Mr. Dooley Says Page 8

  WORK

  "Ye haven't sthruck yet, have ye?" said Mr. Dooley.

  "Not yet," said Mr. Hennessy. "But th' dillygate was up at th' millsto-day an' we may be called out anny minyit now."

  "Will ye go?" asked Mr. Dooley.

  "Ye bet I will," said Mr. Hennessy. "Ye just bet I will. I stand firm beunion principles an' besides it's hot as blazes up there these days. Iwudden't mind havin' a few weeks off."

  "Ye'll do right to quit," said Mr. Dooley. "I have no sympathy withsthrikers. I have no sympathy with thim anny more thin I have withpeople goin' off to a picnic. A sthrike is a wurrukin' man's vacation.If I had to be wan iv thim horny-handed sons iv toil, th' men that havemade our counthry what it is an' creates th' wealth iv th' wurruld--ifI had to be wan iv thim pillars iv th' constitution, which thank Gawd Ihaven't, 'tis sthrikin' I'd be all th' time durin' th' heated term. I'dbegin sthrikin' whin th' flowers begin to bloom in th' parks, an' I'dstay on sthrike till 'twas too cold to sit out on th' bleachers at th'baseball park. Ye bet I wud.

  "I've noticed that nearly all sthrikes occur in th' summer time.Sthrikes come in th' summer time an' lockouts in th' winter. In th'summer whin th' soft breezes blows through shop an' facthry, fannin' th'cheeks iv th' artisan an' settin' fire to his whiskers, whin th' mainguy is off at th' seashore bein' pinched f'r exceedin' th' speed limit,whin 'tis comfortable to sleep out at nights an' th' Sox have started abatting sthreak, th' son iv Marthy, as me frind Roodyard Kipling callshim, begins to think iv th' rights iv labor.

  "Th' more he looks out iv th' window, th' more he thinks about hisrights, an' wan warm day he heaves a couplin' pin at th' boss an'saunters away. Sthrikes are a great evil f'r th' wurrukin' man, but soare picnics an' he acts th' same at both. There's th' same not gettin'up till ye want to, th' same meetin' ye'er frinds f'r th' first time intheir good clothes an' th' same thumpin' sthrangers over th' head with abrick. Afther awhile th' main guy comes home fr'm th' seaside, raiseswages twinty per cent, fires th' boss an' takes in th' walkin' dillygateas a specyal partner.

  "But in winter, what Hogan calls another flower iv our industhreelsystem blooms. In th' winter it's warmer in th' foundhry thin in th'home. There is no hearth as ample in anny man's home as th' hearth th'Steel Comp'ny does its cookin' by. It is pleasant to see th' citizenafther th' rigors iv a night at home hurryin' to th' mills to toast hisnumbed limbs in th' warm glow iv th' Bessemer furnace. About this timeth' main guy takes a look at the thermometer an' chases th' specyalpartner out iv th' office with th' annual report iv th' CivicFeatheration. He thin summons his hardy assocyates about him an' sayshe: 'Boys, I will no longer stand f'r th' tyranny iv th' unions.Conditions has changed since last summer. It's grown much colder. I donot care f'r the money at stake, but there is a great principleinvolved. I cannot consint to have me business run be outsiders at acost iv near thirty thousand dollars a year,' says he. An' there's alockout.

  "'Tis a matther iv th' seasons. So if ye sthrike ye'll not get mesympathy. I resarve that f'r me infeeryors. I'll keep me sympathy f'rth' poor fellow that has nobody to lure him away fr'm his toil an' thathas to sweat through August with no chanst iv gettin' a day in th' openonless th' milishy are ordhered out an' thin whin he goes back to wurrukth' chances are somebody's got his job while th' sthrikin' wurrukin' manreturns with his pockets full iv cigars an' is hugged at th' dure be themain guy. If I was rejooced to wurrukin' f'r me livin', if I was a soniv Marthy I'd be a bricklayer. They always sthrike durin' th' buildin'season. They time it just right. They niver quit wurruk. They thry notto meet it. It is what Hogan calls a pecolyar fact that bricklayersalways time their vacations f'r th' peeryod whin there is wurruk to bedone.

  "No, sir, don't ask me to weep over th' downthrodden wurrukin' man whinhe's out on sthrike. Ye take these here tillygraft op'rators that havelaid off wurruk f'r th' summer. Do they look as though they weresufferin'? Ye bet they don't. Th' tired tillygraft op'rator come homelast week with a smile on his face. 'I have good news f'r ye, mother,'says he. 'Ye haven't sthruck?' says she, hope sthrugglin' with fear inher face. 'Ye've guessed it,' says he. 'We weren't exactly ordhered out.Th' signal f'r a sthrike was to be a series iv sharp whistles fr'm thewalkin' dillygate, but, whin that didn't come an' we were tired ivwaitin' th' report iv th' baseball game come over th' wires an' wemistook that f'r a signal. Ye must get the childher ready f'r a day inth' counthry. We can't tell how soon this sthruggle again th' greed ivcapital will be declared off an' we must make th' most iv it while itlasts,' says he.

  "I know a tillygraft op'rator, wan iv thim knights iv th' key that has afine job in a counthry deepo. All he has to do is to be up in time toflag number eight at six o'clock an' wait till number thirty-two goesthrough at midnight, keep thrains fr'm bumpin' into each other, turnswitches, put up th' simaphore, clean th' lamps an' hand out time tablesan' sell tickets. F'r these dissypations he dhraws down all th' way fr'mfifteen to twinty dollars a week. An' he wants to sthrike. An' th'pa-apers say if he does he'll tie up our impeeryal railroad systems.Think iv that. I never had much iv an opinyon iv him. All he iver donef'r me was to misspell me name. He's a little thin man that cudden'tlift an eighth iv beer with both hands, but he's that important if heleaps his job we'll all have to walk.

