Mr. Dooley: In the Hearts of His Countrymen Read online

  "'I lave ye,' he says, 'but I'll call on ye,' he says. 'Take,' hesays, 'this little silver-mounted bottle iv broomo-caffeen,' he says,'an' think iv me,' he says. 'I will,' says Mack. 'Ar-ren't ye tired ivye'er long journey?' he says. 'Wudden't ye like to take a bath in th'shark pond before ye go?' he says. An' so they backed away fr'm eachother, th' tears rollin' down their cheeks. Frindship, Hinnissy, is asacred thing."

  "It is," said Mr. Hennessy, "if they are; but I don't b'lieve wanwurrud ye tol' me."

  "Well," said Mr. Dooley, "if they ain't both frinds, wan iv thim is.An', annyhow, I'm glad to know Tom Reed ain't thryin' to break intojail."

  SLAVIN CONTRA WAGNER.

  "Ol' man Donahue bought Molly a pianny las' week," Mr. Dooley said inthe course of his conversation with Mr. McKenna. "She'd been takin'lessons fr'm a Dutchman down th' sthreet, an' they say she can play asaisy with her hands crossed as she can with wan finger. She's beenwhalin' away iver since, an' Donahue is dhrinkin' again.

  "Ye see th' other night some iv th' la-ads wint over f'r to seewhether they cud smash his table in a frindly game iv forty-fives. Idon't know what possessed Donahue. He niver asked his frinds into theparlor befure. They used to set in th' dining-room; an', whin Mrs.Donahue coughed at iliven o'clock, they'd toddle out th' side durewith their hats in their hands. But this here night, whether 'twasthat Donahue had taken on a dhrink or two too much or not, he askedthim all in th' front room, where Mrs. Donahue was settin' with Molly.'I've brought me frinds,' he says, 'f'r to hear Molly take a fall outiv th' music-box,' he says. 'Let me have ye'er hat, Mike,' he says.'Ye'll not feel it whin ye get out,' he says.

  "At anny other time Mrs. Donahue 'd give him th' marble heart. But theywasn't a man in th' party that had a pianny to his name, an' she knewthey'd be throuble whin they wint home an' tould about it. ''Tis amel-odjious insthrument,' says she. 'I cud sit here be the hour an'listen to Bootoven and Choochooski,' she says.

  "'What did thim write?' says Cassidy. 'Chunes,' says Donahue, 'chunes:Molly,' he says, 'fetch 'er th' wallop to make th' gintlemen feelgood,' he says. 'What 'll it be, la-ads?' 'D'ye know "Down be th'Tan-yard Side"?' says Slavin. 'No,' says Molly. 'It goes like this,'says Slavin. 'A-ah, din yadden, yooden a-yadden, arrah yadden ay-a.''I dinnaw it,' says th' girl. ''Tis a low chune, annyhow,' says Mrs.Donahue. 'Misther Slavin ividintly thinks he's at a polis picnic,' shesays. 'I'll have no come-all-ye's in this house,' she says. 'Molly,give us a few ba-ars fr'm Wagner.' 'What Wagner's that?' saysFlannagan. 'No wan ye know,' says Donahue; 'he's a German musician.''Thim Germans is hot people f'r music,' says Cassidy. 'I knowed wanthat cud play th' "Wacht am Rhine" on a pair iv cymbals,' he says,'Whisht!' says Donahue. 'Give th' girl a chanst.'

  "Slavin tol' me about it. He says he niver heerd th' like in his borndays. He says she fetched th' pianny two or three wallops that madeCassidy jump out iv his chair, an' Cassidy has charge iv th' steamwhistle at th' quarry at that. She wint at it as though she had agredge at it. First 'twas wan hand an' thin th' other, thin bothhands, knuckles down; an' it looked, says Slavin, as if she was goin'to leap into th' middle iv it with both feet, whin Donahue jumps up.'Hol' on!' he says. 'That's not a rented pianny, ye daft girl,' hesays. 'Why, pap-pah,' says Molly, 'what d'ye mean?' she says. 'That'sWagner,' she says. ''Tis th' music iv th' future,' she says. 'Yes,'says Donahue, 'but I don't want me hell on earth. I can wait f'r it,'he says, 'with th' kind permission iv Mrs. Donahue,' he says. 'Play usth' "Wicklow Mountaineer,"' he says, 'an' threat th' masheen kindly,'he says, 'She'll play no "Wicklow Mountaineer,"' says Mrs. Donahue.'If ye want to hear that kind iv chune, ye can go down to Finucane'sHall,' she says, 'an' call in Crowley, th' blind piper,' she says.'Molly,' she says, 'give us wan iv thim Choochooski things,' she said.'They're so ginteel.'

