Mr. Dooley: In the Hearts of His Countrymen Page 13

  "'Th' pris'ner must answer,' says th' coort. 'It is now nearly sixo'clock iv th' mornin', an' time to get up an' dhress.'

  "'I refuse to make anny commint,' says Cap Dhryfuss,

  "The pris'ner's remark, uttered in tones iv despair, caused gr-reatemotion in th' aujience. There were angry cries iv 'Lynch him!' an'all eyes were tur-rned to th' Cap.

  "'Silence!' roared th' coort, bendin' a stern, inflexible look on th'pris'ner. 'This is a coort iv justice. We ar-re disposed f'r to grantivry indulgence; but, if outsiders persist in intherferin' with theseproceedin's,' he says, 'we'll expel thim fr'm th' r-room. What doesth' prisoner think this is?'

  "'I thought it was a thrile,' says th' Cap; 'but, be th' number ivvet'ran journalists here, it must be th' openin' iv a new hotel.'

  "'Not another wurrud,' says th' coort, 'or ye'll be fired out. No wanshall insult th' honest, hard-wurrukin', sober, sensible journalistsiv Fr-rance. Not if this coort knows it. Ye bet ye, boys, th' coort iswith ye. Th' press is th' palajeen iv our liberties. Gin'ral Merceerwill raysume his tistimony. He was speakin' of th' game iv goluf.'

  "'Perhaps I'd betther sing it,' says th' gin'ral.

  "'I'll play an accompanymint f'r ye on th' flute,' says th' prisidentiv th' coort. 'While Gin'ral Merceer is proceedin' with his remarks,call Colonel Pat th' Clam, who is sick an' can't come. Swear Gin'ralBillot, Gin'ral Boisdeffer, Gin'ral Chammy, an' th' former mimbers ivth' governmint.'

  "'I object to thim bein' sworn,' says Matther Blamange.

  "'They must be sworn,' says th' prisident. 'How th' divvle can theyperjure thimsilves if they ain't sworn? An' who ar-re ye, annyhow?'

  "'I'm th' counsel f'r th' pris'ner,' says Matther Blamange. 'Get outye'ersilf,' says Matther Blamange. 'I'm as good a man as ye ar-re. Iwill ask that gintleman who jest wint out the dure, Does it pay tokeep up appearances?' [Groans.]

  "'Gin'ral Billot,' says th' prisident, 'what d'ye know about thisinfernal case which is broodin' like a nightmare over our belovidcounthry, an' gettin' us up ivry mornin' befure milkin' time?'

  "'Nawthin' at all,' says Gin'ral Billot.

  "'Nayther do I,' says th' prisident. 'But I think th' Cap's guilty.'

  "'I'm glad to hear ye say that,' says th' gin'ral, 'If ye didn't, I'drayjooce ye to th' r-ranks to-morrah. I niver see th' man befure; an',be hivins, I don't want to see him again. But I have a letter herefr'm him, askin' me if he cud knock off wurruk at four o'clock to goto his aunt's fun'ral.'

  "'Cap,' says th' prisident, 'what ye got to say to this? Did ye writeth' letter?'

  "'I did,' says th' Cap.

  "'Throw it out thin,' says th' prisident. 'We must be guided be th'laws iv ividence. Th' witness will confine himself to forgeries. Haveye e'er a forgery about ye'er clothes, mon gin'ral?'

  "'I wish to confront th' witness,' says Matther Blamange.

  "'Sit down,'" says th' prisident.

  "'D'ye raymimber meetin' me at dinner at Moosoo de Bozoo's. It wasyears ago, durin' th' time iv Napolyeon, befure th' big fire? If Iraymimber right, we had peas. Wasn't it a lovely night? Oh dear, ohdear, gintlemen iv th' press an' mon prisident, ye ought to have beenthere. Well, I says to Gin'ral Billot, I says, "Gin'ral," I says, "howar-re ye, annyhow." An' the gin'ral replies, "F'r an ol' man, well." Imade up me mind thin that th' Cap was innocent, an' this was before hewas born.

  "'Me distinguished colleague in th' thrile iv this case, th' editor ivwan iv th' Paris papers,' says th' prisident, 'has received a letterfr'm th' military attachay or spy iv th' Impror iv Austhrich, sayin'that he did not write th' letter referred to be Prisident Kruger, an',if he did, it's a forgery. But what cud ye ixpict? I will throw bothletters into the secret dossier.'

