betthersurroundings, but whin Jawn thries to carry thim off I raise a cry iv'Polis,' a mob iv people that niver had a dollar iv their own an' niverwill have wan, pounce on th' misguided man, th' polis pinch him, an' th'governmint condemns th' institution an' lets out th' inmates an' a goodmanny iv thim go to th'bad."

  "D'ye think he'll iver sarve out his fine?" asked Mr. Hennessy.

  "I don't know," said Mr. Dooley. "But if he does, whin he comes outat the end iv a hundhred an fifty-eight thousand years he'll find agreat manny changes in men's hats an' th' means iv transportation butnot much in annything else. He may find flyin' machines, though it'll bearly f'r thim, but he'll see a good manny people still walkin' to theirwurruk."