  "With that Donahue rose up. 'Come on,' says he. 'This is no place f'rus,' he says. Slavin, with th' politeness iv a man who's gettin' even,turns at th' dure. I'm sorry I can't remain,' he says. 'I think th'wurruld an' all iv Choochooski,' he says. 'Me brother used to play hischunes,' he says,--'me brother Mike, that run th' grip ca-ar,' hesays. 'But there's wan thing missin' fr'm Molly's playing', he says.'And what may that be?' says Mrs. Donahue. 'An ax,' says Slavin,backin' out.

  "So Donahue has took to dhrink."

  GRAND OPERA.

  "Jawn," said Mr. Dooley, "'tis a gr-reat thing to be a polisman. Mefrind Doheny, what used to be at Deerin' Sthreet, have got on th'crossin' an' they've planted him down be th' Audjitooroom. He was uphere las' week, an' says he, 'Run in, an' look at th' op'ra,' says he.'Run in, an' take a flash iv it,' he says. ''Tis gr-reat,' he says. SoI takes Duggan, an' we goes down together.

  "Well, Doheny does be gr-reat paper with thim. He was standin' be th'dure, with white gloves over his hands; an', whin we come, he give th'office to th' la-ad on th' gate, an' says th' la-ad, 'Sure thing,' hesays. 'Sure thing,' an' in we goes. They was a lot iv Gazoorios there,some iv thim settin' in seats an' some iv thim in bur-rd cages upabove, an' more standin'. Thim standin' was th' la-ads that Dohenyrushed in. Ye niver see such a lot iv thim,--Cassidy, O'Regan, Hogan,Mulcahey, Shay, Mullaney, Mullvihill, an' th' eight O'Neills,--allsint through be Doheny without cridintials. Sure, it looked like ameetin' iv th' Wolf Tones. It did that.

  "Th' op'ra was on whin we wint in, an' they was whalin' away inEyetallian. Duggan listened; an' says he, 'What's the man sayin'?' hesays. 'I dinnaw,' I says. 'He's talkin' Chinese, an',' says I, 'they'regoin' to sind him to th' laundhry,' says I. 'Look,' I says. 'They'reputtin' him in th' clothes-basket,' I says. 'If they do,' says he,'he'll niver come back,' he says, 'or else he'll have another name,'he says. 'Let's buy a scoor ca-ard,' says he. So he bought wan, an'was r-readin' it an' lookin' over th' top iv it at th' women in th'boxes, an' wondhrin' why some wan didn't tell thim their dhresses wasslippin' down, whin over comes Cassidy, and says he, 'What's th' newsin th' Sixth?' 'Nawthin,' says Duggan. 'Will O'Brien win?' saysCassidy. 'They can't beat him,' says Duggan. 'I dinnaw,' says Cassidy.'Come over here, an' I'll tell ye,' says Duggan. Dinny Shay an' Hoganan' Mullaney jined us, an' we wint an' set on the steps.

  "'Can Winter beat Swift?' says Shay. 'I'd like to know,' says Hogan.'I don't know who to vote f'r,' he says; 'an' Mike is in th' watheroffice,' he says. ''Tis a cinch Hinky 'll win out in th' First,' saysMullaney. 'He have a sthrong man again him,' says Hogan. 'Gleason havewan or two lodgin'-houses.' 'Three,' says Shay; 'but Hinkey knows allth' lodgers,' he says. ''Twas a mane thing th' main guy done withCallaghan,' says Hogan. 'What's that?' says Shay. 'Thrun him off th'bridge,' says Hogan, 'because he come fr'm Kerry,' he says. 'I don'tbelieve wan wurrud iv it,' says Mullaney. 'They're more Kerry men onbridges thin anny other counties,' he says. 'What has bet Hopkins,' hesays, 'is his frindship fr'm th' Mayo men,' he says. 'Th' Mayo men isgreat f'r carryin' prim'ries, afther they're over,' he says. 'But didanny wan iver hear iv thim doin' anny good whin th' votes was bein'cast?' 'I knowed wan that did,' says Cassidy, as black as ye'er boot.'His name was Cassidy,' he says; 'an' he done some good,' he says, 'beprivintin' a man be th' name iv Mullaney,' he says, 'fr'm bein' adilligate.' 'Ye had th' polis with ye,' says Mullaney. 'Ye wassupported be th' fire departmint,' says Cassidy.