  "'What's that?' says Matther Blamange.

  "'It's a collection iv pomes wrote to th' Paris papers be spies,' saysth' prisident. 'Call Colonel Peekhart, if th' others ar-re notthrough. What, you again, Peekhart? Set down, sir.'

  "'Gintlemen iv Fr-rance,' says Colonel Peekhart. 'Unaccustomed as I amto public speakin', I wish to addhress ye a few wurruds on th'situation iv th' poor in China.'

  "'Assassin!' hisses th' coort.

  "'Canal!' says Matther Blamange.

  "At this moment th' door was burst open; an' an ex-Prisident ivFr-rance come boundin' in, an', r-rushin' up th' steps iv th'thrybune, smacked Gin'ral Merceer in th' eye. Th' gr-reatest rayspictwas shown f'r th' former chief magistrate iv th' raypublic. No wanshot at him. He was white with rage. 'Th' honor iv Fr-rance is atstake,' he says. 'Our counthry lies prostrate in th' mud. I mustpresarve th' dignity iv me high office; but, if Gin'ral Merceer willstep out into th' back yard, I'll beat his head off. I don't knowannything about this accursed case. It was all referred to me whin Iwas Prisident. I am here to see that th' honor iv me high office isnot assailed. I protest I did not say what an anonymous corryspondintin to-night's Sore says I said. I did me jooty. Whin I saw th' ar-rmydisorganized an' Fr-rance beset be foreign foes, I raysigned. What wasI to do? Was I to stay in office, an' have me hat smashed in ivry timeI wint out to walk? I tell ye, gintlemen, that office is no signcure.Until hats are made iv cast iron, no poor man can be Prisident ivFr-rance. But I was not speakin' iv th' Dhryfuss case.'

  "'Don't dare to mintion that matter in this coort,' says th'prisident. 'I'm surprised a man iv ye'er intilligence 'd thry to dhragin exthranyous matther, whin th' honor iv th' ar-rmy is at stake.Gin'ral Merceer, stand beside this witness. Now both speak at wanst!Annybody else that has annything to say, lave him say it now, so itwon't be heard.'

  "'Mon colonel,' says a former minister iv th' Fr-rinch governmint, whowas th' polisman at th' dure, 'Judge Crazy th' Boorepare is here,demandin' to be heard.'

  "'Gr-reat hivins!' says th' coort; an' they wint out through th'windows.

  "That night they was gr-reat excitement in Rennes. Th' citizensdhrivin home their cows cud har'ly make their way through th' excitedthrongs on th' sthreet. Th' corryspondints iv th' English papers donot dare to go to bed befure nine o'clock on account iv rumors iv agin'ral massacre. Madame Sara Bernhardt gave a magnificint performanceat th' theaytre, an' was wildly cheered. It was believed in London,Budapesth, Posen, New York, Cookham, an' Upper Sandusky that Fr-ranceis about to perish. As I go to press, th' news has excited no commintin Fr-rance."

  THE DREYFUS CASE.

  III.

  "While th' thrillin' scenes I'm tellin' ye about is goin' on,Hinnissy, worse is bein' enacted in beautiful Paris. In that lovelycity with its miles an' miles iv sparklin' resthrants,--la bellyParee, as Hogan 'd say,--th' largest American city in th' wurruld, arivolution's begun. If ye don't believe it, read th' pa-apers. They'vearrested a pote. That was all r-right; f'r Fr-rance is sufferin' fr'mtoo much pothry that 'll scan, as Hogan says, an' too much moralitythat won't. They ought to be a rule f'r th' polis to pinch anny potecaught poting between th' hours iv twelve an' twelve. But th' mistaketh' chief iv th' polis made was to r-run in a butcher at th' sametime. What th' butcher done I dinnaw; but annyhow they accused him ivwantin' to poleaxe th' governmint; an' they thrun him into a cell. Nowth' butcher he had a frind be th' name iv Guerin,--an Irish name itis, but this la-ad don't appear to be wan iv us,--Jools Guerin. He waswanst in th' thripe business; but he is now r-runnin' a newspaper,like most iv th' people iv Fr-rance. As a thripe butcher, hiscirculation was larger an' among a betther class than his newspaper.Bein' a la-ad with a fine sinse iv gratichood, an' havin' been wanstfed an' clothed be a Jew man, he calls his pa-aper th' Anti-Jew; an'its principle is, whin ye see a Jew, hand him a crack in th' jaw. 'Tisa good principle, though I wanst knew a man be th' name iv SolomonFelsenthal, that was known in th' ring as Mike Gallegher, th'Tipp'rary Cyclone, as a thribute to th' feelin's iv th' pathrons ivspoort; an', if Jools had thried to carry out his platform with Solly,they'd be no siege in Fort Chabrool. Not anny. That Jew man 'd beenchampeen iv th' wurruld if all iv him cud 've kept out iv closequarthers with th' man again him.

