Mr. Dooley in Peace and in War Read online

  "Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "th' poor man must've had a har-rd time ivit."

  "He did," said Mr. Dooley. "Niver laid his head to a pillow beforeeight, up with th' moon: he's suffered as no man can tell. But he'll beall r-right whin his mind's at r-rest."

  ON THE PRESIDENT'S CAT.

  "'Twas this way about Dr. Huckenlooper. Mack has a cat that was give himf'r a Chris'mas prisint be me frind Pierpont Morgan, an' th' cat was agr-reat favor-ite in th' White House. 'Twas as quite as th' Sicrety ivAgriculture an' as affectionate as th' Sicrety iv th' Three-asury. Th'cat was called Goold Bonds, because iv th' inthrest he dhrew. He veryoften played with th' Sicrety iv th' Navy, an' ivry wan that come to th'White House f'r a job loved him.

  "But wan day Goold Bonds begun to look bad. He cudden't ate th' r-richcrame out iv th' di'mon'-studded saucer. He stopped castin' an eye atth' c'nary in th' cage. Whin th' Sicrety iv th' Navy wint down f'r toplay with him, Goold Bonds spit at that good an' gr-reat man. Mack wasshavin' himsilf befure th' lookin'-glass, an' had jus' got his facepulled r-round to wan side f'r a good gash, whin he heerd a scream ivag'ny behind him, an' tur-rned to see Goold Bonds leap up with his pawson his stomach an' hit th' ceilin'. Mack give a cry iv turror, an'grabbed at Goold Bonds. Away wint Goold Bonds through th' house. Th'Sicrety iv War seen him comin', an' called, 'Pussy, pussy.' Goold Bondswint through his legs, an' galloped f'r where th' Postmaster-gin'ral wassettin' editin' his pa-aper. Th' Postmaster-gin'ral had jus' got as faras 'we opine,' whin he see Goold Bonds, an' he bate th' cat to th' windybe a whisker.

  "Well, Goold Bonds ended up in th' coal cellar, an' they was a cab'netcouncil f'r to see what was to be done. 'Sind f'r Doctor Heinegagubler,'says th' Sicrety iv War. 'He's wan iv th' gr-reatest surgeons iv ourtime,' he says, 'an' can cure annything fr'm pips to glanders,' he says.Th' famous Doctor Honeycooler was summoned. 'Sir,' says Mack, 'GooldBonds, th' pride iv th' administhration, has had a fit,' he says. ''Twudbr-reak our hear-rts to lose our little pet,' he says. 'Go,' he says,'an' take such measures as ye'er noble healin' ar-rt sug-gists,' hesays; 'an' may th' prayers iv an agonized foster-parent go with ye,' hesays. An' Doctor Higgenlocker wint down into th' coal-shed; an' whin hecome back, it was with Goold Bonds in his ar-rms, weak an' pale, butwith a wan smile on his lips.

  "Afther embracin' Goold Bonds an' tuckin' him away in bed, Mack tur-rnsto th' Dock. 'Dock,' he says, 'ye have performed a noble sarvice,' hesays. 'I appint ye a major-gin'ral,' he says. 'I'm that already,' saysth' Dock. 'I've r-rich relatives in Philadelphia,' he says. 'But,' saysMack, ''tis a shame to think iv ye'er noble sarvices bein' wasted,' hesays, 'whin ye'er counthry calls,' he says. 'I appint ye,' he says,'surgeon-gin'ral,' he says. 'Pro-ceed,' he says, 'to Cubia, an' stampout th' dhread ravages,' he says, 'iv r-ringbone an' stagger,' he says.

  "That's how Dock got th'job. He was a gr-reat man down there, an' nowhe's wan iv th' vethranaryans iv th' war. Ye heerd iv typhoid an' yellowfever in th' threnches; but did ye hear annything iv spavin or th'foot-an'-mouth disease? Not wanst. Dock was on jooty late an' early.Sleepless an' vigilant, he stood beside th' suffrin' mules, allayin'their pain, an' slowly but surely dhraggin' thim out iv th' clutches ivpinkeye an' epizootic. He had a cheery wurrud, a pleasant smile, an' abottle iv liniment f'r wan an' all. He cured Teddy Rosenfelt's hor-rseiv intherference an' made a soothin' lotion iv axle-grease f'r Gin'ralShafter's buckboard. Ye might see him anny time wandhrin' through th'camp with a hatful of oats or a wisp of hay. They called him th' StallAngel, and countless thousands iv sick hor-rses blessed him. He's agr-reat man is th' Dock. But, if it hadn't been f'r Goold Bonds, th'counthry wud niver have had his sarvices. Who knows but that Mack's catwas th' rale victhor at Sandago?"

