Mr. Dooley Says Page 14

  THE TARIFF

  "Well, sir, 'tis a gr-r-rand wurruk thim Sinitors an' Congressmen aredoin' in Wash'n'ton. Me heart bleeds fr th' poor fellows, steamin' awayundher th' majestic tin dome iv th' capitol thryin' to rejooce th'tariff to a weight where it can stand on th' same platform with me frindbig Bill without endangerin' his life. Th' likes iv ye wud want to seeth' tariff rejooced with a jack plane or an ice pick. But th' tariff hasbeen a good frind to some iv thim boys an' it's a frind iv frinds ivsome iv th' others an' they don't intend to be rough with it. A littlegentle massage to rejooce th' most prom'nent prochooberances is all thatis nicissry. Whiniver they rub too hard an' th' tariff begins to groan,Sinitor Aldhrich says: 'Go a little asier there, boys. He's very tenderin some iv thim schedules. P'raps we'd betther stop f'r th' day an' givehim a little nourishment to build him up,' he says. An' th' last I heerdabout it, th' tariff was far fr'm bein' th' wan an' emacyated cratherye'd like to see comin' out iv th' Sinit chamber. It won't have to behelped onto ye'er back an' ye won't notice anny reduction in its weight.No, sir, I shudden't be surprised if it was heartier thin iver.

  "Me congressman sint me a copy iv th' tariff bill th' other day. He's afine fellow, that congressman iv mine. He looks afther me inthrestswell. He knows what a gr-reat reader I am. I don't care what I read. Sohe sint me a copy iv th' tariff bill an' I've been studyin' it f'r aweek. 'Tis a good piece iv summer lithrachoor. 'Tis full iv action an'romance. I haven't read annythink to akel it since I used to get th'Dead-wood Dick series.

  "I'm in favor iv havin' it read on th' Foorth iv July instead iv th'declaration iv indypindance. It gives ye some idee iv th' kind ivgloryous governmint we're livin' undher, to see our fair Columbiaputtin' her brave young arms out an' defindin' th' products iv our soilfr'm steel rails to porous plasthers, hooks an' eyes, artyficial horsehair an' bone casings, which comes undher th' head iv clothin' an' Isuppose is a polite name f'r pantaloons.

  "Iv coorse, low people like ye, Hinnissy, will kick because it's goin'to cost ye more to indulge ye'er taste in ennervating luxuries. D'yeknow Sinitor Aldhrich? Ye dont? I'm surprised to hear it. He knows ye.Why, he all but mentions ye'er name in two or three places. He does so.'Tis as if he said: 'This here vulgar plutycrat, Hinnissy, is turnin'th' heads iv our young men with his garish display. Befure this,counthries have perished because iv th' ostintation iv th' arrystocracy.We must presarve th' ideels iv American simplicity. We'll show thisvulgar upstart that he can't humilyate his fellow citizens be goin'around dhressed up like an Asyatic fav'rite iv th' Impror Neero, beHivens. How will we get at him?' says he. 'We'll put a tax iv sixty percent. on ready made clothin' costin' less thin ten dollars a suit.That'll teach him to squander money wrung fr'm Jawn D. Rockyfellar inth' Roo dilly Pay. We'll go further thin that. We'll put a tax iv fortyper cent. on knitted undherwear costin' less thin a dollar twinty-five adozen. We'll make a specyal assault on woolen socks an' cowhide shoes.We'll make an example iv this here pampered babe iv fortune,' says he.

  "An' there it is. Ye haven't got a thing on ye'er back excipt ye'erskin--an' that may be there; I haven't got as far as th' hide scheduleyet--that ain't mentioned in this here boolwark iv our liberties. It'sye'er own fault. If ye will persist in wearin' those gee-gaws ye'll haveto pay f'r thim. If ye will go on decoratin' ye'er house with shinglesan' paint an' puttin' paper on th' walls an' adornin' th' inside iv itwith ye'er barbaric taste f'r eight day clocks, cane bottom chairs an'karosene lamps, ye've got to settle, that's all. Ye've flaunted ye'erwealth too long in th' face iv a sturdy people.

  "Ye'd think th' way such as ye talk that ivrything is taxed. It ain'tso. 'Tis an insult to th' pathritism iv Congress to say so. Th'Republican party, with a good deal iv assistance fr'm th' pathrioticDimmycrats, has been thrue to its promises. Look at th' free list, if yedon't believe it. Practically ivrything nicissry to existence comes infree. What, f'r example, says ye? I'll look. Here it is. Curling stones.There, I told ye. Curling stones are free. Ye'll be able to buy allye'll need this summer f'r practically nawthin'. No more will ladiescomin' into this counthry have to conceal curling stones in theirstockin's to avoid th' iniquitous customs.

