Mr. Dooley: In the Hearts of His Countrymen Read online

  "Well, sir, Hogan is Cy in th' play; an' th' beak is pa-art iv him.What does he do? He goes up to Toolan, an' says he: 'Ye don't like menose. It's an ilicthric light globe. Blow it out. It's a Swiss cheese.Cut it off, if ye want to. It's a brick in a hat. Kick it. It's aballoon. Hang a basket on it, an' we'll have an' ascinsion. It's adure-bell knob. Ring it. It's a punchin' bag. Hit it, if ye dahr. F'rtwo pins I'd push in th' face iv ye.' An', mind ye, Hinnissy, Toolanhad said not wan wurrud about th' beak,--not wan wurrud. An' ivry wanin th' house was talkin' about it, an' wondhrin' whin it 'd come offan' smash somewan's fut. I looked f'r a fight there an' thin. ButToolan's a poor-spirited thing, an' he wint away. At that up comesScanlan; an' says he: 'Look here, young fellow,' he says, 'don't getgay,' he says, 'don't get gay,' he says. 'What's that?' says Hogan.Whin a man says, 'What's that?' in a bar-room, it manes a fight, if hesays it wanst. If he says it twict, it manes a fut race. 'I say,' saysScanlan, 'that, if ye make anny more funny cracks, I'll hitch a horseto that basket fender,' he says, 'an' dhrag it fr'm ye,' he says. Atthat Hogan dhrew his soord, an' says he: 'Come on,' he says, 'come on,an' take a lickin,' he says. An' Scanlan dhrew his soord, too. 'Wait,'says Hogan. 'Wait a minyit,' he says. 'I must think,' he says. 'I mustthink a pome,' he says. 'Whiniver I fight,' he says, 'I always have apome,' he says. 'Glory be,' says I, 'there's Scanlan's chanst to giveit to him,' I says. But Scanlan was as slow as a dhray; an', before hecud get action, Hogan was at him, l'adin' with th' pome an' counthrin'with the soord. 'I'll call this pome,' he says, 'a pome about a gazaboI wanst had a dool with in Finucane's hall,' he says. 'I'll threat yer-right,' he says, 'an' at the last line I'll hand ye wan,' he says.An' he done it. 'Go in,' he says in th' pome, 'go in an' do ye'erworst,' he says. 'I make a pass at ye'er stomach,' he says, 'I crossye with me right,' he says; 'an,' he says at th' last line, he says,'I soak ye,' he says. An' he done it. Th' minyit 'twas over with th'pome 'twas off with Scanlan. Th' soord wint into him, an' he sunk downto th' flure; an' they had to carry him off. Well, sir, Hogan was thatproud ye cudden't hold him f'r th' rest iv th' night. He wint aroundivrywhere stickin' people an' soakin' thim with pothry. He's a gr-reatpote is this here Hogan, an' a gr-reat fighter. He done thim all atboth; but, like me ol' frind Jawn L., he come to th' end. A mandhropped a two-be-four on his head wan day, an' he died. Honoria Caseywas with him as he passed away, an' she says, 'How d'ye feel?' 'Allright,' says Hogan. 'But wan thing I'll tell ye has made life worthlivin',' he says. 'What's that?' says Miss Casey. 'I know,' says I.'Annywan cud guess it. He manes his nose,' I says. But ivrywan on th'stage give it up. 'Ye don't know,' says Hogan. ''Tis me hat,' he says;an', makin a low bow to th' aujience, he fell to th' flure so hardthat his nose fell off an' rowled down on Mike Finnegan. 'I don't liketh' play,' says Finnegan, 'an' I'll break ye'er nose,' he says; an' hedone it. He's a wild divvle. Hogan thried to rayturn th' compliment onth' sidewalk afterward; but he cudden't think iv a pome, an' Finnegandone him."

  "Well, said Mr. Hennessy, "I'd like to've been there to see th'fightin'."

  "In th' play?" asked Mr. Dooley.

  "No," said Mr. Hennessy. "On th' sidewalk."

  THE UNION OF TWO GREAT FORTUNES.