  "Didn't he cure anny men?" asked Mr. Hennessy.

  "Sure," said Mr. Dooley. "He cured Teddy Rosenfelt iv boltin'."

  ON A SPEECH BY PRESIDENT McKINLEY.

  "I hear-r that Mack's in town," said Mr. Dooley.

  "Didn't ye see him?" asked Mr. Hennessy.

  "Faith, I did not!" said Mr. Dooley. "If 'tis meetin' me he's afther,all he has to do is to get on a ca-ar an' r-ride out to numbernine-double-naught-nine Archey R-road, an' stop whin he sees th' sign ivth' Tip-p'rary Boodweiser Brewin' Company. I'm here fr'm eight in themornin' till midnight, an' th' r-rest iv th' time I'm in the back roomin th' ar-rms iv Or-rphyus, as Hogan says. Th' Presidint is as welcomeas anny rayspictable marrid man. I will give him a chat an' a dhrink f'rfifteen cints; an', as we're not, as a frind iv mine in th' grocery an'pothry business says, intirely a commercial an' industhreel nation, ifhe has th' Sicrety iv th' Threasury with him, I'll give thim two f'rtwinty-five cints, which is th' standard iv value among civilizednations th' wurruld over. Prisidint iv th' United States, says ye? Well,I'm prisidint iv this liquor store, fr'm th' pitcher iv th' Chicago fireabove th' wash-stand in th' back room to th' dure-step. Beyond thatbelongs to th' polisman on th' bate. An Amurrican's home, as wan iv th'potes says, is his castle till th' morgedge falls due. An' divvle a futwill I put out iv this dure to see e'er a prisidint, prince, orpotentate, fr'm th' czar iv Rooshia to th' king iv Chiny. There'sPrisidint Mack at th' Audjiotoroom, an' here's Prisidint Dooley atnine-double-naught-nine, an' th' len'th iv th' sthreet between thim.Says he, 'Come over to th' hotel an' see me.' Says I, 'If ye findye'ersilf thrun fr'm a ca-ar in me neighborhood, dhrop in.' An' there year-re.

  "I may niver see him. I may go to me grave without gettin' an' eye onth' wan man besides mesilf that don't know what th' furrin' policy ivth' United States is goin' to be. An he, poor man, whin some wan astshim, 'Did ye iver meet Dooley:' 'll have to say, 'No, I had th' chanstwanst, but me ac-cursed pride kept me from visitin' him.'

  "I r-read his speeches, though, an' know what he's doin.' Some iv thimar-re gr-reat. He attinded th' banket given be th' Prospurity Brigade atth' hotel where he's stoppin'. 'Twas a magnificent assimblage iv th'laborin' classes, costin' fifteen dollars a plate, an' on'y disturbedwhin a well-to-do gintleman in th' dhry-goods business had to be thrunout f'r takin' a kick at a waiter. I r-read be th' papers that whin Mackcome in he was rayceived be th' gatherin' with shouts iv approval. Th'proceedin's was opened with a prayer that Providence might r-remainundher th' protection iv th' administhration. Th' Sicrety iv th'Treasury followed with a gran' speech, highly commindin' th' action ivth' threasury department durin' th' late war; 'but,' says he, 'Icannot,' he says, 'so far forget mesilf,' he says, 'as not to mintion,'he says, 'that,' he says, 'if it hadn't been f'r the sublimepathreetism an' courage,' he says, 'iv th' gintleman whom we honor,' hesays, 'in puttin' me on th' foorce,' he says, 'I might not be hereto-night,' he says.