  "'Let's change th' subject,' says Duggan, 'What show has Dorsey got inth' Twinty-ninth? 'None at all,' says wan iv th' O'Neills who 'd comeover. 'He have th' Civic Featheration again him.' 'Who cares f'r th'Civic Featheration?' says Mulcahey. 'They don't vote,' he says.'What 'll kill Dorsey,' he says, 'is his bein' an Apee-a.' 'He's noApee-a,' says Mike O'Neill. 'I wint to th' Brothers' school with him,'he says. 'Whiniver a man comes up that can't be downed anny way, he'scalled an Apee-a,' he says. 'He's no more an Apee-a thin ye are,' hesays. 'D'ye mean to call me that?' says Mulcahey. 'Come out, an' havea dhrink,' I says; an' we wint down.

  "Well, Jawn, we had wan iv th' liveliest political argumints ye iversee without so much as a blow bein' sthruck. Evenly matched, d'yemind, with a chair f'r ivry man. An' th' bar-tinder was a frind ivmine. I knowed him whin he was with Schwa
rtzmeister. A good la-ad,--agood lad."

  "But what about th' opera?" asked Mr. McKenna.

  "Th' op'ra wus gr-reat," said Mr. Dooley; "but I think Mulcahey wasright. Dorsey can't win."

  THE CHURCH FAIR.

  "Wanst I knew a man," said Mr. Dooley, laying down his newspaper, "beth' name iv Burke, that come fr'm somewhere around Derry, though hewas no Presbyteryan. He was iv th' right sort. Well, he was feelin'how-come-ye-so, an' he dhrifted over to where we was holdin' a fair.They was a band outside, an' he thought it was a grand openin'. So hecome in with a cigar in th' side iv his mouth an' his hat hangin' ontohis ear. It was th' last night iv th' fair, an' ivrything was wideopen; f'r th' priest had gone home, an' we wanted f'r to break th'record. This Burke was f'r lavin' whin he see where he was; but we runhim again th' shootin' gallery, where ye got twinty-five cints, aquarther iv a dollar, f'r ivry time ye rang th' bell. Th' ol' gun wehad was crooked as a ram's horn, but it must 've fitted into Burke'ssquint; f'r he made that there bell ring as if he was a conducthor iva grip-car roundin' a curve. He had th' shootin' gallery on its lastlegs whin we run him again th' wheel iv fortune. He broke it. Thin wethried him on th' grab-bag. They was four goold watches an' annyquantity iv brickbats an' chunks iv coal in th' bag. He had fourdives, an' got a watch each time. He took a chanst on ivrything; an'he won a foldin'-bed, a doll that cud talk like an old gate, a pianny,a lamp-shade, a Life iv St. Aloysius, a pair iv shoes, a baseball bat,an ice-cream freezer, an' th' pomes iv Mike Scanlan.

  "Th' comity was disthracted. Here was a man that 'd break th' fair,an' do it with th' best iv humor; f'r he come fr'm another parish. Sowe held a private session. 'What 'll we do?' says Dorgan, th' chairman.They was a man be th' name iv Flaherty, a good man thin an' a betthernow; f'r he's dead, may he rest in peace! An' Flaherty says: 'We'vegot to take th' bull be th' horns,' he says. 'If ye lave him to me,'he says, 'I'll fix him,' he says.

  "So he injooced this man Burke to come down back iv th' shootin'gallery, an' says he to Burke, 'Ye're lucky to-night.' 'Not so very,'says Burke. ''Twud be a shame to lave ye get away with all ye won,'says Flaherty. ''Twill be a great inconvanience,' says Burke. 'I'llhave to hire two or three dhrays,' he says; 'an' 'tis late.' 'Well,'says Flaherty, 'I'm appinted be th' parish to cut th' ca-ards withye,' he says, 'whether ye're to give back what ye won or take what'sleft.' ''Tis fair,' says Burke; 'an', whoiver wins, 'tis f'r a goodcause.' An' he puts th' watches an' th' money on th' table.

