Mr. Dooley in Peace and in War Page 9

  "Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "I suppose he desarved it; but, if I'd beenon th' jury, I'd've starved to death before I'd give th' verdict."

  "Thrue," said Mr. Dooley. "An' Dorsey was a fool. He might've evictedtwinty thousan' tinants, an' lived to joke about it over his bottle.'Twas th' music iv th' band an' th' dancin' on th' hill an' th' lightsth' Galway man seen whin he wint up th' muddy road with his babby in hisarrums that done th' business f'r Dorsey."

  ON THE POWER OF LOVE.

  "'Twas this way," said Mr. Hennessy, sparring at Mr. Dooley. "Fitz ledhis right light on head, thin he stuck his thumb in Corbett's hear-rt,an' that was th' end iv th' fight an' iv Pompydour Jim. I tol' ye how itwud come out. Th' punch over th' hear-rt done th' business."

  "Not at all," said Mr. Dooley. "Not at all. 'Twas Mrs. Fitzsimmons doneth' business. Did ye see the pitcher iv that lady? Did ye? Well,'twud've gone har-rd with th' lad if he'd lost th' fight in th' ring.He'd have to lose another at home. I'll bet five dollars that th' firstlady iv th' land licks th' champeen without th' aid iv a stove lid. Iknow it.

  "As me good frind, Jawn Sullivan, says, 'tis a great comfort to havelittle reminders iv home near by whin ye're fightin'. Jawn had none,poor lad; an' that accounts f'r th' way he wint down at last. Th' homeinfloo-ence is felt in ivry walk iv life. Whin Corbett was poundin' th'first jintleman iv th' land like a man shinglin' a roof, th' first ladyiv th' land stood in th' corner, cheerin' on th' bruised an' bleedin'hero. 'Darlin'' she says, 'think iv ye'er home, me love. Think,' shesays, 'iv our little child larnin' his caddychism in Rahway, NewJersey,' she says. 'Think iv th' love I bear ye,' she says, 'an' pastehim,' she says, 'in th' slats. Don't hit him on th' jaw,' she says.'He's well thrained there. But tuck ye'er lovin' hooks into his diseasedan' achin' ribs,' she says. 'Ah, love!' she says, 'recall thim happygoolden days iv our coortship, whin we walked th' counthry lane in th'light iv th' moon,' she says, 'an hurl yer maulies into his hoops,' shesays. 'Hit him on th' slats!' An' Fitz looked over his shoulder an' seenher face, an' strange feelin's iv tendherness come over him; an' thinkshe to himself: 'What is so good as th' love iv a pure woman? If I don'tnail this large man, she'll prob'ly kick in me head.' An' with thissacred sintimint in his heart he wint over an' jolted Corbett wan overth' lathes that retired him to th' home f'r decayed actors.

  "'Twas woman's love that done it, Hinnissy. I'll make a bet with yethat, if th' first lady iv th' land had been in th' ring instead iv th'first jintleman, Corbett wudden't have lasted wan r-round. I'd like tohave such a wife as that. I'd do th' cookin', an' lave th' fightin' toher. There ought to be more like her. Th' throuble with th' race we'rebringin' up is that th' fair sect, as Shakespeare calls thim, lacksinthrest in their jooty to their husbands. It's th' business iv men tofight, an' th' business iv their wives f'r to make thim fight. Ye maytalk iv th' immyrality iv nailin' a man on th' jaw, but 'tis in this wayon'y that th' wurruld increases in happiness an' th' race in strenth.Did ye see annywan th' other day that wasn't askin' to know how th'fight come out? They might say that they re-garded th' exhibition asbrutal an' disgustin', but divvle a wan iv thim but was waitin' aroundth' corner f'r th' rayturns, an' prayin' f'r wan or th' other iv th'big lads. Father Kelly mentioned th' scrap in his sermon last Sundah. Hesaid it was a disgraceful an' corruptin' affair, an' he was ashamed tosee th' young men iv th' parish takin' such an inthrest in it in Lent.But late Winsdah afthernoon he came bust-lin' down th' sthreet. 'Niceday,' he says. It was poorin' rain. 'Fine,' says I. 'They was no paradeto-day,' he says. 'No,' says I. 'Too bad,' says he; an' he started togo. Thin he turned, an' says he: 'Be th' way, how did that there foulan' outhrajous affray in Carson City come out?' 'Fitz,' says I, 'in th'fourteenth.' 'Ye don't say,' he says, dancin' around. 'Good,' he says.'I told Father Doyle this mornin' at breakfuss that if that red-headedman iver got wan punch at th' other lad, I'd bet a new cassock--Oh,dear!' he says, 'what am I sayin'?' 'Ye're sayin',' says I, 'whatnine-tenths iv th' people, laymen an' clargy, are sayin',' I says.'Well,' he says, 'I guess ye're right.' he says. 'Afther all,' he says,'an' undher all, we're mere brutes; an' it on'y takes two lads morebrutal than th' rest f'r to expose th' sthreak in th' best iv us. Foorcerules th' wurruld, an' th' churches is empty whin th' blood begins toflow.' he says. 'It's too bad, too bad.' he says. 'Tell me, was Corbettmuch hurted?' he says."