  "They'se wan thing that always makes me feel sure iv what Hogan callsth' safety iv our dimmycratic institutions," said Mr. Dooley, "an'that's th' intherest th' good people iv New York takes in a weddin' ivth' millyionaires. Anny time a millyionaire condiscinds to enther th'martial state, as Hogan says, an', as Hogan says, make vows to Hyman,which is the Jew god iv marredge, he can fill th' house an' turnpeople away fr'm th' dure. An' he does. Th' sthreets is crowded. Th'cars can har'ly get through. Th' polis foorce is out, an' hammerin'th' heads iv th' delighted throng. Riprisintatives iv th' free an'inlightened press, th' pollutyem iv our liberties, as Hogan says,bright, intilligent young journalists, iver ready to probe fraud an'sham, disgeezed as waithers, is dashin' madly about, makin' notes ontheir cuffs. Business is suspinded. They'se no money in Wall Sthreet.It's all at th' sacred scene. Hour be hour, as th' prisints ar-redelivered, th' bank rates go up. Th' Threeasury Departmint has to goon a silver basis, there bein' no goold to mannyfacther into plunks.

  "Inside th' house th' prisints cast a goolden gleam on th' beauchiousscene. Th' happy father is seen seated at a table, dictattin'millyion-dollar checks to a stinographer. Th' goold chandeliers isdraped with r-ropes iv dimon's an' pearls. Th' hired girl is passin'dhrinks in goolden goblets. Twinty firemen fr'm th' New York CinthralRailroad is shovellin' dimon'-studded pickle crutes into th' backyard, among th' yachts an' horses. Chansy Depoo enthers an' thripsover a box iv bonds. 'Ar-re these th' holy bonds iv mathrimony?' hesays; f'r he is a wild divvle, an' ye can't stop his jokin', avin onsolemn occasions.

  "Th' soggarth comes in afther a while, carryin' a goold prayer-book,th' gift iv th' Rothscheelds, an' stands behind a small but vallyablepree Doo. To th' soft, meelojous chune iv th' Wagner Palace Weddin'March fr'm 'Long Green,' th' groom enthers, simply but ixpinsivelyattired in governmint fours, an' fannin' himsilf with a bunch iv firstmorgedge bonds.

  "Th' prayers f'r th' occasion, printed on negotyable paper, isdisthributed among th' guests. Th' bride was delayed be th' crowdoutside. Women screamed an' waved their handkerchefs, sthrong mencheered an' wept; an' 'twas not until th' polis had clubbed tin hardypathrites to death that th' lady cud enther th' house where her fatewas to be sealed. But fin'lly she med it; an' th' two happy, happychildher, whose sunshiny youth riprisinted five thousan' miles ivthrack, eight goold mines, wan hundherd millyion dollars' worth ivrollin' stock, an' a majority intherest in th' Chicago stock yards,was r-ready f'r th' nicissary thransfers that wud establish th'combination.

  "Th' ceremony was brief, but intherestin'. Th' happy father foorcedhis way through dimon' stomachers; an' they was tears in his eyes ashe handed th' clargyman, whose name was Murphy,--but he carriedhimsilf as well as if he was used to it,--handed him a check f'r tinmillyion dollars. I don't blame him. Divvle th' bit! Me own hear-rt ishar-rd an' me eyes ar-re dhry, but I'd break down if I had to handanny wan that much. 'I suppose th' check is good,' says th' clargyman,''Tis certified,' says th' weepin' father. 'Do ye take this check,'says th' clargyman, 'to have an' to hold, until some wan parts ye fr'mit?' he says. 'I do,' says th' young man. 'Thin,' says th' clargyman,'I see no reason why ye shudden't be marrid an' live comfortable,' hesays. An' marrid they were, in th' same ol' foolish way that people'sbeen marrid in f'r cinchries. 'Tis a wondher to me th' ceremony ain'tchanged. Th' time is comin', Hinnissy, whin millyionaires 'll not bemarrid be Father Murphy, but be th' gov'nors iv th' stock exchange.They'll be put through th' clearin' house, me faith, an' securities'll be issued be th' combination. Twinty-year, goold-secured, fourper cint bonds iv mathrimony! Aha, 'tis a joke that Chansy Depoomight 've med!

