Mr. Dooley in Peace and in War Page 12

  "I'll get ye what ye want," said Mr. Hennessy, "if ye'll tell me what itis, an' it don't cost too much."

  "Will ye?" said Mr. Dooley, eagerly.

  "I will," said Mr. Hennessy, "if 'tis within me means."

  "Ye're jokin'," said Mr. Dooley.

  "I'm not. I mane it."

  "Do ye, honest?"

  "I do so."

  "Thin," said Mr. Dooley, "get me th' Audjitooroom. I've wanted that toplay with f'r manny years."

  And Mr. Hennessy went away with the rocking-chair under his arm, thedoll in his pocket, and dumb anger in his heart.

  ON ANARCHISTS.

  "'Tis ha-ard bein' a king these days," said Mr. Dooley. "Manny's th' manon a throne wishes his father'd brought him up a cooper, what with wagesbein' docked be parlymints an' ragin' arnychists r-runnin' wild withdinnymite bombs undher their ar-rms an' carvin'-knives in their pockets.

  "Onaisy, as Hogan says, is th' head that wears a crown. They'se otherheads that're onaisy, too; but ye don't hear iv thim. But a man gr-rowsup in wan iv thim furrin counthries, an' he's thrained f'r to be a king.Hivin may've intinded him f'r a dooce or a jack, at th' most; but he hasto follow th' same line as his father. 'Tis like pawn-brokin' that way.Ye niver heerd iv a pawnbroker's son doin' annything else. Wanst a king,always a king. Other men's sons may pack away a shirt in a thrunk, an'go out into th' wurruld, brakin' on a freight or ladin' Indyanny bankersup to a shell game. But a man that's headed f'r a throne can't r-runaway. He's got to take th' job. If he kicks, they blindfold him an' backhim in. He can't ask f'r his time at th' end iv th' week, an' lave. Hepays himsilf. He can't sthrike, because he'd have to ordher out th'polis to subjoo himsilf. He can't go to th' boss, an' say: 'Me hours istoo long an' th' wurruk is tajious. Give me me pay-check.' He has noboss. A man can't be indipindint onless he has a boss. 'Tis thrue. So hetakes th' place, an' th' chances ar-re he's th' biggest omadhon in th'wurruld, an' knows no more about r-runnin' a counthry thin I know aboutladin' an orchesthry. An', if he don't do annything, he's a dummy, an',if he does do annything, he's crazy; an' whin he dies, his foremansays: 'Sure, 'tis th' divvle's own time I had savin' that bosthoon fr'mdesthroyin' himsilf. If it wasn't f'r me, th' poor thing'd have closeddown the wurruks, an' gone to th' far-rm long ago.' An' wan day, whinhe's takin' th' air, p'raps, along comes an Eyetalyan, an' says he,'Ar-re ye a king?' 'That's my name,' says his majesty. 'Betther dead,'says th' Eyetalyan; an' they'se a scramble, an' another king goes overth' long r-road.

  "I don't know much about arnychists. We had thim here--wanst. They wintagain polismen, mostly. Mebbe that's because polismen's th' nearestthings to kings they cud find. But, annyhow, I sometimes think I knowwhy they're arnychists somewhere, an' why they ain't in other places. Itminds me iv what happened wanst in me cousin Terence's fam'ly. They waslivin' down near Healey's slough in wan iv thim ol' Doherty'shouses,--not Doherty that ye know, th' j'iner, a good man whin he don'tdhrink. No, 'twas an ol' grouch iv a man be th' name iv Malachi Dohertythat used to keep five-day notices in his thrunk, an' ownded his ownprivit justice iv th' peace. Me cousin Terence was as dacint a man asiver shoed a hor-rse; an his wife was a good woman, too, though I nivertook much to th' Dolans. Fr'm Tipperary, they was, an' too handythrowin' things at ye. An' he had a nice fam'ly growin' up, an' I niverknowed people that lived together more quite an' amyable. 'Twas good f'rto see thim settin' ar-roun' th' parlor,--Terence spellin' out th'newspaper, an' his good woman mendin' socks, an' Honoria playin' th''Vale iv Avoca' on th' pianny, an' th' kids r-rowlin' on th' flure.