  ON THE VICTORIAN ERA.

  "Ar-re ye goin' to cillybrate th' queen's jubilee?" asked Mr. Dooley.

  "What's that?" demanded Mr. Hennessy, with a violent start.

  "To-day," said Mr. Dooley, "her gracious Majesty Victorya, Queen ivGreat Britain an' that part iv Ireland north iv Sligo, has reigned f'rsixty long and tiresome years."

  "I don't care if she has snowed f'r sixty years," said Mr. Hennessy."I'll not cillybrate it. She may be a good woman f'r all I know, but damher pollytics."

  "Ye needn't be pro-fane about it," said Mr. Dooley. "I on'y ast ye acivil question. F'r mesilf, I have no feelin' on th' subject. I am notwith th' queen an' I'm not again her. At th' same time I corjally agreewith me frind Captain Finerty, who's put his newspaper in mournin' f'rth' ivint. I won't march in th' parade, an' I won't put anny dinnymiteundher thim that does. I don't say th' marchers an' dinnymiters ar-renot both r-right. 'Tis purely a question iv taste, an', as the ixicutivesays whin both candydates are mimbers iv th' camp, 'Pathrites will usetheir own discreetion.'

  "Th' good woman niver done me no har-rm; an', beyond throwin' a rock ortwo into an orangey's procission an' subscribin' to tin dollars' worthiv Fenian bonds, I've threated her like a lady. Anny gredge I iver hadagain her I burrid long ago. We're both well on in years, an' 'tis nouse carrying har-rd feelin's to th' grave. About th' time th' lordchamberlain wint over to tell her she was queen, an' she came out in hernitey to hear th' good news, I was announced into this wurruld iv sinan' sorrow. So ye see we've reigned about th' same lenth iv time, an' Iought to be cillybratin' me di'mon' jubilee. I wud, too, if I had annydi'mon's. Do ye r-run down to Aldherman O'Brien's an' borrow twinty orthirty f'r me.

  "Great happenin's have me an' Queen Victorya seen in these sixty years.Durin' our binificent prisince on earth th' nations have grown r-richan' prosperous. Great Britain has ixtinded her domain until th' sunniver sets on it. No more do th' original owners iv th' sile, they bein'kept movin' be th' polis. While she was lookin' on in England, I waslookin' on in this counthry. I have seen America spread out fr'm th'Atlantic to th' Pacific, with a branch office iv the Standard IleComp'ny in ivry hamlet. I've seen th' shackles dropped fr'm th' slave,so's he cud be lynched in Ohio. I've seen this gr-reat city desthroyedbe fire fr'm De Koven Sthreet to th' Lake View pumpin' station, and thinrise felix-like fr'm its ashes, all but th' West Side, which was notburned. I've seen Jim Mace beat Mike McCool, an' Tom Allen beat JimMace, an' somebody beat Tom Allen, an' Jawn Sullivan beat him, an'Corbett beat Sullivan, an' Fitz beat Corbett; an', if I live tocillybrate me goold-watch-an'-chain jubilee, I may see some wan put itall over Fitz.