  "Th' Sicrety iv th' Threasury was followed be th' Gin'ral Shafter.'Gintlemen,' says he, 'it gives me,' he says, 'gr-reat pleasure,' hesays, 'to be prisint in th' mist iv so manny an' so various vittles,' hesays. 'Iv coorse,' he says, 'I re-elize me own gr-reat worth,' he says;'but,' he says, 'I wud have to be more thin human,' he says, 'tooverlook th' debt iv gratichood,' he says, 'th' counthry owes,' he says,'to th' man whose foresight, wisdom, an' prudence brought me for-ard atsuch an opparchune time,' he says. 'Gintlemen,' he says, 'onless ye havelived in th' buckboard f'r months on th' parched deserts iv Cubia,' hesays, 'ye little know what a pleasure it is,' he says, 'to dhrink,' hesays, 'to th' author iv our bein' here,' he says. An' Gin-ral Miles wintout an' punched th' bell-boy. Mack r-rose up in a perfect hurcane ivapplause, an' says he, 'Gintlemen,' he says, 'an' fellow-heroes,' hesays, 'ye do me too much honor;' he says. 'I alone shud not have th'credit iv this gloryous victhry. They ar-re others.' [A voice:'Shafter.' Another voice: 'Gage.' Another voice: 'Dooley.'] 'But I passto a more conganial line iv thought,' he says. 'We have just emergedfr'm a turrible war,' he says. 'Again,' he says, 'we ar-re a unitedunion,' he says. 'No north,' he says, 'no south, no east,' he says, 'nowest. No north east a point east,' he says. 'Th' inimies iv our counthryhas been cr-rushed,' he says, 'or is stuck down in Floridy with hisrig'mint talkin',' he says, 'his hellish docthrines to th' allygatars,'he says. 'Th'
nation is wanst more at peace undher th' gran' gooldstandard,' he says. 'Now,' he says, 'th' question is what shall we dowith th' fruits iv victhry?' he says. [A voice, 'Can thim.'] 'Our dutyto civilization commands us to be up an' doin',' he says. 'We ar-rebound,' he says, 'to--to re-elize our destiny, whativer it may be,' hesays. 'We can not tur-rn back,' he says, 'th hands iv th' clock that,even as I speak, he says, 'is r-rushin' through th' hear-rts iv men,' hesays, 'dashin' its spray against th' star iv liberty an' hope, an' nonorth, no south, no east, no west, but a steady purpose to do th' bestwe can, considerin' all th' circumstances iv the case.' he says. 'I hopeI have made th' matther clear to ye,' he says, 'an', with these fewremarks,' he says, 'I will tur-rn th' job over to destiny,' he says,'which is sure to lead us iver on an' on, an' back an' forth, a unitedan' happy people, livin',' he says, 'undher an administhration that,thanks to our worthy Prisidint an' his cap-ble an' earnest advisers, issecond to none,' he says."

  "What do you think ought to be done with th' fruits iv victhry?" Mr.Hennessy asked.

  "Well," said Mr. Dooley, "if 'twas up to me, I'd eat what was r-ripe an'give what wasn't r-ripe to me inimy. An' I guess that's what Mackmeans."

  ON THE HERO IN POLITICS.

  "'Tis as much as a man's life is worth these days," said Mr. Dooley, "tohave a vote. Look here," he continued, diving under the bar andproducing a roll of paper.

  "Here's th' pitchers iv candydates I pulled down fr'm th' windy, an'jus' knowin' they're here makes me that nervous f'r th' contints iv th'cash dhrawer I'm afraid to tur-rn me back f'r a minyit. I'm goin' tothrow thim out in th' back yard.

  "All heroes, too, Hinnissy. They'se Mike O'Toole, th' hero iv Sandago,that near lost his life be dhrink on his way to th' arm'ry, an' had tobe sint home without lavin' th' city. There's Turror Teddy Mangan, th'night man at Flaher-ty's, that loaded th' men that loaded th' guns thatkilt th' mules at Matoonzas. There's Hero O'Brien, that wud've inlistedif he hadn't been too old, an' th' contractin' business in such goodshape. There's Bill Cory, that come near losin' his life at acinematograph iv th' battle iv Manila. They're all here, bedad, r-readyto sarve their country to th' bitter end, an' to r-rush, voucher inhand, to th' city threasurer's office at a minyit's notice.