  "I don't quarrel with Jools' feelin's, mind ye. 'Tis th' histhry ivth
' wurruld that th' Jews takes our watches fr'm us be tin per cint amonth, an' we take thim back be means iv a jimmy an' a piece iv leadpipe. They're on'y two known methods iv finance,--bankin' an'burglary. Th' Jews has th' first down fine, but all th' rest iv th'wurruld is at home in th' second. So Jools's all r-right as far as hegoes. But he don't go far.

  "Well, whin Jools hear-rd that his frind th' butcher was sloughed up,he wint fairly wild. He says to himsilf, he says, 'I'll go home,' hesays, 'an' defy th' governmint,' he says. 'I'll start a rivolution,'he says. 'But,' he says, 'I must first notify th' polis,' he says,'so's to prevint disordher,' he says. So he wint to th' chief ivpolis, who was an ol' frind iv his,--they was in th' same newspaperoffice or thripe dairy or something,--an' th' chief kissed Jools, an'asked him what he cud do f'r him. 'I wish,' said Jools, 'ye'd sinddown tin or a dozen good men in uniform an' a few detectives incitizen's clothes,' he says.

  "I've asked some ladies an' gintlemen to a five o'clock rivolution atmy house,' he says; 'an' I'd like to be sure they'll be no disordher,'he says. 'Well,' says th' chief, ''twill not be aisy,' he says. 'Yesee th' prisident--I f'rget his name--has been asked to go to th'r-races with some frinds,' he says; 'an' they will prob'bly thry tokill him,' he says. 'We can't play anny fav'rites here,' he says. 'Wehave to protect th' low as well as th' high,' he says. 'If annythinghappens to this man, th' case is li'ble to be taken up be th'ex-prisidents' association; an' they're num'rous enough to makethrouble f'r us,' he says. 'But,' he says, 'I'll do what I can f'r ye,me ol' frind,' he says. 'Give us th' best ye have,' says Jools; 'an',if ye've nawthin' to do afther ye close up, ye might dhrop in,' hesays, 'an' have a manifesto with us,' he says. 'Come just as year-re,' he says. ''Tis an informal rivolution,' he says.

  "An' away he wint. At sharp five o'clock th' rivolution begun. Th'sthreets was dinsely packed with busy journalists, polis, sojers, an'fash'nably dhressed ladies who come down fr'm th' Chang's All Easy inmotocycles. There was gr-reat excitement as Jools come to th' windyan' pinned a copy iv his vallyable journal on th' sill, accompanied bea thrusty liftnant wavin' a statement iv th' circulation iv th'Anti-Jew. Jools at this moment was a tur-rble sight. He was dhressedfr'm head to foot in Harveyized, bomb-proof steel, with an asbestosrose in his buttonhole. Round his waist was sthrapped four hundherdrounds iv ca'tridges an' eight days' provisions. He car-rid a Mauserrifle on each shoulder, a machine gun undher wan ar-rm, a dinnymitebomb undher another, an' he was smoking a cigareet. 'Ladies an'gintlemen,' he says, 'I'm proud an' pleased to see ye prisint in suchlar-rge numbers at th' first rivolution iv th' prisint season,' hesays. 'With th' kind permission iv th' hated polis undher th'di-rection iv me good frind an' fellow-journalist, Loot FranswooCoppere, an' th' ar-rmy, f'r whose honor ivry Fr-renchman 'll lay downhis life, th' siege will now begin. We will not,' he says, 'lave thishouse till we have driven ivry cur-rsed Cosmypollitan or Jew,' hesays, 'fr'm this noble land iv th' br-rave an' home iv th' flea,' hesays. 'Veev Fr-rance!' he says. 'Veev Jools Guerin!' he says.'Conspuez Rothscheeld!' he says. 'It's ye'er move, Loot,' he says toth' polisman.

  "'I defer to th' ar-rmy whose honor is beyond reproach,' says th'polisman, 'or recognition,' he says. 'Veev l'army!' he says.

