Mr. Dooley Says Read online

  THE JAPANESE SCARE

  "Did ye go to see th' Japs whin they were here?" asked Mr. Dooley.

  "I did not," said Mr. Hennessy.

  "Nor I," said Mr. Dooley. "I was afraid to. They're a divvle iv asinsitive people thim Japs. Look cross-eyed at thim an' they're intoye'er hair. I stayed away fr'm th' stock yards whin me frind Gin'ralArmour was showin' Gin'ral Kroky some rale slaughter. I didn't dare togo down there f'r fear I'd involve this fair land iv ours in war.Supposin' th' haughty little fellow was to see me grinnin' at him. Asmile don't seem th' same thing to an Oryental that it is to usCowcassians. He might think I was insultin' him. 'Look at that fellowmakin' faces at me,' says he. 'He ain't makin' faces at ye,' says th'Mayor. 'That's th' way he always looks.' 'Thin he must have his facechanged,' says Kroky. 'If he don't I'll appeal to th' Mickydoo an' he'lldivastate this boasted raypublic iv ye'ers,' he says, 'fr'm sea to sea,'he says.

  "Well, what's to be done about it? I can't change me face an' there's nolegal way iv removin' it. Th' Prisidint writes to th' Gov'nor, th'Gov'nor requests th' Sheriff, th' Sheriff speaks to th' Mayor, th' Mayordesires th' Chief iv Polis, th' Chief iv Polis ordhers th' polisman onth' beat, an' th' polisman on th' beat commands me to take me alarmin'visage out iv th' public view. Suppose I go down to see me counsel,Barrister Hogan. He tells me that undher th' rights guaranteed to me beth' Constitution, which Gawd defind an' help in these here days, an' meliquor license, I'm entitled to stick me tongue in me cheek, wink, rollup me nose, wiggle me hands fr'm me ears, bite me thumb, or say 'Pooh'to any black-an'-tan I meet.

  "Thin what happens? Th' first thing I know a shell loaded with dynnymitedhrops into th' lap iv some frind iv mine in San Francisco; a party ivJap'nese land in Boston an' scalp th' wigs off th' descindants iv JohnHancock an' Sam Adams; an' Tiddy Rosenfelt is discovered undher a bedwith a small language book thryin' to larn to say 'Spare me' in th'Jap'nese tongue. And me name goes bouncin' down to histhry as a man thatbrought roon to his counthry, an' two hundherd years fr'm now littlechilder atin' their milk with chop sticks in Kenosha, Wisconsin, willcurse me f'r me wickedness instead iv blessin' th' mimry iv a man thatdone so much to keep their fathers fr'm hurryin' home at night. So Istayed away. F'r a moment th' peril is over.

  "But it won't be f'r long. Ivry mornin' I pick up me pa-aper with fearan' thremblin'. War with Japan is immynint. 'Tokyo, June five--Th' wholenation is wild with excitement over th' misthreatment iv a Jap'nese inLos Angeles, an' unless an apology is forthcomin' it will be difficultf'r th' Governmint to prevint th' navy fr'm shootin' a few things atye. Th' people iv America shud know that they ar-re at th' brink iv war.A corryspondint iv th' _Daily Saky_, who wurruks in an old porcylainfacthry in Maine, writes that this famous subjick iv th' Mickydoo, whosename has escaped him but who had a good job in a livery stable in Tokyobefure he was sint on a mission to th' American people to see what hecud get, wint into an all night resthrant an' demanded his threatyrights, which ar-re that th' waiter was to tuck his napkin into hiscollar an' th' bartinder must play "Nippon th' gloryous" on a mouthorgan. Onforchinitely th' proprietor iv th' place, a man be th' name ivScully, got hold iv a copy iv th' threaty with Sweden with th' sadresult that he give th' subjick iv th' Mickydoo th' wrong threatyrights. He hit him over th' head with a bung starter. There is somerelief in th' situation to-night based on th' repoort that th' Prisidinthas sint an apology an' has ordhered out th' army to subjoo Scully.

  "'The Impror held a meetin' iv th' Elder Statesmen to-night to discusssindin' a fleet to San Francisco to punish th' neglect iv threaty rightsiv th' Japanese be a sthreet car conductor who wudden't let a subjick ivth' Mickydoo ride on th' Thirty-first Sthreet line with an Ogden Avnoothransfer dated August eighteen hundherd an' siventy-two.' 'Th'Prisidint has ordhered th' arrest an' imprisonmint iv a dentist inAlbany who hurt a Jap'nese whose tooth he was fillin'. He has raquistedth' Mickydoo to give us another chance befure layin' waste our land.''Followin' th' advice iv th' Jap'nese ambassadure f'r poor young Japs tomarry rich American girls, a Jap'nese combynation theelogical studentan' cook applied f'r th' hand iv th' daughter iv th' boordin'-housekeeper where he was employed. He was able to limp to th' Jap'neseConsul's house, where he made a complaint to th' Impror, who was an oldfrind iv his father. Th' Prisidint has ordhered th' lady to marry th'Chink.' 'Th' Hoop-la Theatre was closed last night on complaint iv th'Jap'nese ambassadure that th' Fluff Opry Comp'ny was givin' ariprisintation iv Jap'nese charackter in pink robes instead iv th'seemly black derby hats, a size too large, Prince Albert coats,pear-colored pants, button shoes, sthring neckties, an' spectacles whichis th' well-known unyform iv th' gloryous race. As token iv their griefth' Cab'net waited on th' Jap'nese embassy at dinner to-night an'Admiral Bob Evans has been ordhered to sink th' battle ship _Louisyanny_an' carry Gin'ral Kroky's hat box to th' deepo.'

