Mr. Dooley Says Read online

  VACATIONS

  "Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "I raaly don't know whether I'm glad orsorry to get back. It seems a little sthrange to be here again in theturmoil iv life in a large city, but thin, again, 'tis pleasant to seeth' familyar faces wanst more. Has annything happened since I wint awayon me vacation? Did ye miss me? Am I much sunburnt?"

  "What ar-re ye talkin' about?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "I see ye on'y lastnight."

  "Ye did not," said Mr. Dooley. "Ye may have seen me undherstudy, but yedidn't see me. Where was I? It depinds on what time iv night it was. Ifit was eight o'clock, I was croosin' in Pierpont Morgan's yacht off th'coast iv Labrador. We were both iv us settin' up on th' front stoop ivth' boat. I had just won thirty millyon dollars fr'm him throwin' dice,an' he remarked to me 'I bet it's hot in Chicago.' But about eightthirty, th' wind, which had been blowin' acrost th' brick-yard, changedinto th' northeast an' I moved back to Newpoort."

  "Ar-re ye crazy fr'm th' heat?" Mr. Hennessy asked.

  "Divvle th' bit," said Mr. Dooley, "but long ago I made up me mind notto be th' slave iv me vacation. I don't take a vacation whin a vacationcomes around an' knocks at th' dure an' dhrags me out to a summerresort. If I did I'd wait a long time. I take it whiniver I feel likeit. Whiniver I have a moment to spare, whin ye're talkin' or business isslack fr'm anny other reason, I throw a comb an' brush into a gripsackan' hurry away to th' mountain or th' seashore. While ye think ye'retalkin' to me, at that very minyit I may be floatin' on me back in th'Atlantic ocean or climbin' a mountain in Switzerland, yodellin' tomesilf.

  "Most iv me frinds take their vacations long afther they are overdue.That's because they don't know how to take thim. They depind onrailroads an' steamers an' what th' boss has to say about it. Longafther th' vacation will do thim no good, about th' fifteenth iv August,they tear off for th' beauties iv nature. Nachrally they can't tear offvery far or they wudden't hear th' whistle whin it blew to call thimback. F'r a week or two they spind their avenin's larnin' th' profissyoniv baggageman, atin' off thrunks be day an sleepin' on thim be night.Evenchooly th' time comes f'r thim to lave th' sthrife an' throuble ivth' city that they're used to f'r th' sthrife an' throuble iv th'counthry that they don't know how to handle. They catch th' two two f'rMudville-be-th'-Cannery, or they are just about to catch it whin theyremimber that they left their tickets, money an' little Abigail Annbehind thim, an' they catch th' six forty-five which doesn't stop atMudville excipt on Choosdahs an' Fridahs in Lent, an' thin on'y onsignal. Fin'lly they're off. Th' dust an' worry iv th' city with itssprinkled pavements an' its glowin' theaytres is left behind. Th' coolcounthry air blows into th' car laden with th' rich perfume iv daintyfood with which th' fireman is plyin' his ir'n horse. Th' thrain stopsoccasion'lly. In fact ye might betther say that occasion'lly it don'tstop. A thrain that is goin' to anny iv th' penal colonies where mostmen spind their vacations will stop at more places thin a boy on anerrand. Whiniver it sees a human habitation it will pause an' exchange afew wurruds iv pleasant greetin'. It will stop at annything. It wud stopat nawthin'.

  "In this way ye get a good idee iv th' jography iv ye'er native land. Yemake a ten minyit stay at bustlin' little villages that ye didn't knowwere on th' map, an' ain't on anny map that ye buy. Th' on'y place th'thrain don't stop is at Mudville-be-th'-Cannery. Ye look into th' folderan' see ye'er town marked 'see note b.' Note b says: 'Thrains two tosixteen stop at Mudville on'y whin wrecked.' 'What is th' number ivthis here cannon-ball express?' says ye to th' conductor man. 'Numbertwelve,' says he. 'How am I goin' to get off there?' says ye. 'How do yeusually get off a movin' thrain?' says he. 'Forward or backward?' sayshe. 'If ye'll go ahead to th' postal car an' get into a mail bag th'clerk may hang ye on th' hook as we pass. He's a good shot. He madethree out iv tin last week,' he says.