  "But wan day it happened that that whole fam'ly begun to rasp on wananother. Honoria'd set down at th' pianny, an' th' ol' man'd growl: 'F'rth' love iv th' saints, close down that hurdy-gurdy, an' lave a maninjye his headache!' An' th' good woman scolded Terence, an' th' kidspulled th' leg fr'm undher th' stove; an', whin th' big boy Mike comehome fr'm Omaha, he found none iv thim speakin' to th' others. He cud donawthin', an' he wint f'r Father Kelly. Father Kelly sniffed th' airwhin he come in; an' says he, 'Terence, what's th' matther with ye'ercatch basin?' 'I dinnaw,' growled Terence. 'Well,' says Father Kelly,'ye put on ye'er hat this minyit, an' go out f'r a plumber,' he says.'I'm not needed here,' he says. 'Ye'er sowls ar-re all r-right,' hesays; 'but ye'er systems ar-re out iv ordher,' he says. 'Fetch in aplumber,' he says, 'whilst I goes down to Doherty, an' make him thinkhis lease on th' hereafther is defective,' he says."

  "Ye're right," said Mr. Hennessy, who had followed the argument dimly.

  "Iv coorse I'm right," said Mr. Dooley. "What they need over there infurrin' counthries is not a priest, but a plumber. 'Tis no good prayin'again arnychists, Hinnissy. Arnychists is sewer gas."

  ON THE DREYFUS CASE.

  "I see be th' pa-apers," said Mr. Dooley, "that Col. Hinnery, th' manthat sint me frind Cap. Dhry-fuss to th' cage, has moved on. I supposethey'll give th' Cap a new thrile now."

  "I hope they won't," said Mr. Hennessy. "I don't know annything aboutit, but I think he's guilty. He's a Jew."

  "Well," said Mr. Dooley, "ye'er thoughts on this subject is inthrestin',but not conclusive, as Dorsey said to th' Pollack that thought he cudlick him. Ye have a r-right to ye'er opinyon, an' ye'll hold it annyhow,whether ye have a r-right to it or not. Like most iv ye'erfellow-citizens, ye start impartial. Ye don't know annything about th'case. If ye knew annything, ye'd not have an opinyon wan way or th'other. They'se niver been a matther come up in my time that th' Americanpeople was so sure about as they ar-re about th' Dhryfliss case. Th'Frinch ar-re not so sure, but they'se not a polisman in this counthrythat can't tell ye jus' where Dhry-russ was whin th' remains iv th' poorgirl was found. That's because th' thrile was secret. If 'twas an openthrile, an' ye heerd th' tistimony, an' knew th' language, an' saw th'safe afther 'twas blown open, ye'd be puzzled, an' not care a rushwhether Dhry-fuss was naked in a cage or takin' tay with his uncle atth' Benny Brith Club.

  "I haven't made up me mind whether th' Cap done th' shootin' or not. Hewas certainly in th' neighborhood whin th' fire started, an' th' polisdug up quite a lot iv lead pipe in his back yard. But it's wan thing tosus-pect a man iv doin' a job an' another thing to prove that he didn't.Me frind Zola thinks he's innocint, an' he raised th' divvle at th'thrile. Whin th' judge come up on th' bench an' opined th' coort, Zolawas settin' down below with th' lawyers. 'Let us pro-ceed,' says th'impartial an' fair-minded judge, 'to th' thrile iv th' haynious monstherCap Dhry-fuss,' he says. Up jumps Zola, an' says he in Frinch:'Jackuse,' he says, which is a hell of a mane thing to say to anny man.An' they thrun him out. 'Judge,' says th' attorney f'r th' difinse, 'an'gintlemen iv th' jury,' he says. 'Ye're a liar,' says th' judge. 'Cap,ye're guilty, an' ye know it,' he says. 'Th' decision iv th' coort isthat ye be put in a cage, an' sint to th' Divvle's own island f'r th'r-rest iv ye'er life,' he says. 'Let us pro-ceed to hearin' th'tistimony,' he says. 'Call all th' witnesses at wanst,' he says, 'an'lave thim have it out on th' flure,' he says. Be this time Zola has comeback; an' he jumps up, an', says he, 'Jackuse,' he says. An' they thrunhim out.