  "I wint to a hero meetin' th' other night, Hinnissy, an' that's sthrangef'r me. Whin a man gets to be my age, he laves th' shoutin' f'r th'youth iv th' land, onless he has a pol-itical job. I niver had a job butwanst. That was whin I was precin't cap'n; an' a good wan I was, too.None betther. I'd been on th' cinthral comity to-day, but f'r me losin'ambition whin they r-run a man be th' name iv Eckstein f'r aldherman. Iwas sayin', Hinnissy, whin a man gets to be my age, he ducks pol-iticalmeetin's, an' r-reads th' papers an' weighs th' ividence an' th'argymints,--pro-argymints an' con-argymints,--an' makes up his mindca'mly, an' votes th' Dimmycratic ticket. But young Dorsey he med me gowith him to th' hero's meetin' in Finucane's hall.

  "Well, sir, there was O'Toole an' all th' rest on th' platform inunyform, with flags over thim, an' the bands playin' 'They'll be a hottime in th' ol' town to-night again'; an' th' chairman was Plunkett. Yeknow Plunkett: a good man if they was no gr-rand juries. He was makin' aspeech. 'Whin th' battle r-raged,' he says, 'an' th' bullets fr'm th'haughty Spanyards' raypeatin' Mouser r-rifles,' he says, 'where wasCassidy?' he says. 'In his saloon,' says I, 'in I'mrald Av'noo,' says I.'Thrue f'r ye,' says Plunkett. 'An' where,' he says, 'was ourcandydate?' he says. 'In somebody else's saloon,' says I. 'No,' says he.'Whin th' Prisidint,' he says, 'called th' nation to ar-rms,' he says,'an' Congress voted fifty million good bucks f'r th' naytional definse,'he says, 'Thomas Francis Dorgan,' he says, 'in that minyit iv naytionalpearl,' says he, 'left his good job in the pipe-yard,' he says, 'an'wint down to th' raycruitin' office, an' says, "How manny calls f'rvolunteers is out?" he says. "Wan," says th' officer. "Put me down,"says Dorgan, "f'r th' tenth call," he says. This, gintlemen iv th'foorth precin't,' he says, 'is Thomas Francis Dorgan, a man who, ifilicted,' he says, 'victhry'll perch,' he says, 'upon our banners,' hesays; 'an',' he says, 'th' naytional honor will be maintained,' he says,'in th' county boord,' he says.

  "I wint out to take th' air, an' I met me frind Clohessy, th' littletailor fr'm Halsted Sthreet. Him an' me had a shell iv beer together atth' German's; an' says I, 'What d'ye think iv th' heroes?' I says.'Well,' says he, 'I make no doubt 'twas brave iv Dorgan,' he says, 'f'rto put his name in f'r th' tenth call,' he says; 'but,' he says, 'Idon't like Plunkett, an' it seems to me a man'd have to be a hell iv asthrong man, even if he was a hero, to be Plunkett's man, an' keep hishands out iv ye'er pockets,' he says. 'I'm with Clancy's candydate,' hesays. 'He niver offered to enlist for th' war,' he says, 'but 'twasClancy put Terence on th' polis foorce an' got th' school f'r Aggie,' hesays.

  "That's the way I feel," said Mr. Hennessy. "I wudden't thrust Plunkettas far as I cud throw a cow be th' tail. If Dorgan was Clancy's warhero, I'd be with him."

  "Annyhow," said Mr. Dooley, "mighty few iv th' rale heroes iv th' war isr-runnin' f'r office. Most iv thim put on their blue overalls whin theywas mustered out an' wint up an' ast f'r their ol' jobs back--an'sometimes got thim. Ye can see as manny as tin iv thim at therollin'-mills defindin' th' nation's honor with wheelbahr's an' a slagshovel."

  MR. DOOLEY IN PEACE

  ON NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS.

  Mr. Hennessy looked out at the rain dripping down in Archey Road, andsighed, "A-ha, 'tis a bad spell iv weather we're havin'."