  "Oh, what things I've seen in me day an' Victorya's! Think iv thatgran' procission iv lithry men,--Tinnyson an' Longfellow an' Bill Nyean' Ella Wheeler Wilcox an' Tim Scanlan an'--an' I can't name thim all:they're too manny. An' th' brave gin'rals,--Von Molkey an' Bismarck an'U.S. Grant an' gallant Phil Shurdan an' Coxey. Think iv thim durin' mereign. An' th' invintions,--th' steam-injine an' th' printin'-press an'th' cotton-gin an' the gin sour an' th' bicycle an' th' flyin'-machinean' th' nickel-in-th'-slot machine an' th' Croker machine an' th' sodyfountain an'--crownin' wurruk iv our civilization--th' cash raygisther.What gr-reat advances has science made in my time an' Victorya's! f'r,whin we entered public life, it took three men to watch th' bar-keep,while to-day ye can tell within eight dollars an hour what he's took in.

  "Glory be, whin I look back fr'm this day iv gin'ral rejoicin' in merhinestone jubilee, an' see what changes has taken place an' how mannypeople have died an' how much betther off th' wurruld is, I'm proud ivmesilf. War an' pest'lence an' famine have occurred in me time, but Icount thim light
compared with th' binifits that have fallen to th' racesince I come on th' earth."

  "What ar-re ye talkin' about?" cried Mr. Hennessy, in deep disgust. "Allthis time ye've been standin' behind this bar ladlin' out disturbance toth' Sixth Wa-ard, an' ye haven't been as far east as Mitchigan Avnoo intwinty years. What have ye had to do with all these things?"

  "Well," said Mr. Dooley, "I had as much to do with thim as th' queen."

  ON THE CURRENCY QUESTION.

  "There's some tough knots in this here currency question," said Mr.McKenna. "A lot of things I don't quite catch."

  "Cough thim up," said Mr. Dooley. "I'm a reg'lar caddychism iv coinage.Who made ye? Gawd made me. Why did he make ye? F'r to know Him, loveHim, an' sarve Him all me days. That's th' way iv th' caddychism Ilearned whin I was a la-ad behind a hedge; but now 'tis: Who made ye?Ladenburg, Thalman an' Comp'ny made me. Why did they make ye? F'r toknow thim, love thim, an' sarve thim all me days. O-ho!"

  "That's all r-right," said Mr. Thomas Larkin, the Kerry horseshoer, whowas leaning over the cigar-case, reading what Mr. Lincoln, Mr. Blaine,Mr. Edward Atkinson, and Mr. Andrew D. White had to say in a smallpamphlet. "That's all r-right, Martin. But ye're talkin' like a Populistan' an anarchist an' a big bullhead gen'rally. Ye bring up two or threeJew men, an' think f'r to scare us with thim. But look here. Supposin' aman comes into my place an' lays down on th' anvil a silver dollar, an'I give it a wallop with me hammer"--

  "Thin," said Mr. Dooley, "ye're knockin' th' gover'mint."

  "How am I?" said Mr. Larkin. "Niver mind now: I take this here silverdollar, an' I fetch it wan with me hammer. What happens?"

  "Th' man that give ye th' dollar hands ye wan in th' nose," said Mr.Dooley.

  "Not at all, not at--all," said Mr. Larkin. "I take this here mutilatedan' disfigured an' bum dollar down to th' three-asury, an' I hand it in;an' Carlisle says, 'What kind iv an ol' piece iv mud is this ye'reflingin' at me?' he says. 'Take it away: it's nawthin' to me.'"

  "True for you, Larkin," said Mr. McKenna. "You're on the right track.Carlisle couldn't take it after you'd smashed it."

  "But," said Mr. Dooley, "look here: if ye had th' free an' unlimitedcoinage iv silver at a ratio iv sixteen to wan, ye cud take this heremass iv silver down to Carlisle, an' say, 'Here, Jawn, give me adollar'; an' he'd have to give it to ye."