  "Th' crowd outside waited, cheerin' an' fightin' th' polis. In thishere land iv liberty an' akequality, Hinnissy, ivry man is as good asivry other man, except a polisman. An' it showed how thrue th' peoplein New York is to th' thraditions iv Jefferson that divvle a wan ivthim 'd move away till th' check 'd been passed fr'm father to son, an'th' important part iv th' sacred ceremony was over. Thin a few iv thimwint home to cook dinner f'r their husbands, who was previnted betheir jooties at th' gas-house fr'm attindin' th' function. Th' restraymained an' see th' two gr-reat fortunes get into their carredge,pursued be th' guests to th' amount iv five hundherd millyions,peltin' thim with seed pearls."

  "Sure," said Mr. Hennessy, "mebbe 'twasn't as bad as th' pa-apers leton. Ye can't always thrust thim."

  "P'rhaps not," said Mr. Dooley. "Th' pa-apers say, 'Two gr-reatfortunes united'; an', if that's it, they didn't need th' sarvices iva priest, but a lawyer an' a thrust comp'ny. P'rhaps, with all th'certyfied checks, 'twas two rale people that was marrid; an', ifthat's so, it explains th' prisince if Father Murphy."

  THE DREYFUS CASE.

  I.

  "Th' scene was treemenjously excitin'. Th' little city iv Rennes wasthronged with des'prit journalists that had pled
ged their fortunes an'their sacred honors, an' manny iv thim their watches, to be prisintan' protect th' public again th' degradin' facts. Niver since th' warin Cubia has so manny iv these brave fellows been gathered together atth' risk iv their lives fr'm overcrowdin' th' resthrants. No wan hasiver sufficiently described th' turrors iv a corryspondint's lifeexcipt th' corryspondints thimsilves. Gin'rals an' other liars isrewarded. Th' corryspondint gets no credit. No wan will give himcredit. Still he sticks to his post; an' on this pearlous day he wasat Rennes, fightin' th' other corryspondints, or, if he was an Englishjournalist, defindin' th' honor iv Fr-rance again hersilf. 'Tis a goodthing for Fr-rance that there ar-re silf-sacrificin' men that don'tundherstand her language, to presint her vicious nature to th' Englishan' American public. Otherwise, Hinnissy, she might think she was asgood as th' rest iv us.

  "Well, while th' sthreets in Rennes was packed with these dauntlesssouls, ar-rmed with death-dealin' kodaks, there was a commotion nearth' coort-house. Was it a rivolution? Was this th' beginnin' ivanother Saint Barth'mew's Day, whin th' degraded passions in Fr-rance,pent up durin' three hundherd years, 'd break forth again? Was it th'signal iv another div'lish outbreak that 'd show th' thrue nature ivth' Fr-rinch people, disgeezed behind a varnish iv ojoous politenesswhich our waiters know nawthin' about? No, alas! alas! 'twas nawthin'a man cud make more thin a column iv. 'Twas th' ac-cursed janitorgoin' in to open th' degraded windows. Abase th' janitor, abase th'windows! Fear followed uncertainty. No wan knew what moment he mightbe called upon to defind his life with his honor. Suddenly th' brutalpolisman who sthud on gyard waved his hand. What cud the brave men do?They were obliged to rethreat in disordher. But our specialcorryspondint was able f'r to obtain a fine view of th' thrillin'scene that followed. First came th' coort, weepin'. They was followedbe th' gin'rals in th' Fr-rinch ar-rmy, stalwart, fearless men, withcoarse, disagreeable faces. Each gin'ral was attinded be his privatebodygyard iv thried and thrusted perjurers, an' was followed be awagon-load iv forgeries, bogus affidavies, an' other statements ivMajor Estherhazy. Afther thim come th' former ministers iv th'Fr-rinch governmint, makin' an imposin' line, which took three hourspassin' a given point. As they marched, it was seen that they wereshyly kickin' each other.

  "An interval iv silence followed, in which cud be heard cries iv'Abase Dhryfuss!' an' 'Abase Fr-rance!' an' thin come th' man on whomth' lies iv all th' wurruld is cinthred. Captain Dhryfuss plainlyshows his throubles, which have made him look tin years younger. Hisraven hair is intirely white; an' his stalwart frame, with th'shoulders thrown back, is stooped an' weary. His haggard face wasflushed with insolent confidence, an' th' cowa'dice in his face showedin his fearless eye. As he passed, a young Fr-rinch sojer was withdiff'culty resthrained fr'm sthrikin' him an' embracin' him with tearsin his eyes.