  "What else? Well, teeth. Here it is in th' bill: 'Teeth free iv jooty.'Undher th' Dingley bill they were heavily taxed. Onless ye cud prove thatthey had cost ye less thin a hundhred dollars, or that ye had worn thimf'r two years in Europe, or that ye were bringin' thim in f'r scientificpurposes or to give a museem, there was an enormous jooty on teeth. Th'Governmint used to sind profissyonal humorists down to th' docks tocatch th' teeth smugglers. But fr'm now on ye can flaunt ye'er teeth inth' face iv anny inspictor. Ye don't have to declare thim. Ye don't haveto put thim in th' bottom iv ye'er thrunk. Ye don't have to have thimchalked or labelled befure ye get off th' dock. Ye don't have to hand afive to th' inspictor an' whisper: 'I've got a few bicuspids that Ipicked up while abroad. Be a good fellow an' let me through.' No, sir,teeth are free.

  "What other nicissities, says ye? Well, there's sea moss. That's a goodthing. Ivry poor man will apprecyate havin' sea moss to stir in his tea.Newspapers, nuts, an' nux vomica ar-re free. Ye can take th' London_Times_ now. But that ain't all by anny means. They've removed th' jootyon Pulu. I didn't think they'd go that far, but in spite iv th'protests iv th' Pulu foundhries iv Sheboygan they ruthlessly sthruck itfr'm th' list iv jootyable articles. Ye know what Pulu is, iv coorse,an' I'm sure ye'll be glad to know that this refreshin' bev'rage or soapis on th' free list. Sinitor Root in behalf iv th' pulu growers iv NewYork objicted, but Sinitor Aldhrich was firm. 'No, sir,' he says, 'wemust not tax annything that enters into th' daily life iv th' poor,' hesays. 'While not a dhrinkin' man mesilf, I am no bigot, an' I wud notdeny anny artisan his scuttle iv pulu,' he says. So pulu was put on th'free list, an' iv coorse Zapper an' Alazarin had to go on, too, as it ison'y be addin' thim to pulu that ye can make axle-grease.

  "There was a gr-reat sthruggle over can-nary bur-rd seed.Riprisintatives iv th' Chicago packers insisted that in time canarybur-rds cud be taught to eat pork chops. Manny sinitors thought that th'next step wud be to take th' duty off cuttle fish bone, an' thus sthrikea blow at th' very heart iv our protictive system. But Sinitor Tillman,who is a gr-reat frind iv th' canary bur-rd an' is niver seen withoutwan perched on his wrist, which he has taught to swear, put up a gallantfight f'r his protegees, an' thousands iv canary bur-rds sang with alighter heart that night. Canary bur-rd seed will be very cheap thisyear, an' anny American wurrukin' man needn't go to bed hungry. Thereought to be some way iv teachin' their wives how to cook it. It wud makea nourishin' dish whin ye have whetted ye'er face on a piece iv cuttlefish bone. I'm sure th' raison American wurrukin' men don't hop aroundan' sing over their wurruk is because they are improperly fed.

  "Yes, sir, canary bur-rd seed is free. What else? Lookin' down th' listI see that divvy-divvy is free also. This was let in as a compliment toSinitor Aldhrich. It's his motto. Be th' inthraduction iv this harmlessdhrug into th' discussion he's been able to get a bill through that'ssatisfacthry to ivrywan. But I am surprised to see that spunk is on th'free list. Is our spunk industhree dead? Is there no pathrite to demandthat we be proticted against th' pauper spunk iv Europe? Maybe me frindWillum Taft had it put on th' free list. I see in a pa-aper th' otherday that what was needed at th' White house was a little more spunk. Butdoes he have to import it fr'm abroad, I ask ye? Isn't there enoughAmerican spunk?

  "Well, sir, there are a few iv th' things that are on th' free list. Butthere are others, mind ye. Here's some iv thim: Apatite, hog bristles,wurruks iv art more thin twinty years old, kelp, marshmallows, lifeboats, silk worm eggs, stilts, skeletons, turtles, an' leeches. Th' newtariff bill puts these familyar commodyties within th' reach iv all. Butthere's a bigger surprise waitin' for ye. What d'ye think ends th' freelist? I'll give ye twinty chances an' ye'll niver guess. Blankets? No.Sugar? Wrong. Flannel shirts? Thry to be a little practical, Hinnissy.Sinitor Aldhrich ain't no majician. Well, I might as well tell ye ifye're sure ye'er heart is sthrong an'
ye can stand a joyful surprise.Ar-re ye ready? Well, thin, joss sticks an' opyum f'r smokin' ar-re onth' free list! If they ain't I'm a Chinyman an' if they are I'll be wanpretty soon.