  "A dollar of what?" said Mr. McKenna.

  "A dollar iv what?" repeated Mr. Dooley. "A dollar iv what? Man alive,don't ye know what a dollar is? Carlisle'd hand him out a plunk, a case,a buck. He'd say, 'Here, Larkin, ye're a dam fool to be malthreatin' th'currincy iv yer adophted counthry, but I have to give ye a dollarbecause ye're a good fellow an' a frind iv Dooley's.'"

  "He wouldn't say anything of the kind," said Mr. McKenna. "He'd giveLarkin fifty cents."

  "I'd push his face in if he did," said Mr. Larkin, warmly. "I'm as gooda ma-an as he is anny day. I'll have no man rob me."

  "But he wouldn't rob you," said Mr. McKenna. "Think of the purchasingpower: you've got to always figure that out. A dollar you'd get thenwould be worth only half as much as it's worth now. It'd be a dollarlike they run through the ringer down in Mexico."

  "How can wan dollar be worth on'y half as much as another dollar, ifthey're both dollars an' th' man that made thim is at la-arge?" answeredMr. Dooley. "Here's a dollar, an' here's a dollar. Wan akels th' other.Now you take this here dollar, an' come into my place. 'Give me a brandyan' sody,' ye say. Thin what do I say?"

  "You say you're just out of brandy and soda."

  "So I do, so I do. Thin you ask f'r a little liquor with beer f'r achaser. An' I give it to ye. Ye lay down wan iv these here quartzdollars. I return eighty-five cints. Larkin comes in later, ordhers th'same thing, an' I give him th' same threatment. I play no fav-rites.Entertainmint f'r man an' beast."

  "But, if we had free silver, you'd charge thirty cents for the drink,"said Mr. McKenna.

  "I wud not," said Mr. Dooley, hotly. "I niver overcharged a man in mylife, except durin' a campaign."

  "No one accuses you of overcharging," explained Mr. McKenna. "Everybodywould charge the same. It'd be the regular price."

  "If it was," said Mr. Dooley, "they'd be a rivolution. But I don'tbelieve it, Jawn. Let me tell ye wan thing. Whisky is th' standard ivvalue. It niver fluctuates; an' that's funny, too, seein' that so muchiv it goes down. It was th' same price--fifteen cints a slug, two f'r aquarther--durin' the war; an' it was th' same price afther the war. Theday befure th' crime iv sivinty-three it was worth fifteen cints: it wasworth th' same th' day afther. Goold and silver fluctuates, up wan day,down another; but whisky stands firm an' strong, unchangeable as th'skies, immovable as a rock at fifteen or two f'r a quarther. If theywant something solid as a standard iv value, something that niver israjjooced in price, something ye can exchange f'r food an' otherluxuries annywhere in th' civilized wurruld where man has a thirst,they'd move th' Mint over to th' internal rivinue office, and lave itstay there."

  Both Mr. Larkin and Mr. McKenna were diverted by this fancy.

  "There's some good argumints on both sides iv th' quisthion," said theKerry man. "I heerd a man be th' name of Doyle, a helper, compare moneyto th' human lungs."

  "Th' lung argumint is all right," said Mr. Dooley. "Th' whole currencyquestion is a matther iv lungs."

  ON POLITICAL PARADES.

  Mr. Hennessy, wearing a silver-painted stovepipe hat and a silver capeand carrying a torch, came in, looking much the worse for wear. The hatwas dented, the cape was torn, and there were marks on Mr. Hennessy'sface.

  "Where ye been?" asked Mr. Dooley.

  "Ma-archin,'" said Mr. Hennessy.

  "Be th' looks iv ye, ye might have been th' line iv ma-arch f'r th'p'rade. Who's been doin' things to ye?"

  "I had a currency debate with a man be th' name iv Joyce, a towny ivmine, in th' Audjiotoroom Hotel," said Mr. Hennessy. "Whin we got as faras th' price iv wheat in th' year iv th' big wind, we pushed each other.Give me a high glass iv beer. I'm as dhry as a gravel roof."

