Mr. Dooley: In the Hearts of His Countrymen Page 14

  "'I follow ye like a horse afther a hay wagon,' says th' prisident,'hungrily, but unsatisfacthrly. Ye do not prove that th' throuble wassymotic, mong expert.'

  "'Parfictly,' says Moosoo Bertillon. 'I will have me assistants put upa screen, an' on this I will projooce ividince'--"'Go away,' says th'prisident. 'Call Colonel Prystalter. Mong colonel, ye thraitor,describe th' conversation ye had with Colonel Schneider, th' honorablebut lyin' spy or confidential envoy iv th' vin'rable Impror ivAusthrich, may th' divvle fly way with him! But mind ye, ye mustmintion no names.'

  "'I know no man more honest,' says th' witness.

  "'Thin your acquaintance is limited to ye'ersilf,' says Gin'ralMerceer.

  "'Colonel Schneider,' says th' witness, 'th' Austhrich,--whom I willdesignate, f'r fear iv internaytional entanglements, merely as ColonelSchneider,--says to me, he says: "Th' letther pretindin' to be fr'm meis a forgery." "How's that?" says I. "Didn't ye write an' sign it?" Isays. "I did," says he. "But some wan else sint it to th' pa-apers."

  "'Thin 'tis clearly a forgery,' says th' prisident.

  "'I wish to ask this witness wan question,' says Gin'ral Merceer. 'Wasit th' Robin shell or th' day befure?'

  "'My answer to that,' says th' witness, 'is decidedly, Who?'

  "'Thin,' says Gin'ral Merceer, 'all I can say is, this wretch'stistimony is all a pack iv lies.'

  "'Hol' on there!' calls a voice from th' aujience.

  "'What d'ye want?' says th' prisident.

  "'I'm th' corryspondint iv th' Georgia Daily Lyncher, an' I can'tundherstand a wurrud ye say. I've lost me dictionary. Th' people ivth' State iv Georgia mus' not be deprived iv their information aboutth' scand'lous conduct iv this infamious coort.'

  "'Thrue,' says th' prisident. 'Fr-rance 'd soon perish if Georgia shudthransfer its intherest fr'm Fr-rinch coorts to its own sacred timplesiv justice. Perhaps some confrere 'll lind th' distinguished gazabo acopy iv his Ollendorff. Manewhile'--

  "'Mong prisident,' says a white-faced polisman, 'Judge Crazy theBoore'--

  "'Gr-reat hivins!' cried th' prisident. 'Thin th' quarantine at Oportois a farce.' An' he plunged into th' seething mass iv handwritin'experts an' ex-prisidents iv th' raypublic in th' coort-yard below."

  THE DREYFUS CASE.

  V.

  "An' I was thinking Hinnissy" (Mr. Dooley said in conclusion), "as Iset in that there coort, surrounded be me fellow-journalists, spies,perjurers, an' other statesmen, that I'd give four dollars if th'prisident iv th' coort 'd call out, 'Moosoo Dooley, take th' stand.'

  "'Here,' says I; an' I'd thread me way with dignity through th'Fr-rinch gin'rals an' ministers on th' flure, an' give me hand to th'prisident to kiss. If he went anny further, I'd break his head. Noman 'll kiss me, Hinnissy, an' live. What's that ye say? He wudden'twant to? Well, niver mind.

  "'Here,' says I, 'mong colonel, what d'ye want with me?'

  "'What d'ye know about this case, mong bar-tinder.'

  "'Nawthin',' says I. 'But I know as much as annywan else. I know morethin most iv thim la-ads down below; f'r I can't undherstand a wurrudye say, so I'm onable,' I says, 'f'r to make mistakes. I won't giveanny tistimony, because 'twud be out iv place in this sacred timpledevoted to th' practice iv orathry,' I says; 'but I can make as good aspeech as annywan, an' here goes.'

  "Gin'ral Merceer--'May I ask this polluted witness wan question?'