  "An' so it goes. I'm in a state iv alarum all th' time. In th' good olddays we wudden't have thought life was worth livin' if we cudden'tinsult a foreigner. That's what they were f'r. Whin I was sthrong,befure old age deprived me iv most iv me pathritism an' other infantiledisordhers, I niver saw a Swede, a Hun, an Eyetalian, a Boohlgaryan, aGerman, a Fr-rinchman, that I didn't give him th' shouldher. If 'twas anEnglishman I give him th' foot too. Threaty rights, says ye? We givehim th' same threaty rights he'd give us, a dhrink an' a whack on th'head. It seemed proper to us. If 'twas right to belong to wannaytionality, 'twas wrong to belong to another. If 'twas a man's proudboast to be an American, it was a disgrace to be a German an' a joke tobe a Fr-rinchman.

  "An' that goes now. Ye can bump anny foreigner ye meet but a Jap. Don'ttouch him. He's a live wire. Don't think ye can pull his impeeryal hatdown on his bold upcurved nose. Th' first thing ye know ye'll be whatHogan calls Casey's Bellows, an' manny a peaceful village in Indyanny'llbe desthroyed f'r ye'er folly. Why, be Hivens, it won't be long tillwe'll have to be threatin' th' Chinese dacint. Think iv that will ye. Ir-read in th' pa-aper th' other day that th' Chinese ar-rmy had beenreorganized an' rearmed. Hincefoorth, instead iv th' old fashionedpetticoats they will wear th' more war-like short skirt. Th' palm leafshave been cast aside f'r modhren quick-firin' fans, an' a complete newassortment iv gongs, bows an' arrows, stink-pots, an' charms against th'evil eye has been ordhered fr'm a well-known German firm. Be careful th'next time ye think iv kickin' an empty ash-barl down yefer frind LipHung's laundhry.

  "It's hard f'r me to think iv th' Japs this way. But 'tis th' part ivprudence. A few years ago I didn't think anny more about a Jap thinabont anny other man that'd been kept in th' oven too long. They wereall alike to me. But to-day, whiniver I see wan I turn pale an' take offme hat an' make a low bow. A few years ago an' I'd bet I was good f'r adozen iv thim. But I didn't know how tur-rible a people they are. Theirships are th' best in th' wurruld. We think we've got good ships. Th'Lord knows I'm told they cost us enough, though I don't remimber iverpayin' a cent f'r wan. But a Jap'nese rowboat cud knock to pieces th'whole Atlantic squadron. It cud so. They're marvellous sailors. Theyuse guns that shoot around th' corner. They fire these here injines ivdesthruction with a mysteeryous powdher made iv a substance on'y knownto thim. It is called saltpether. These guns hurl projyctiles weighin'eighty tons two thousand miles. On land they ar-re even more tur-rible.A Jap'nese sojer can march three hundhred miles a day an' subsist on asmall piece iv chewin' gum. Their ar-rmy have arrived at such aperfection at th' diffycult manoover known as th' goose step that theyhave made this awful insthrument iv carnage th' terror iv th' armies ivEurope. As cav'lrymen they ar-re unexcelled. There is on'y wan horse inJapan, but ivry Japanese sojer has larned to ride him. To see wan ivtheir magnificent cav'lry rijments goin' into action mounted on Joko isa sight long to be raymimbered. Above all, th' Jap'nese is most to befeared because iv his love iv home an' his almost akel love iv death. Heis so happy in Japan that we wud rather die somewhere's else. Mostsojers don't like to be kilt. A Jap'nese sojer prefers it. It was hardto convince th' nation that they hadn't lost th' war with Rooshyabecause not
so many Rooshyans had been kilt as Japs. Faith we ought tobe scared iv thim. I niver see wan without wondhrin' whether me cellaris bomb-proof.

  "An' I sigh f'r th' good old days befure we become what Hogan calls awurruld power. In thim days our fav'rite spoort was playin' solytare,winnin' money fr'm each other, an' no wan th' worse off. Ivry-body wasinvious iv us. We didn't care f'r th' big game goin' on in th' corner.Whin it broke up in a row we said: 'Gintlemen, gintlemen!' an' maybewint over an' grabbed somebody's stake. But we cudden't stand it annylonger. We had to give up our simple little game iv patience an' cutinto th' other deal. An' now, be Hivens, we have no peace iv mind. Wanhand we have wan partner; another hand he's again us. This minyit th'Jap an' me ar-re playin' together an' I'm tellin' him what a fine leadthat was; th' next an' he's again me an' askin' me kindly not to lookat his hand. There ar-re no frinds at cards or wurruld pollyticks. Th'deal changes an' what started as a frindly game iv rob ye'er neighborwinds up with an old ally catchin' me pullin' an ace out iv me boot an'denouncin' me."

  "Sure thim little fellows wud niver tackle us," said Mr. Hennessy. "Th'likes iv thim!"

  "Well," said Mr. Dooley, "'tis because they ar-re little ye've got to bepolite to thim. A big man knows he don't have to fight, but whin a manis little an' knows he's, little an' is thinkin' all th' time he'slittle an' feels that ivrybody else is thinkin' he's little, look outf'r him."