  "Well," said Mr. Dooley, handing over the glass, "ye're an ol' man; an',as th' good book says, an ol' fool is th' worst yet. So I'll not thry tocon-vince ye iv th' error iv ye'er ways. But why anny citizen that hasthings in his head shud dhress himself up like a sandwich-man, put atorch on his shoulder, an' toddle over this blessid town with his poorround feet, is more than I can come at with all me intelligence.

  "I agree with ye perfectly, Hinnissy, that this here is a crisis in ourhisthry. On wan hand is arrayed th' Shylocks an' th' pathrites, an' onth' other side th' pathrites an' th' arnychists. Th' Constitution mustbe upheld, th' gover'mint must be maintained, th' down-throdden farmeran' workin'man must get their rights. But do ye think, man alive, thatye're goin' to do this be pourin' lard ile frim ye'er torch down ye'erspine or thrippin' over sthreet-car tracks like a dhray-horse thryin' toplay circus? Is th' Constitution anny safer to-night because ye have tohave ye'er leg amputated to get ye'er boot off, or because Joyce hasmade ye'er face look like th' back dure-step iv a German resthrant?

  "Jawnny Mack took me down in th' afthernoon f'r to see th' monsthrousp'rade iv th' goold men. It was a gloryous spectacle. Th' sthreets werecrowded with goold bugs an' women an' polismin an' ambulances. Th'procission was miles an' miles long. Labor an' capital marched side beside, or annyhow labor was in its usual place, afther th' capitalists.It was a noble sight f'r to see th' employer iv workin'men marchin'ahead iv his band iv sturdy toilers that to rest thimsilves afther th'layboryous occupations iv th' week was reelin' undher banners thatdhrilled a hole in their stomachs or carryin' two-be-four joists to showtheir allegance to th' naytional honor. A man that has to shovel cokeinto a dhray or shove lumber out iv th' hole iv a barge or elevate hisprofession be carryin' a hod iv mort to th' top iv a laddher doesn'tmarch with th' grace iv an antelope, be a blamed sight. To march well, aman's feet have to be mates; an', if he has two left feet both runnin'sideways, he ought to have interference boots to keep him fr'm settin'fire to his knees
. Whin a man walks as if he expected to lave a legstuck in th' sthreet behind him, he has th' gait proper f'r half-pastsix o'clock th' avenin' before pay-day. But 'tis not th' prance iv anAmerican citizen makin' a gloryous spectacle iv himsilf."

  "They were coerced," said Mr. Hennessy, gloomily.

  "Don't ye believe it," replied the philosopher. "It niver requirescoercion to get a man to make a monkey iv himsilf in a prisidintialcampaign. He does it as aisily as ye dhrink ye'er liquor, an' that's tooaisy. Don't ye believe thim lads with lumber ya-ards on their necks an'bar'ls on their feet was coerced. There wasn't wan iv thim that wudden'tgive his week's wages f'r a chanst to show how many times he cud thripover a manhole in a mile. No more coerced than ye are whin ye r-run downtown an' make an ape iv ye-ersilf. I see ye marchin' away fr'mFinucane's with th' Willum J. O'Briens. Th' man nex' to ye had a bannerdeclarin' that he was no slave. 'Twas th' la-ad Johnson. He wasr-right. He is no slave, an' he won't be wan as long as people havewashin' to give to his wife. Th' man I see ye takin' a dhrink with had abanner that said if th' mines was opened th' mills would be opened, too.He meant be that, that if money was plenty enough f'r him to get somewithout wurrukin', he'd open a gin mill. An' ye ma-arched afther WillumJ. O'Brien, didn't ye? Well, he's a good la-ad. If I didn't think so, Iwudden't say it until I got me strenth back or cud buy a gun. But didWillum J. O'Brien march? Not Willie. He was on horseback; an', Hinnissy,if dollars was made out iv Babbit metal, an' horses was worthsixty-sivin cints a dhrove, ye cudden't buy a crupper."