  "But in due time ye reach ye'er destynation an' onpack ye'er thrunks an'come home again. A frind iv mine, a prom'nent railroad officyal whocalls th' thrains at th' Union deepo, tells me he's cured his wife ivwantin' to go on a vacation. Whiniver he sees her readin' advertisementsiv th' summer resorts he knows that th' fit is coming on, an' befure shegets to th' stage iv buyin' a cure f'r freckles he takes her down toth' deepo an' shows her th' people goin' on their vacations an' comin'back. Thin he gives her a boat ride in th' park, takes her to th'theaytre, an' th' next mornin' she wakes up with hardly anny sign ivher indisposition.

  "But th' kind iv vacation I take does ye some good. It is well within memeans. In fact it sildom costs me annything but now an' thin th' thradeiv a customer that I give a bottle iv pop to whin he ast f'r a gin sour,not knowin' that at th' minyit I was whilin' me time away in th' Greekislands or climbin' Mount Vesoovyous. I don't have to carry annybaggage. I don't pay anny railroad fares. I'm not bothered be mosquitoesor rain. In fact, it's on rainy days that I thravel most. I'm away mostiv th' time. I suppose me business suffers. But what care I?

  "In th' autumn I am pretty apt to be shootin' in th' Rocky Mountains. Inth' winter I am liable to go to Florida or to th' West Indies or toMonty Carlo. I'm th' on'y American citizen that iver beat Monty Carlo. Iplugged away at number siventeen an' it came up eighty-two timesrunnin'. 'Tis thrue I squandhered th' money on th' fickle Countess deBrie, but aisy came aisy go. Me disappointment was soon f'rgotten amongth' gayeties iv Algeers. I often go up th' Nile because it's handy toth' Ar-rchey Road. I can get back befure bedtime. In summer I may go toNewpoort, although it ain't th' place it was whin I first wint there. Itwas simple thin. People laughed at Clarence Von Steenevant because hewore a hat encrusted in dimons instead iv th' rough-an'-ready gooldbonnet that ye grabbed fr'm th' rubbish iv old pearl necklaces an'marredge certyficates on th' hall table whin ye wint out to play tennis.It has changed since. But there are still a few riprisintatives iv th'older memberships iv th' stock exchange who cannot lave th' familyarscenes, an' I like to dhrop in on these pathricyans an' gossip iv daysthat ar-re no more. Faith, there's hardly a place that I don't spind mesummers. If I don't like a place I can move. I sail me yacht intosthrange harbors. I take me private car wheriver I want to go. I huntan' I fish. Last year I wint to Canada an' fished f'r salmon. I made agr-reat catch--near thirty cans. An' whin I'm tired I can go to bed. An'it is a bed, not a rough sketch iv a brick-yard.

  "Well, well, what places I have seen. An' I always see thim at theirbest. Th' on'y way to see anny place at its best is niver to go there.No place can be thruly injyeable whin ye have to take ye'ersilf alongan' pay rent f'r him whin ye get there. An' wan iv th' gr-reat comfortsiv my kind iv a vacation is that I always knows what's goin' on at home.Whin Hogan goes on his kind iv vacation th' newspa-aper he gets wasprinted just afther th' third inning iv th' baseball game th' day befureyisterdah. Th' result is that whin Hogan comes home he don't know what'shappened. He doesn't know who's been murdhered or whether Chicago orPittsburg is at th' head iv th' league.