  "'High man,' says Flaherty. 'High man,' says Burke. Flaherty cut th'king iv spades. Burke, th' robber, cut th' ace iv hearts. He wasreachin' out f'r th' money, whin Flaherty put his hands over it. 'Wudye take it?' says he. 'I wud,' says Burke. 'Wud ye rob th' church?'says Flaherty. 'I wud,' says Burke. 'Thin,' says Flaherty, scoopin' itin, 'ye're a heretic; an' they'se nawthin' comin' to ye.'

  "Burke looked at him, an' he looked at th' comity; an' he says,'Gintlemen, if iver ye come over in th' Sixth Ward, dhrop in an' seeme,' he says. 'I'll thry an' make it plisint f'r ye,' he says. An' hewint away.

  "Th' story got out, an' th' good man heerd iv it. He was mighty madabout it; an' th' nex' sermon he preached was on th' evils ivgamblin', but he asked Flaherty f'r to take up th' colliction."

  THE WANDERERS.

  "Poor la-ads, poor la-ads," said Mr. Dooley, putting aside hisnewspaper and rubbing his glasses. "'Tis a hard lot theirs, thim thatgo down into th' sea in ships, as Shakespeare says. Ye niver see astorm on th' ocean? Iv coorse ye didn't. How cud ye, ye that was bornaway fr'm home? But I have, Jawn. May th' saints save me fr'm another!I come over in th' bowels iv a big crazy balloon iv a propeller, likewan iv thim ye see hooked up to Dempsey's dock, loaded with lumber an'slabs an' Swedes. We watched th' little ol' island fadin' away behindus, with th' sun sthrikin' th' white house-tops iv Queenstown an'lightin' up th' chimbleys iv Martin Hogan's liquor store. Not wan ivus but had left near all we loved behind, an' sare a chance that we'diver spoon th' stirabout out iv th' pot above th' ol' peat fire again.Yes, by dad, there was wan,--a lad fr'm th' County Roscommon. Divvleth' tear he shed. But, whin we had parted fr'm land, he turns to me,an' says, 'Well, we're on our way,' he says. 'We are that,' says I.'No chanst f'r thim to turn around an' go back,' he says. 'Divvle th'fut,' says I. 'Thin,' he says, raisin' his voice, 'to 'ell with th'Prince iv Wales,' he says. 'To 'ell with him,' he says.

  "An' that was th' last we see of sky or sun f'r six days. That nightcome up th' divvle's own storm. Th' waves tore an' walloped th' ol'boat, an' th' wind howled, an' ye cud hear th' machinery snortin'beyant. Murther, but I was sick. Wan time th' ship 'd be settin' onits tail, another it 'd be standin' on its head, thin rollin' overcow-like on th' side; an' ivry time it lurched me stummick lurchedwith it, an' I was tore an' rint an' racked till, if death come, it 'dfound me willin'. An' th' Roscommon man,--glory be, but he wasdisthressed. He set on th' flure, with his hands on his belt an' hisface as white as stone, an' rocked to an' fro. 'Ahoo,' he says, 'ahoo,but me insides has torn loose,' he says, 'an' are tumblin' around,' hesays. 'Say a pather an' avy,' says I, I was that mad f'r th' bigbosthoon f'r his blatherin'. 'Say a pather an' avy,' I says; f'r ye'renear to death's dure, avick.' 'Am I?' says he, raising up. 'Thin,' hesays, 'to 'ell with the whole rile fam'ly,' he says. Oh, he was arebel!

  "Through th' storm there was a babby cryin'. 'Twas a little wan, nomore thin a year ol'; an' 'twas owned be a Tipp'rary man who come fr'mnear Clonmel, a poor, weak, scarey-lookin' little divvle that lost hiswife, an' see th' bailiff walk off with th' cow, an' thin see him comeback again with th' process servers. An' so he was comin' over withth' babby, an' bein' mother an' father to it. He'd rock it be th' houron his knees, an' talk nonsense to it, an' sing it songs, 'Aha, 'twasthere I met a maiden,' an' 'Th' Wicklow Mountaineer,' an' 'Th' Ramblerfr'm Clare,' an' 'O'Donnel Aboo,' croonin' thim in th' little babby'sears, an' payin' no attintion to th' poorin' thunder above his head,day an' night, day an' night, poor soul. An' th' babby cryin' out hisheart, an' him settin' there with his eyes as red as his hair, an'makin' no kick, poor soul.