  "'Thank ye,' says Gin'ral Bellow, salutin'. 'I will do me jooty. Mancan do no more,' he says. 'Jools,' he says, 'surrinder,' he says. 'Yecannot longer hol' out,' he says. 'Ye have provisions on'y f'r eightyears.'

  "'We will remain till th' last wan iv us perishes iv indigestion,'says Jools.

  "'Thin I must take sthrong measures,' says th' gin'ral. 'At a givensignal we will storm th' house, bate down th' dures, smash in th'roofs, cut off th' gas, poison th' wather supply, back up th' sewer,break th' windys, an' r-raise th' rint.'"

  "'Do ye'er worst,' says Jools, proudly.

  "'Thin,' says th' gin'ral, imprissively, 'if these measures do notsuffice, I will suspind th' deliv'ry iv th' mails,' he says.

  "'Miscreant!' cries Jools, tur-rnin' white. 'An' this is called amerciful governmint,' he says. 'Mong doo,' he says, 'what cr-rimeswill not Fr-rinchmen commit again' Fr-rinchmen!' he says. 'But,' hesays, 'ye little know us, if ye think we can be quelled be vi'lence,'he says. 'I have a last card,' he says. 'I refuse to give th' signal,'he says.

  "'Thin,' says th' gin'ral, tur-rnin' away with tears in his eyes, 'wemust adopt other measures.'

  "'Very well,' says Jools. 'But mark wan thing,--that, if ye attempt tomake me ridiculous, ye shall suffer.'

  "'I assure ye, mong editor,' says th' gin'ral, earnestly, 'that th'governmint will not make ye anny more ridiculous than it makesitsilf,' says he.

  "'Me honor is satisfied,' says Jools. 'Do ye'er worst,' he says.

  "At eight o'clock th' minister iv war ar-rived, an' took command. Heordhered up twinty rig'mints iv cav'lry, tin batthries iv artillery,an' two divisions iv fut sojers. It was his intintion to sind th'cav'lry in over th' roofs, while th' army carried th' front stoop,protected be fire fr'm th' heavy artillery, while th' Fr-rinch navyshelled th' back dure. But this was seen to be impossible, because th'man that owned th' wine-shop next dure, he said 'twud dhrive awaycustom. All th' sthreets f'r miles ar-round was blockaded withouteffect. Th' fire departmint was called to put Jools out, but watherniver touched him. Th' sewer gang wint down an' blocked th' dhrains,an' Jools soon had inspiration f'r a year's writin'. At last accountsth' garrison was still holdin' out bravely again a witherin' fire ivcanned food, lobsters, omelets, an' hams. A brave gossoon in th'Sivinth Artill'ry did partic'larly effective wurruk, hur-rlin' a plateiv scrambled eggs acrost th' sthreet without spillin' a dhrop, an' isnow thrainin' a pie like mother used to make on th' first windy iv th'sicond flure. It is reported that th' minister iv war at four o'clockto-morrow mornin' will dhrop a bundle iv copies iv Jools' paperthrough th' chimbley. Whin he opens th' windy, a pome be PaulDeroulede 'll be read to him. This is again th' articles iv war, butth' case is desp'rate.

  "But I was thinkin', Hinnissy, as I walked down th' Roo Chabrool, howI'd like to see a Chicago polisman come sthrollin' along with his haton th' back iv his head. I don't love Chicago polismen. They seem tothink ivry man's head's as hard as their own. But I'd give forty-threefrancs, or eight dollars an' sixty cints iv our money, if th' Fr-rinchgovernmint 'd sind f'r Jawnny Shea, an' ask him to put down this hererivolution. Th' nex' day they'd move th' office iv th' Anti-SeemiteSociety to th' morgue."

  THE DREYFUS CASE.

  IV.

  "Well, Hinnissy, to get back to Rennes. Whin I left off, th' air wasfull iv rumors iv an approachin' massacree. It was still full atdaybreak. Exthraordinney measures was adopted to provide againdisturbance. Th' gyard was doubled, an' both polismen had all they cuddo to keep th' crowd in ordher. Th' English an' American journalistsappeared at th' thrile wrapped up in th' flags iv their rayspictivecounthries. All th' Jews, excipt th' owners iv anti-Jew papers fr'mParis, wore heavy masks an' kep' their hands in their pockets. At fouro'clock th' prisident called th' aujience to disordher, an', havin'disentangled Gin'ral Merceer an' a former prisident iv th' raypublic,demanded if Moosoo Bertillon was in th' room.