  "In th' coort-room th' scene baffled description. It was an inspirin'sight f'r th' judges, whin they were awake. Row on row iv journalists,sharpin' pencils an' slappin' each other's faces, r-rose to th'ceilin'. Here an' there cud be seen a brillyant uniform, denotin' th'prisince iv th' London Times corryspondint. Th' lawn behind th' coortwas thronged with ex-mimbers iv th' Fr-rinch governmint. Th' gin'ralstaff, bein' witnesses f'r th' prosecution, sat with th' coort: th'pris'ner, not bein' able to find a chair, sat on th' window-sill. Hisinthrest in th' proceedin's was much noticed, an' caused gr-reatamusement. Ivrybody was talkin' about th' mysteryous lady in white.Who is she? Some say she is a Dhryfussard in th' imploy ivRothscheeld; others, that she is an agent iv th' Anti-Semites. No wanhas learned her name. She says she is Madame Lucille Gazahs, iv wanhundherd an' eight Rue le Bombon, an' is a fav'rite iv th' Fr-rinchstage. She is wan iv th' great mysthries iv this ree-markable thrile.

  "Afther th' coort had kissed th' witnesses, th' proceedin's opined.'Tis thrue, they kiss each other. I wanst see a Fr-rinchman go f'r tokiss a man be th' name iv Doherty, that inthrajooced risolutions infavor iv Fr-rance again Germany at a convintion. Doherty thought hewas afther his ear, an' laid him out. But in Fr-rance 'tis different.They begin be kissin', an' this thrile opined this way.

  "'Pris'ner,' said th' prisident iv th' coort, 'th' eyes iv Fr-rance isupon us, th' honor iv th' nation is at stake. Th' naytional definces,th' integrity iv that ar-rmy upon which Fr-rance must depind in timeiv peace, th' virtue iv public life, an' th' receipts iv th'exposition is involved. Incidentally, ye ar-re bein' thried. But whydhrag in matthers iv no importance? We ar-re insthructed, accordin' toth' pa-apers, be th' Coort iv Cassation, to permit no ividince thatdoes not apply to your connection with th' case. As sojers, we bow toth' superyor will. We will follow out th' instructions iv th' supremecoort. We have not had time to read thim, but we will look at thimafther th' thrile. In th' mane time we will call upon Gin'ral Merceer,that gallant man, to tell us th' sthory iv his life.'

  "'I obey, mon colonel,' says Gin'ral Merceer, kissin' th' coort. 'Notto begin too far back, an' to make a long sthory short, I am an honestman, an' th' son iv an honest man. I admit it.'

  "'Good,' says th' prisident. 'D'ye recognize th' pris'ner?' 'I do,'says Gin'ral Merceer, 'I seen him wanst dhrinkin' a shell iv Munichbeer in a caafe. [Marked sensation in th' coort, an' cries iv 'Abasela bock.']

  "'I says to mesilf thin, "This man is a thraitor." But th' thrainin'iv a sojer makes wan cautious. I determined to fortify mesilf withividince. I put spies on this man, this perfiejous wretch, an'discovered nawthin'. I was paralyzed. An officer iv th' Fr-rinchar-rmy, an' nawthin' suspicyous about him! Damnable! I was withdifficulty resthrained fr'm killin' him. But I desisted. [Cries iv'Shame!'] I said to mesilf: "Th' honor iv Fr-rance is at stake. Th'whole wurruld is lookin' at me, at me, Bill Merceer. I will go to bedan' think it over." I wint to bed. Sleep, blessed sleep that sews upth' confused coat-sleeve iv care, as th' perfiejous Shakspere [criesiv 'Conspuez Shakspere!'] says, dayscinded on me tired eyes. [Thecoort weeps.] I laid aside me honor [cries iv 'Brave gin'ral'] with mecoat [murmurs]. I slept.