  "But wan day th' ship settled down steady, an' ragin' stummicks withit; an' th' Roscommon man shakes himself, an' says, 'To 'ell with th'Prince iv Wales an' th' Dook iv Edinboroo,' an' goes out. An' near allth' steerage followed; f'r th' storm had done its worst, an' gone onto throuble those that come afther, an' may th' divvle go with it.'Twill be rest f'r that little Tipp'rary man; f'r th' waves wasr-runnin' low an' peaceful, an' th' babby have sthopped cryin'.

  "He had been settin' on a stool, but he come over to me. 'Th' storm,'says I, 'is over. 'Twas wild while it lasted,' says I. 'Ye may sayso,' says he. 'Well, please Gawd,' says I, 'that it left none worseoff thin us.' 'It blew ill f'r some an' aise f'r others,' says he.'Th' babby is gone.'

  "An' so it was, Jawn, f'r all his rockin' an' singin'. An' in th'avnin' they burried it over th' side into th' sea. An' th' little mansee thim do it."

  MAKING A CABINET.

  "I suppose, Jawn," said Mr. Dooley, "ye do be afther a governmint job.Is it council to Athlone or what, I dinnaw?"

  "I haven't picked out the place yet," said Mr. McKenna. "Bill wrote methe day after election about it. He says: 'John,' he says, 'takeanything you want that's not nailed to the wall,' he says. He heard ofmy good work in the Twenty-ninth. We rolled up eight votes in Carey'sprecinct, and had five of them counted; and that's more of a miraclethan carrying New York by three hundred thousand."

  "It is so," said Mr. Dooley. "It is f'r a fact. Ye must 've give theclerks an' judges morphine, an' ye desarve great credit. Ye ought tohave a place; an' I think ye'll get wan, if there's enough to go roundamong th' Irish Raypublicans. 'Tis curious what an effect an ilictionhas on th' Irish Raypublican vote. In October an Irish Raypublican'sso rare people point him out on th' sthreet, an' women carry theirbabies to see him. But th' day afther iliction, glory be, ye run intothim ivrywhere,--on th' sthreet-car, in the sthreet, in saloonsprincipally, an' at th' meetin's iv th' Raypublican Comity. I've seenas manny iv them as twinty in here to-day
, an' ivry wan iv thim fit torun anny job in th' governmint, fr'm directin' th' Departmint iv Stateto carryin' ashes out an' dumpin thim in th' white lot.

  "They can't all have jobs, but they've got to be attinded to first;an', whin Mack's got through with thim, he can turn in an' make upthat cabinet iv his. Thin he'll have throuble iv his own, th' poorman, on'y comin' into fifty thousand a year and rint free. If 'twaswan iv th' customs iv th' great raypublic iv ours, Jawn, f'r toappoint th' most competent men f'r th' places, he'd have a mightysmall lot f'r to pick fr'm. But, seein' that on'y thim is iligiblethat are unfit, he has th' divvle's own time selectin'. F'r Sicrety ivState, if he follows all iv what Casey calls recent precidints, he'slimited to ayether a jack-leg counthry lawyer, that has set aroundWashington f'r twinty years, pickin' up a dollar or two be runnin'errands f'r a foreign imbassy, or a judge that doesn't know whetherth' city of Booloogne-sure-Mere, where Tynan was pinched, is inBoolgahria or th' County Cavan. F'r Sicrety iv th' Threasury he has achoice iv three kinds iv proud and incompetent fi-nanceers. He canayether take a bank prisident, that 'll see that his little bank an'its frinds doesn't get th' worst iv it, or a man that cudden'tmaintain th' par'ty iv a counthry dhry-good store long enough to standoff th' sheriff, or a broken-down Congressman, that is full iv redliquor half the year, an' has remorse settin' on his chest th' otherhalf.

  "On'y wan class is iligible f'r Attorney-gin'ral. To fill that job, aman's got to be a first-class thrust lawyer. If he ain't, th' Lordknows what 'll happen. Be mistake he might prosecute a thrust some day,an' th' whole counthry 'll be rooned. He must be a man competint f'r toavoid such pitfalls an' snares, so 'tis th' rule f'r to have him hangon to his job with th' thrust afther he gets to Washington. This keepshim in touch with th' business intherests.