  "Faith, it is," said Mr. Dooley, "or else we mind it more thin we did. Ican't remimber wan day fr'm another. Whin I was young, I niver thoughtiv rain or snow, cold or heat. But now th' heat stings an' th' coldwrenches me bones; an', if I go out in th' rain with less on me thin aton iv rubber, I'll pay dear f'r it in achin' j'ints, so I will. That'swhat old age means; an' now another year has been put on to what we hadbefure, an' we're expected to be gay. 'Ring out th' old,' says a guy atth' Brothers' School. 'Ring out th' old, ring in th' new,' he says.'Ring out th' false, ring in th' thrue,' says he. It's a prettysintimint, Hinnissy; but how ar-re we goin' to do it? Nawthin'd pleaseme betther thin to turn me back on th' wicked an' ingloryous past,rayform me life, an' live at peace with th' wurruld to th' end iv medays. But how th' divvle can I do it? As th' fellow says, 'Can th'leopard change his spots,' or can't he?

  "You know Dorsey, iv coorse, th' cross-eyed May-o man that come to thiscounthry about wan day in advance iv a warrant f'r sheep-stealin'? Yeknow what he done to me, tellin' people I was caught in me cellarpoorin' wather into a bar'l? Well, last night says I to mesilf, thinkin'iv Dorsey, I says: 'I swear that henceforth I'll keep me temper with mefellow-men. I'll not let anger or jealousy get th' betther iv me,' Isays. 'I'll lave off all me old feuds; an' if I meet me inimy goin' downth' sthreet, I'll go up an' shake him be th' hand, if I'm sure he hasn'ta brick in th' other hand.' Oh, I was mighty compliminthry to mesilf. Iset be th' stove dhrinkin' hot wans, an' ivry wan I dhrunk made me moreiv a pote. 'Tis th' way with th' stuff. Whin I'm in dhrink, I have mannya fine thought; an', if I wasn't too comfortable to go an' look f'r th'ink-bottle, I cud write pomes that'd make Shakespeare an' Mike Scanlanthink they were wurrkin' on a dredge. 'Why,' says I, 'carry into th' newyear th' hathreds iv th' old?' I says. 'Let th' dead past bury itsdead,' says I. 'Tur-rn ye'er lamps up to th' blue sky,' I says. (It wasrainin' like th' divvle, an' th' hour was midnight; but I give no heedto that, bein' comfortable with th' hot wans.) An' I wint to th' dure,an', whin Mike Duffy come by on number wan hundherd an' five, ringin'th' gong iv th' ca-ar, I hollered to him: 'Ring out th' old, ring in th'new.' 'Go back into ye'er stall,' he says, 'an' wring ye'ersilf out,' hesays. 'Ye'er wet through,' he says.

  "Whin I woke up this mornin', th' pothry had all disappeared, an' Ibegun to think th' las' hot wan I took had somethin' wrong with it.Besides, th' lumbago was grippin' me till I cud hardly put wan footbefure th' other. But I remimbered me promises to mesilf, an' I wint outon th' sthreet, intindin' to wish ivry wan a 'Happy New Year,' an'hopin' in me hear-rt that th' first
wan I wished it to'd tell me to goto th' divvle, so I cud hit him in th' eye. I hadn't gone half a blockbefore I spied Dorsey acrost th' sthreet. I picked up a half a brick an'put it in me pocket, an' Dorsey done th' same. Thin we wint up to eachother. 'A Happy New Year,' says I. 'Th' same to you,' says he, 'an'manny iv thim,' he says. 'Ye have a brick in ye'er hand,' says I. 'I wasthinkin' iv givin' ye a New Year's gift,' says he. 'Th' same to you, an'manny iv thim,' says I, fondlin' me own ammunition. ''Tis even allaround,' says he. 'It is,' says I. 'I was thinkin' las' night I'd giveup me gredge again ye,' says he. 'I had th' same thought mesilf,' saysI. 'But, since I seen ye'er face,' he says, 'I've con-cluded that I'd bemore comfortable hatin' ye thin havin' ye f'r a frind,' says he. 'Ye'rea man iv taste,' says I. An' we backed away fr'm each other. He's a Tip,an' can throw a stone like a rifleman; an', Hinnissy, I'm somethin' ivan amachoor shot with a half-brick mesilf.