  "'I dhreamed that I see th' German Impror playin' a Jew's-harp. [Criesiv 'Abase Rothscheeld!' an' sensation.] I woke with a vi'lent start,th' perspiration poorin' fr'm me rugged brow. "Cap Dhryfuss isguilty," I cried. But no, I will confirm me ividince. I darted into mer-red pants. I dhruv with fury to th' home iv Madame Cleepathry, th'cillibrated Agyptian asthrologist an' med'cin woman. [Th' coort, 'Weknow her, she supplies ividence to all Fr-rinch coorts.'] I tol' herme dhream. She projoosed a pack iv cards. She tur-rned a r-red kingan' a black knave. "Th' Impror Willum an' Cap Dhryfuss," I says, in afury. I burst forth. I had Cap Dhryfuss arristed. I dashed to th'prisident. He was a-receivin' rayfusals f'r a new cabinet. "I havefound th' thraitor," says I. "Hush!" says he. "If th' Impror Willumhears ye, he'll declare war," he says. I was stupefied. "Oh, mybeloved counthry!" I cried. "Oh, hivin!" I cried. "What shall I do?"I cried. They was not a minyit to lose. I disbanded th' ar-rmy. Iordhered th' navy into dhry dock. I had me pitcher took, I wint homean' hid in th' cellar. F'r wan night Fr-rance was safe.'

  "They was hardly a dhry eye in th' house whin th' gin'ral paused. Th'coort wept. Th' aujience wept. Siv'ral of th' minor journalists wasswept out iv th' room in th' flood. A man shovellin' coal in th'cellar sint up f'r an umbrella. Th' lawn shook with th' convulsivesobs iv th' former ministers. Gin'ral Merceer raised his damp face,an' blew a kiss to a former minister at wan iv th' windows, an'resumed his tistimony."

  THE DREYFUS CASE.

  II.

  "'It was about this time or some years later,' continues Gin'ralMerceer, 'that I received ividince iv th' Cap's guilt. I made itmesilf. It was a letter written be me fr'm th' Cap to a German grocer,askin' f'r twinty r-rounds iv sausage. [Turmoil in the coort.] It wasimpossible, mon colonel, that this here letter cud have been writtenbe Estherhazy. In th' first place he was in Paris at th' time, in th'sicond place he was in London. Th' letter is not in his handwritin',but in th' handwritin' iv Colonel Pat th' Clam. Thin again I wrote th'letter mesilf. Thin who cud 've written it? It must 've been CapDhryfuss. [Cheers fr'm th' coort.] I give me reasons
as they occurredto me: First, th' Armeenyan athrocities; sicond, th' risignation ivGin'ral Alger; third, th' marriage iv Prince Lobengula; fourth, th'scarcity iv sarvint girls in th' sooburban towns; fifth, th' price ivgas. [Cries iv 'Abase th' price iv gas!'] I thank th' aujience. I willraysume where I left off. I was speakin' iv Gin'ral Guns. I met him onth' sthreet. Th' moon was clear in th' sky. I says, "Guns," I says,"lave us go down to Hogan's, an' I'll buy ye a tub iv obsceenthe." Aswe sthrolled through th' bullyvard, I saw a man that looked like aGerman dhrivin' a cab. I was overcome with terror. I ran madly home,followed be Guns. It was a week befure I cud hold a glass ivobsceenthe without spillin' th' liquor. Shortly afther this, or itmay've been tin years befure, or it may niver have occurred [thecoort, 'Spoken like a Fr-rinchman an' a sojer'], in th' middle iv Julya man tol' me that the divine Sara [wild an' continyous applause,cries iv 'Sara foriver!'] was about to projooce th' immortal play iv"Omlet" [cheers] be th' wretched Shakspere [hisses]. Cud annything beclearer? I will detain th' coort not longer thin a day while I give meopinyon on this marvellous performance.'

  "Cap Dhryfuss was settin' on th' window-sill, whistlin' 'Garry Owen,'an' makin' faces at th' gallant corryspondint iv th' Daily Wrongs ivMan. At this point he cried out laughingly: 'I will not conthradictth' gin'ral. I will say he lies. I saw th' letter mesilf, an' that manwas Esterhazy.' [Sensation.]

  "'Let me ask this canal iv a Jew a question,' says th' corryspondintiv th' evening Rothscheeld Roaster, a Fr-rinchman be th' name iv SolLevi.

  "'Ask it,' says Cap Dhryfuss.

  "'You are a despicable thraitor,' says th' gallant corryspondint.[Sensation.]