  "An' summer is th' best time iv th' year f'r news. Th' heat an' sthrongdhrink brings out pleasant peculyarities in people. They do things thatmake readin' matther. They show signs iv janus. Ivrything in th' pa-aperinthrests me. Here's th' inside news iv a cillybrated murdher thrileblossomin' out in th' heat. Here's a cillybrated lawyer goin' to th'cillybrated murdherer an' demandin' an increase in th' honoraryum iv hiscillybrated collague. Lawyers don't take money. What they get f'r theirpublic sarvices in deludin' a jury is th' same as an offerin' in achurch. Ye don't give it thim openly. Ye sind thim a bunch iv sweet peaswith the money in it. This here larned counsel got wan honoraryum. Butwhin things begun to took tough f'r his protegee he suggested anotherhonoraryum. Honoraryum is fr'm th' Latin wurruds honor an' aryum,mainin' I need th' money.

  "Yes, sir, ye can't injye a vacation without th' pa-apers. How glad I amto know that Congress has adjourned afther rejoocin' th' tariff to alevel where th' poorest are within its reach. An' how cud I be happyaway fr'm here if I didn't know how me frind Willum Taft was gettin' onat goluf. Iv coorse I'm inthrested in all that goes on at th' summercapitol. I am glad to know that Charles played
tennis fr'm ten to ilivenan' aftherward took a throlley car ride to Lynn, where he bought a pairiv shoes an' a piece iv blueberry pie, but at two o'clock had entirelyrecovered. But th' rale inthrest is in th' prisidint's goluf. Mefav'rite journal prints exthries about it. 'Specyal exthry; six thirty.Horrible rumor. Prisidint Taft repoorted stymied.' He's th' best golufplayer we've iver had as prisidint. He cud give Abra'm Lincoln a shtrokea stick. He bate th' champeen iv the' wurruld last week be a scoore ivwan hundhred an' eighty-two to siventy-six. He did so.

  "Here's a column about yisterdah's game. 'A large crowd assimbled to seeth' match. Prisidint appeared ca'm an' collected. He wore his clubunyform, gray pants, black leather belt, an' blue shirt. His opponent,th' sicrety iv war, was visibly narvous. Th' prisident was first offth' tee with an excellent three while his opponent was almost hopelesslybunkered in a camera. But he made a gallant recovery with a vaccuumcleaner an' was aven with th' prisidint in four. Th' prisidint wasslightly to th' left in th' long grass on his fifth, but, nawthin'daunted, he took a hoe an' was well out in siven. Both players were inth' first bunker in eight, th' sicrety iv war havin' flubbed his sixthan' bein' punished f'r overdarin' on th' siventh. Th' prisidint wasfirst out iv th' bunker at a quarther past two, his opponent followin'at exactly three sixteen. Th' prisidint was within hailin' distance ivhome on his sixteenth shot, while his opponent had played eighteen. Butth' pace had been too swift an' it was merely a question iv which wud beth' first to crack. That misfortune fell to th' lot iv th' sicrety ivwar. Findin' himsilf in a bad lie, he undhertook to use a brassy in aspirit iv nawthin' venture nawthin' gain. It was raaly a brillyant shot.A foot nearer th' ball an' he might have accomplished a feat ingolufing histhry. But th' luck iv war was against him an' he sthruckhimsilf upon th' ankle. Th' prisidint, resolvin' to give him no mercy,took his dhriver an' made a sterling carry to within thirty yards iv th'green. There was now nawthin' to it. Continuin' to play with great dash,but always prudently, he had a sure putt iv not more thin forty feet tobate th' records f'r prisidints f'r this hole, a record that wasestablished be th' prisident iv th' Women's Christyan Timp'rance Unionin nineteen hundhred an' three. His opponent cried 'I give it to ye,'an' th' prisidint was down in a brillyant twinty two. His opponent wasobliged to contint himsilf with a more modest but still sound an'meritoryous thirty-eight (estimated).

  "An' there ye ar-re. I'm ivrywhere, but I can always keep in touch withwhat's goin' on."

  "What kind iv a game is goluf?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "Why do they call itrile an' ancient?"

  "I don't know," said Mr. Dooley, "onless it is because th' prisidint ivth' United States has just took it up."