  "Th' Witness.--'Set down, ye infamious ol' polthroon!' says I. 'Setdown an' pondher ye'er sins,' I says. 'If ye had ye'er dues, ye'd becooprin' a bar'l in th' pinitinchry. If ye're afraid iv th' ImprorWillum, be hivins, ye want to be afraid iv th' Impror Dooley; f'r he'sDutch, an' I ain't. I'll raysume me speech. Lady an' Gintlemen,prisoner at th' bar, freeman that ought to be there, lawyers,gin'rals, ex-prisidents, former mimbers iv th' cabinet, an' you, megin'rous confreres iv th' wurruld's press, I come fr'm a land whereinjustice is unknown, where ivry man is akel befure th' law, but someare betther thin others behind it, where th' accused always has a fairthrile ayether,' I says, 'in th' criminal coort or at th' coroner'sinquest,' I says. 'I have just been in another counthry where suchconduct as we've witnessed here wud be unknown at a second thrile,' Isays, 'because they have no second thriles,' I says. 'We Anglo-Saxonsar-re th' salt iv th' earth, an' don't ye f'rget it, boys. All ouraffairs ar-re in ordher. We convict no innocent men an' very fewguilty wans, perjury is unknown amongst us, we have no militaryscandals, an' our private life is beyond rebuke. So we have th' timean' th' inclination to study th' vile offences iv our neighbors, an'give thim advice free iv cost. An' that is why I'm here to-day in thisdegraded counthry to tell ye what's th' matther with ye an' what yeought to do.

  "'An' this is me opinyon: I don't think Cap. Dhryfuss wr-rote th'borderoo. I think he was th' on'y man in Fr-rance that didn't. But Iain't got as high an opinyon iv th' Cap as I had. I ain't no puritybrigade; but, th' older I get, th' more I think wan wife's enough f'ranny man, an' too manny f'r some. They was a time, Cap, whin 'twasseryously thought iv takin' ye fr'm th' Divvle's Own Island an' makin'ye prisident iv th' Women's Rescue League. But I'm afraid, Cap, ye'redisqualified f'r that position be what we've heard fr'm ye'er own lipsdurin th' thrile. Ye lost a good job. Thin there ar-re some otherthings about ye I don't undherstand. I can't make out what ye meant bepretindin' to go to It'ly an' doublin' back into Germany; an' I wishf'r me own peace iv mind all ye'er explanations 'd mate. But, sure, ifivry man that was too free with his affections was to be sint to th'Divvle's Own Island, they'd have to build an intinsion to thatfar-famed winther resort. An' if suspicyous actions was proof ivguilt, mong colonel, ye'd have th' mimbers iv th' gin'ral staffsthrung up in as manny cages as ye see at th' Zoo-illogical Gardens[laughter an' cries iv 'Veev Dooley!']

  "'Th' throuble is, mong colonel, lady an' gintlemen, that it ain'tbeen Cap Dhryfuss that's been on thrile, but th' honor iv th' nationan' th' honor iv th' ar-rmy. If 'twas th' Cap that was charged, ye'dsay to him, "Cap, we haven't anny proof again ye; but we don't likeye, an' ye'll have to move on." An' that 'd be th' end iv th' row. TheCap 'd go over to England an' go into th' South African minin'business, an' become what Hogan calls "A Casey's bellows." But,because some la-ad on th' gin'ral staff got caught lyin' in th' startan' had to lie some more to make th' first wan stick, an' th' othergin'rals had to jine him f'r fear he might compromise thim if he winton telling his fairy stories, an' they was la-ads r-runnin' newspapersin Paris that needed to make a little money out iv th' popylation, yesaid, "Th' honor iv th' Fr-rinch people an' th' honor iv th' Fr-rinchar-rmy is on thrile"; an' ye've put thim in th' dock instead iv th'Cap. Th' honor iv Fr-rance is all right, me boy, an' will be so longas th' Fr-rinch newspapers is not read out iv Paree,' I says. 'An', ifth' honor iv th' Fr-rinch ar-rmy can stand thim pants that ye hew outiv red flannel f'r thim, a little threachery won't injure it at all,'I says. 'Yes,' says I, 'th' honor iv Fr-rance an' th' honor iv th'ar-rmy 'll come out all r-right,' I says; 'but it wudden't do anny harmf'r to sind th' honor iv th' Fr-rinch gin'rals to th' laundhry,' Isays. 'I think ye'd have to sind Gin'ral Merceer's to th' dyer's,' Isays. 'Ye niver can take out th' spots, an' it might as well all beth' same color,' I says. 'Mong colonel,' I says imprissively, 'so longas ivry man looks out f'r his own honor, th' honor iv th' counthry 'lllook out f'r itsilf,' I says. 'No wan iver heard iv a nation stealin'a lead pipe or committin' perjury,' I says. ''Tis th' men that makesup th' nation that goes in f'r these diversions,' I says. 'I'd hate toinsure again burglars th' naytional honor that was guarded be that ol'gazabo,' says I, indicatin' Merceer with th' toe iv me boot.

