Mr. Dooley Says Read online

  BOOKS

  "Well, sir, if there's wan person in th' wurruld that I really invy 'tisme frind th' ex-Prisidint iv Harvard. What a wondherful thing is youth.Old fellows like ye'ersilf an' me make a bluff about th' advantages ivage. But we know there's nawthin' in it. We have wisdom, but we wudrather have hair. We have expeeryence, but we wud thrade all iv itslessons f'r hope an' teeth.

  "It makes me cross to see mesilf settin' here takin' a post grajatecoorse in our cillybrated univarsity iv th' Wicked Wur-ruld an' watchin'th' freshmen comin' in. How happy they are, but how seeryous. How surethey are iv ivrything. Us old fellows are sure iv nawthin'; we laugh butwe are not cheerful; we have no romance about th' colledge. Ye don'thear us givin' nine long cheers f'r our almy matther. We ain't eventhankful f'r th' lessons it teaches us or th' wallops it hands us whinwe f'rget what we've been taught. We're a sad lot iv old la-ads, hatin'th' school, but hatin' th' grajation exercises aven more.

  "But 'tis a rale pleasure to see th' bright faced freshmen comin' in an'I welcome th' last young fellow fr'm Harvard to our vin'rableinstitution. I like to see these earnest, clear-eyed la-ads comin' in towaken th' echoes iv our grim walls with their young voices. I'm sure th'other undhergrajates will like him. He hasn't been spoiled be bein' th'star iv his school f'r so long, Charles seems to me to be th' normalhealthy boy. He does exactly what all freshmen in our university do whinthey enther. He tells people what books they shud read an' he invints anew relligon. Ivry well-ordhered la-ad has to get these two things outiv his system at wanst. What books does he advise, says ye? I haven'tgot th' complete list yet, but what I seen iv it was good. Speakin' frmesilf alone, I don't read books. They are too stimylatin'. I can getth' same wrong idees iv life fr'm dhrink. But I shud say that if a manwas a confirmed book-reader, if he was a man that cudden't go to sleepwithout takin' a book an' if he read befure breakfast, I shud think thatDoctor Eliot's very old vatted books are comparatively harmless. Theyare sthrong it is thrue. They will go to th' head. I wud advise a manwho is aisily affected be books to stick to Archibald Clavering Gunter.But they will hurt no man who's used to readin'. He has sawed thim outcarefully. 'Give me me tools,' says he, 'an' I will saw out a five-footshelf iv books.' An' he done it. He has th' right idee. He real-izesthat th' first thing to have in a libry is a shelf. Fr'm time to timethis can be decorated with lithrachure. But th' shelf is th' main thing.Otherwise th' libry may get mixed up with readin' matther on th' table.Th' shelf shud thin be nailed to th' wall iliven feet fr'm th' flure an'hermetically sealed.

  "What books does he riccomind? Iv course there's such folklore asEpicbaulus in Marsupia an' th' wurruks iv Hyperphrastus. But it showshow broad an' indulgent th' doctor's taste is that he has includedMilton's Arryopatigica, if I have th' name right. This is what ye mightcall summer readin'. I don't know how I cud describe it to ye, Hinnissy.Ye wudden't hardly call it a detective story an' yet it ain't a problemplay. Areopapigica is a Greek gur-rul who becomes th' iditor iv a dailynewspaper. That is th' beginnin' iv th' plot. I won't tell ye how itcomes out. I don't want to spile ye'er injymint iv it. But ye'll niverguess who committed th' crime. It is absolutely unexpicted. A mostinjanyous book an' wan iv th' best sellers iv its day. There were foureditions iv thirty copies each an' I don't know how manny paper-coveredcopies at fifty cents were printed f'r circulation on th' mail coaches.I'm not sure if it iver was dhramatized; if it wasn't, there's a chanstf'r some manager.

  "The darin' rescue iv Areopatigica be Oliver Cromwell--but I won't tellye. Ye must read it. There ar-re some awful comical things in it. Idon't agree with Uncle Joe Cannon, who says it is trashy. It is light,perhaps even frivolous. But it has gr-reat merit. I can't think ivannything that wud be more agreeable thin lyin' in a hammock, with aglass iv somethin' in ye'er hand on a hot day an' readin' this littlejim iv pure English an' havin' a profissor fr'm colledge within aisycall to tell ye what it all meant. I niver go f'r a long journey. I maneI niver go f'r a long journey without a copy iv Milton's Agropapitica inme pocket. I have lent it to brakemen an' they have invaryably returnedit. I have read it to men that wanted to fight me an' quited thim. Yethow few people iv our day have read it! I'll bet ye eight dollars thatif ye wait till th' stores let out ye can go on th' sthreet an' out ivivry ten men ye meet at laste two, an' I'll take odds on three, haveniver aven heerd iv this pow'ful thragedy. Yet while it was runnin' yecudden't buy a copy iv th' Fireside Companyon an' f'r two cinchries ithas proticted th' shelves iv more libries thin anny iv Milton's pomes,f'r Hogan tells me this author, who ye hardly iver hear mentioned in th'sthreet cars at th' prisint moment, was a pote as well as an author an'blind at that, an', what is more, held a prom'nent pollytickal job. Iwondher if two hundred years fr'm now people will cease to talk ivWilliam Jennings Bryan. He won't, but will they?