  "I've often thought I'd like to have th' walkin' dillygate iv th' LiquorDealers' Binivolent Assocyation come around an' ordher me to lay downme lemon squeezer an' bung starter an' walk out. But nawthin' iv th'kind iver happens an' if it did happen no wan wud care a sthraw. Th'whole wurruld shuddhers at th' thought that me frind Ike Simpson, thetillygraft op'rator, may take a day off: but me or Pierpont Morgan mightquit f'r a year an' no wan wud care. Supposin' Rockyfellar an' PierpontMorgan an' Jim Hill shud form a union, an' shud demand a raise iv amillyon dollars a year, reduction iv wurrukin' time fr'm two to wan hourivry week, th' closed shop, two apprentices f'r each bank an' no wanallowed to make money onless he cud show a union card? Whin th' sthrikecomity waited on us we'd hoist our feet on th' kitchen table, light aseegar, polish our bone collar button with th' sleeve iv our flannelshirt an' till thim to go to Bannagher.

  "We'd say: 'Ye'er demands are onraisonable an' we will not submit. F'ryears we have run th' shop almost at a loss. There are plenty iv men totake ye'er places. They may not be as efficient at first but they'llsoon larn. Ye'er demands are refused an' ye can bang th' dure aftherye.' A fine chanct a millyonaire wud have thryin' to persuade ye bepeaceful means fr'm takin' his job. Think iv him on th' dead linethryin' to coax ye not to go in but to stand by him as he would sit onye if you were in th' same position. Wud ye or wud ye not lave ye'ercoat in his hands as ye plunged in th' bank? They'd have to resort tovilence. Th' stock exchange wud go out in sympathy. Th' milishy wud becalled out an' afther awhile th' financeers wud come back with theirhats in their hands an' find their old places took be other men.

  "No, sir, a sthrike iv financeers wudden't worry anny wan. 'Tis asthrange thing whin we come to think iv it that th' less money a mangets f'r his wurruk, th' more nicissry it is to th' wurruld that he shudgo on wurrukin'. Ye'er boss can go to Paris on a combination wedding an'divoorce thrip an' no wan bothers his head about him. But if ye shud goto Paris--excuse me f'r laughin' mesilf black in th' face--th'industhrees iv the counthry pines away.

  "An' th' higher up a man regards his wurruk, th' less it amounts to. Wecud manage to scrape along without electhrical injineers but we'd have adivvle iv a time without scavengers. Ye look down on th' fellow thatdhrives th' dump cart, but if it wasn't f'r him ye'd niver be able topursoo ye'er honorable mechanical profissyon iv pushin' th' barrow. WhinAndhrew Carnagie quit, ye wint on wurrukin'; if ye quit wurruk, he'llhave to come back. P'raps that's th' reason th' wurrukin' man don't getmore iv thim little pictures iv a buffalo in his pay envelope iv aSaturdah night. If he got more money he wud do less wurruk. He has to bekept in thrainin'.

  "Th' way to make a man useful to th' wurruld is to give him a littlemoney an' a lot iv wurruk. An' 'tis th' on'y way to make him happy, too.I don't mean c
oarse, mateeryal happiness like private yachts an'autymobills an' rich food an' other corrodin' pleasures. I meansomething entirely diffr'ent. I don't know what I mean but I see in th'pa-apers th' other day that th' on'y road to happiness was hard wurruk.'Tis a good theery. Some day I'm goin' to hire a hall an' preach it inNewport. I wudden't mintion it in Ar-rchy Road where wurruk abounds. Idon't want to be run in f'r incitin' a riot.

  "This pa-aper says th' farmer niver sthrikes. He hasn't got th' time to.He's too happy. A farmer is continted with his ten-acre lot. There'snawthin' to take his mind off his wurruk. He sleeps at night with hisnose against th' shingled roof iv his little frame home an' dhreams ivcinch bugs. While th' stars are still alight he walks in his sleep towake th' cow that left th' call f'r four o'clock. Thin it's ho! f'rfeedin' th' pigs an' mendin' th' reaper. Th' sun arises as usual in th'east an' bein' a keen student iv nature, he picks a cabbage leaf to putin his hat. Breakfast follows, a gay meal beginnin' at nine an' endin'at nine-three. Thin it's off f'r th' fields where all day he sets on abicycle seat an' reaps the bearded grain an' th' Hessian fly, withnawthin' but his own thoughts an' a couple iv horses to commune with.An' so he goes an' he's happy th' livelong day if ye don't get inear-shot iv him. In winter he is employed keepin' th' cattle fr'msufferin' his own fate an' writin' testymonyals iv dyspepsia cures. 'Tissthrange I niver heerd a farmer whistle except on Sunday.

  "No, sir, ye can't tell me that a good deal iv wurruk is good f'r annyman. A little wurruk is not bad, a little wurruk f'r th' stomach's sakean' to make ye sleep sound, a kind of nightcap, d'ye mind. But a gr-reatdeal iv wurruk, especially in th' summer time, will hurt anny man thatindulges in it. So, though I don't sympathize with sthrikers, Icongratulate thim. Sthrike, says I, while the iron is hot an' ye'er mostneeded to pound it into a horseshoe. An' especially wud I adviseivrybody to sthrike whin th' weather is hot."