  "'That's wan point. They's another, mong colonel. Ye're all afraid.That's th' truth iv th' matther. Ye're like a lot iv ol' women thatthinks ivry time th' shutter creaks burglars is goin' to break intoth' house. Ye're afraid iv Rothscheeld, an' th' Impror iv Germany, an'th' Dook d'Orleans, Vik Bonaparte, an' Joe Chamberlain, an' BillMcKinley. Be hivins, I believe ye're even afraid iv Gin'ral Otis!Ye're afraid iv th' newspapers, ye're afraid iv Jools Guerin, ye'reafraid iv a pote, even whi
n he is not ar-rmed with his pothry, an'ye're afraid iv each other. Brace up! be men! If I was a Fr-rinchman,I'd be afraid iv no man but th' cab-dhrivers; an' I wudden't be afraidiv thim long, f'r I'd be a cab-dhriver mesilf.

  "'Wan thing more, an' thin me tistimony's over. Ye want me advice. Yedidn't ask f'r it. If I was prisident iv this coort-martial, I'd sayto Cap Dhryfuss: "Cap, get out. Ye may not be a thraitor, but ye'reworse. Ye're become a bore." An' I'd give him money enough to lave th'counthry. Thin I'd sind th' gin'ral staff off to some quiet counthryvillage where they'd be free fr'm rumors iv war, an' have nawthin'else to do but set around in rockin'-chairs an' play with th' cat.Thin I'd cut th' cable to England; an' thin I'd gather all thejournalists iv Paris together, an' I'd say, "Gintlemen," I'd say, "th'press is th' palajeem iv our liberties," I'd say; "but our libertiesno longer requires a palajeem," I'd say. "This wan, whativer it means,is frayed at th' risbands, an' th' buttonholes is broken, annyhow,"I'd say. "I've bought all iv ye tickets to Johannisberg," I'd say,"an' ye'll be shipped there tonight," I'd say. "Ye'er confreres ivthat gr-reat city is worn out with their exertions, an' ye'll findplenty iv wurruk to do. In fact, those iv ye that're anti-Seemites'll niver lack imployment," I'd say. "Hinceforth Fr-rance will befree--fr'm th' likes iv ye," I'd say. An' th' nex' mornin' Paris 'dawake ca'm an' peaceful, with no newspapers, an' there 'd be more roomin our own papers f'r th' base-ball news,' says I.

  "'But, mong liquor dealer, what ye propose 'd depopylate France,' saysth' prisident.

  "'If that's th' case,' says I, 'Fr-rance ought to be depopylated,' Isays. 'I've been thinkin' that's th' on'y way it can be made fit tolive in f'r a man fr'm Chicago, where th' jambons come fr'm,' says I,lavin' th' stand."

  * * * * *

  "Arrah, what ar-re ye talkin' about?" demanded Mr. Hennessy. "Ye nivergot a peek in th' dure."

  "What have you been doin'?" Mr. Dooley asked, disregarding theinterruption.

  "I wint out to see th' rowlin' mills," said Mr. Hennessy. "They have avery good plant; an' a man be th' name iv Mechell Onnessy or MikeHennessy, a cousin iv mine that come over th' Fenian time withStevens, is boss iv a gang. He speaks Fr-rinch like a boardin'-school.I talked with wan iv th' la-ads through him.

  "Did ye ask him about th' Dhryfuss case?" asked Mr. Dooley, eagerly.

  "I did."

  "What did he say?"

  "He said he niver heerd of it."