  "Well, sir, it must be a grand thing to injye good books, but it must begrander still to injye anny kind iv books. Hogan can read annything. Heain't a bit particklar. He's tur-rbly addicted to th' habit. Long yearsago I decided that I cudden't read annything but th' lightest newspaperwith me meals. I seldom read between meals excipt now an' thin f'rsocyability's sake. If I am with people that are readin' I'm very apt tojine thim so's not to appear to be bad company. But Hogan is always atit. I wudden't mind if he wint out boldly to readin'-rooms an' thin letit alone. But he reads whin he is be himsilf. He reads in bed. He readswith his meals. He is a secret reader. He nips in second-hand bookstores. He can't go on a thrain an' have anny fun lookin' at th' otherpassengers or invyin th' farmers their fields an' not invyin' theirhouses. Not a bit iv it. He has to put a book in his pocket. He'll tellye that th' on'y readin' is Doctor Eliot's cillybrated old blend an'he'll talk larnedly about th' varyous vintages. But I've seen him readbooks that wud kill a thruckman. Th' result iv it is that Hogan isalways wrong about ivrything. He sees th' wurruld upside down. Some menare affected diff'rent. Readin' makes thim weep. But it makes Hoganbelieve in fairies while he's at it. He's irresponsible. There ain'tannything in th' wurruld f'r him but dark villyans an' blond heroes. An'he's always fightin' these here imaginary inimies an' frinds, wantin' todesthroy a poor, tired, scared villyan, an' losin' his good money to ahero. I've thried to stop him. 'Use ye'er willpower,' say I. 'Limitye'ersilf to a book or two a day,' says I. 'Stay in th' open air. Takesoft readin'. How d'ye expict to get on in th' wurruld th' way ye aregoin'? Who wud make a confirmed reader th' cashier iv a bank? Ye'ddivide ye'er customers into villyans an' heroes an' ye wudden't lendmoney to th' villyans. An' thin ye'd be wrong aven if ye were right. F'rth' villyans wud be more apt to have th' money to bring back thin th'heroes,' says I. 'Ye may be right,' says he. 'But 'tis too late to doannything with me. An' I don't care. It may hurt me in th' eyes iv mefellow counthrymen, but look at th' fun I get out iv it. I wudden'tthrade th' injanyous wicked people an' th' saints that I see f'r allth' poor, dull, half-an'-half crathers that ye find in th' wurruld,'says he.

  "An' there ye ar-re. It's just as his frind, th' most prom'nentget-rich-quick-man iv his time, wanst said: 'Readin' makes a man full.'An' maybe Hogan's right. Annyhow, I'm glad to have him advised about hisbooks so that he won't hurt himsilf with lithrachoor that don't comeundher th' pure food act. An' I'm glad to welcome our young friendCharles Eliot into our ancient univarsity. He'll like it f'r awhile. Heis sure to make th' team an' I wudden't mind seein' him captain iv it.'Tis a gr-reat colledge afther all, an' if it makes me mad part iv th'time, because I'm always gettin' licked f'r what somebody else has done,on th' whole I injye it. Th' coorse is hard. Ivry man, woman, an' childis profissor an' student to ye. Th' examinations are tough. Ye niverknow whin they're goin' to take place or what they'll be about.Profissor Eliot may pass ye on'y to have Profissor Hinnissy turn yedown. But there's wan sure thing--ye'll be grajiated. Ye'll get th'usual diploma. Ye'll grajiate not because iv annything ye've done, butbecause ye'er room is needed. 'I like th' old place,' says ye. 'An' I'mjust beginnin' to larn,' says ye. 'Pass on, blockhead,' says th'faculty. 'Pass on, Hinnissy--ye'll niver larn annyth
ing.' An' there yeare. What'll ye take?"

  "I wudden't mind havin' a little"--began Mr. Hennessy.

  "I don't mean what you mean," said Mr. Dooley. "Will ye have th' avenin'paper or a little iv th' old stuff off th' shelf?"