  "'Here,' says that gr-reat janius, descindin' fr'm th' roof in aparachute. Ye know Bertillon. Ye don't? Iv coorse ye do, Hinnissy.He's th' la-ad that invinted th' system iv ditictive wurruk med aisythat they use down in th' Cintral Polis Station. I mind wanst, afther'twas inthrojooced, th' loot says to Andy Rohan,--he's a sergeant now,be hivins!--he says, 'Go out,' he says, 'an' fetch in Mike McGool, th'safe robber,' he says. 'Here's his description,' he says: 'eyelashes,eight killomethres long; eyes, blue an' assymethrical; jaw,bituminous; measuremint fr'm abaft th' left ear to base iv maxilloryglan's, four hectograms; a r-red scar runnin' fr'm th' noomo-gasthricnarve to th' sicond dorsal verteebree,' he says. 'Tis so. I have th'description at home in th' cash dhrawer. Well, Andy come in about sixo'clock that night, lookin' as though he'd been thryin' to r-run a futrace acrost a pile iv scrap ir'n; an' says he, 'Loot,' he says, 'I'vegot him,' he says. "I didn't take th' measuremints,' he says,'because, whin I pulle
d out th' tape line, he rowled me eightyhectograms down th' sthreet,' he says. 'But 'tis Mike McGool,' hesays. 'I don't know annything about his noomo-gasthric narves,' hesays, 'but I reco'nized his face,' he says. 'I've r-run him in fiftytimes,' he says.

  "Bertillon, besides bein' a profissor iv detictives, is a handwritin'expert, which is wan iv th' principal industhries iv Fr-rance at th'prisint time. He was accompanied be a throop iv assistants carryin' acamera, a mutoscope, a magic lantern, a tib iv dye, a telescope, acalceem light, a sextant, a compass, a thermometer, a barometer, athrunkful iv speeches, a duplicate to th' Agyptian obelisk, anink-eraser, an' a rayceipt f'r makin' goold out iv lead pipe.

  "'Well, sir,' says Bertillon, 'what d'ye want?'

  "'Nawthin',' says th' coort. 'Didn't ye ask to be called here?'

  "'No,' says Bertillon, 'an' ye didn't ask me, ayther. I come. Ye saidjus' now, Why do I believe th' Cap's guilty? I will show ye. In th'spring iv ninety-five or th' fall iv sixty-eight, I disraymimberwhich, Gin'ral Merceer'--

  "'Ye lie,' says Gin'ral Merceer, coldly.

  "'--called on me; an' says he, "Bertillon," he says, "ye'er fam'ly'sbeen a little cracked, an' I thought to ask ye to identify thisletther which I've jus' had written be a frind iv mine, MajorEstherhazy," he says. "I don't care to mintion who we suspect; buthe's a canal Jew in th' artillery, an' his name's Cap Dhryfuss," hesays. "It's not aisy," I says; "but, if th' honor iv th' ar-rmy's atstake, I'll thry to fix th' raysponsibility," I says. An' I wint towurruk. I discovered in th' first place that all sentences begun withcapitals, an' they was a peryod at th' end iv each. This aroused mesuspicions. Clearly, this letther was written be a Jew. Here I paused,f'r I had no samples iv th' Cap's writin' to compare with it. So Iwrote wan mesilf. They was much th' same. "Sure," says I, "th' Cap'sguilty," I says. But how did he do it? I thried a number ivexperiments. I first laid down over th' letther a piece of commontissue paper. Th' writin' was perfectly plain through this. Thin Ithrew it on a screen eighteen hands high. Thin I threw it off. Thin Iset it to music, an' played it on a flute. Thin I cooked it over aslow fire, an' left it in a cool airy place to dhry. In an instant itflashed over me how th' forgery was done. "Th' Cap first give it tohis little boy to write. Thin he had his wife copy it in imitation ivMacchew Dhryfuss's handwritin'. Thin Macchew wrote it in imitation ivEstherhazy. Thin th' Cap had it put on a typewriter, an' r-run througha wringer. Thin he laid it transversely acrost a piece of wall paper;an', whereiver th' key wurrud sponge-cake appeared, he was therebyable f'r to make a sympathic lesion, acquirin' all th' characteristicsiv th' race, an' a dam sight more."