  "How often have I envied Hop Lung whin I see him burnin' his pricelessjoss sticks. How often have I seen him lyin' on top iv me week's washin'pullin' away at th' savry rooster brand an' dhreamin' he was th' Improriv Chiny, while I've had to contint mesilf with a stogy that give me aheadache! But that day is passed. Me good an' great frind fr'm RhodeIsland has made me th' akel iv anny Chink that iver rolled a pill. Th'tariff bill wudden't be complete without that there item. But it oughtto read: 'Opyum f'r smokin' while readin' th' tariff bill.' Ye can takethis sterlin' piece iv lithrachoor to a bunk with ye an' light a ball ivhop. Befure ye smoke up p'raps ye can't see where th' tariff has beenrejooced. But afther ye've had a long dhraw it all becomes clear to ye.Ye'er worries about th' childhren's shoes disappear an' ye seeye'ersilf floatin' over a purple sea iv alazarin, in ye'er privateyacht, lulled be th' London _Times_, surrounded be wurruks iv art morethin twinty years old, atin' marshmallows an' canary bur-rd seed, whileth' turtles an' leeches frisk on th' binnacle.

  "Well, sir, if nobody else has read th' debates on th' tariff bill, Ihave. An' I'll tell ye, Hinnissy, that no such orathry has been heerd inCongress since Dan'l Webster's day, if thin. Th' walls iv Congress hallhas resounded with th' loftiest sintimints. Hinnery Cabin Lodge inaccents that wud melt th' heart iv th' coldest mannyfacthrer iv buttonshoes has pleaded f'r freedom f'r th' skins iv cows. I'm sorry to saythat this appeal fr'm th' cradle iv our liberties wasn't succissful. Th'hide iv th' pauperized kine iv Europe will have to cough up at th'custom house befure they can be convarted into brogans. This pathrioticresult was secured be th' gallant Bailey iv Texas. A fine lib'ral mindedfellow, that lad Bailey. He's an ardint free thrader, mind ye. He'salmost a slave to th' historic principles iv th' Dimmycratic party. Yebet he is. But he's no blamed bigot. He can have principles an' he canlave thim alone. An' I want to tell ye, me frind, that whin it comes todisthributin' th' honors f'r this reform iv th' tariff, don't ye fail tothrow a few flowers, or, if bricks are handier, bricks at th'riprisintatives iv our small but gallant party. It was a fine thing tosee thim standin' be th' battle cry iv our grand old organyzation.

  "Says th' sinitor fr'm Louisyanny: 'Louisyanny, th' proudest jool in th'dyadim iv our fair land, remains thrue to th' honored teachin's iv ourleaders. Th' protictive tariff is an abomynation. It is crushin' out th'lives iv our people. An' wan iv th' worst parts iv this divvlish injineiv tyranny is th' tariff on lathes. Fellow sinitors, as long,' he says,'as I can stand, as long as nature will sustain me in me protest, whilewan dhrop iv pathriotic blood surges through me heart, I will raise mevoice again a tariff on lathes, onless,' he says, 'this dhreadimplymint iv oppressyon is akelly used,' he says, 'to protict th' blandan' beautiful molasses iv th' State iv me birth,' he says.

  "'I am heartily in sympathy with th' sinitor fr'm Louisyanny,' says th'sinitor fr'm Virginya. 'I loathe th' tariff. Fr'm me arliest days I wasbrought up to look on it with pizenous hathred. At manny a con-vintionye cud hear me whoopin' again it. But if there is such a lot iv thismonsthrous iniquity passin' around, don't Virginya get none? How aboutth' mother iv prisidents? Ain't she goin' to have a grab at annything?Gintlemen, I do not ask, I demand rights f'r me commonwealth. I willtalk here ontil July fourth, nineteen hundhred an' eighty-two, agin th'proposed hellish tax on feather beds onless somethin' is done f'r th'tamarack bark iv old Virginya.'

  "A sinitor: 'What's it used f'r?'

  "Th' sinitor fr'm Virginya: 'I do not quite know. It is ayether a curef'r th' hives or enthers largely into th' mannyfacture iv carpetslippers. But there's a frind iv mine, a lile Virginyan, who makes itan' he needs th' money.'

  "'Th' argymints iv th' sinitor fr'm Virginya are onanswerable,' saysSinitor Aldhrich. 'Wud it be agreeable to me Dimmycratic collague to putboth feather beds an' his what's-ye-call-it in th' same item?'

  "'In such circumstances,' says th' sinitor fr'm Virginya, 'I wud befoorced to waive me almost insane prejudice again th' hellish docthrinesiv th' distinguished sinitor fr'm Rhode Island,' says he.

  "An' so it goes, Hinnissy. Niver a sordid wurrud, mind ye, but ivrythingdone on th' fine old principle iv give an' take."

  "Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "what diff'rence does it make? Th' foreignerpays th' tax, annyhow."

  "He does" said Mr. Dooley, "if he ain't turned back at Castle Garden."