  "'Befure we go anny farther,' says th' lawyer f'r th' difinse, 'I wishto sarve notice that, whin this thrile is over, I intind,' he says, 'towait outside,' he says, 'an' hammer th' hon'rable coort into an omelet,'he says. 'With these few remarks I will close,' he says. 'Th' coort,'says th' judge, 'is always r-ready to defind th' honor iv France,' hesays; 'an', if th' larned counsel will con-sint,' he says, 'to step uphere f'r a minyit,' he says, 'th' coort'll put a sthrangle hold on himthat'll not do him a bit iv good,' he says. 'Ah!' he says. 'Here's meol' frind Pat th' Clam,' he says. 'Pat, what d'ye know about this case?'he says. 'None iv ye'er business,' says Pat. 'Answered like a man an' asojer,' says th' coort. 'Jackuse,' says Zola fr'm th' dureway. An' theythrun him out. 'Call Col. Hinnery,' says th' coort. 'He ray-fuses toanswer.' 'Good. Th' case is clear. Cap forged th' will. Th' coort willnow adjourn f'r dools, an' all ladin' officers iv th' ar-rmy not indisgrace already will assimble in jail, an' com-mit suicide,' he says.'Jackuse,' says Zola, an' sta
rted f'r th' woods, pursued be hisfellow-editors. He's off somewhere in a three now hollerin' 'Jackuse' ativry wan that passes, sufferin' martyrdom f'r his counthry an' writin'now an' thin about it all.

  "That's all I know about Cap Dhry-fuss' case, an' that's all anny manknows. Ye didn't know as much, Hinnissy, till I told ye. I don't knowwhether Cap stole th' dog or not."

  "What's he charged with?" Mr. Hennessy asked, in bewilderment.

  "I'll niver tell ye," said Mr. Dooley. "It's too much to ask."

  "Well, annyhow," said Mr. Hennessy, "he's guilty, ye can bet on that."

  ON THE DECADENCE OF GREECE.

  "That young Hogan is a smart la-ad," said Mr. Dooley. "A smart la-ad an'a good wan, too."

  "None betther," said Mr. Hennessy.

  "None betther in th' ward," said Mr. Dooley, which was a highappreciation. "But there ar-re things about human nature an' histhrythat ain't taught at Saint Ignateeus'. I tell thim to Hogan's la-ad.

  "He was walkin' be th' store wan day las' week, an' I ast him how th'wa-ar wint. 'Tis sthrange, with churches two in a block, an' publicschools as thick as lamp-posts, that, whin a man stops ye on th'sthreet, he'll ayether ast ye th' scoor iv th' base-ball game or talk ivth' Greek war with ye. I ain't seen annything that happened sinceParnell's day that's aroused so much enthusyasm on th' Ar-rchey Road asth' Greek war. 'How goes th' war?' says I to young Hogan, 'How goes thewar between th' ac-cursed infidel an' th' dog iv a Christian?' I says.'It goes bad,' he says. 'Th' Greeks won a thremenjous battle, killin'manny millions iv th' Moslem murdherers, but was obliged to retreatthirty-two miles in a gallop.' 'Is that so?' says I. 'Sure that seems tobe their luck,' I says. 'Whin-iver they win, they lose; an', whin theylose, they lose,' I says. 'What ails thim?' I says. 'Is th' rifereeagain thim?' 'I can't make it out,' he says, while a tear sthud in hiseye. 'Whin I think iv Leonidas at th' pass iv Thermometer,' he says,'an' So-an'-so on th' field iv Marathon an' This-or-that th' Spartanhero,' he says, 'I cannot undherstand f'r th' life iv me why th' Greeksshud have been dhruv fr'm pillar to post be an ar-rmy iv slaves. Didn'tLeonidas, with hardly as manny men as there are Raypublicans in thisprecint, hold th' pass again a savage horde?' he says. 'He did,' says I.'He did.' 'An' didn't What's-his-name on th' field iv Marathon overcomean' desthroy th' ravagin' armies iv Persia?' he says. 'Thrue f'r ye,'says I. 'There's no doubt in th' wurruld about it,' I says. 'An' look atAlexander th' Great,' he says. 'Aleck was a turror, an' no mistake,'says I. 'An' Miltiades,' he says. 'I on'y know what I hear iv him,' saysI. 'But fr'm all accounts he must have been consid'rable iv a fellow,'says I. 'An' in later days Marco Boozaris,' he says. 'He was th' manthat come in con-sumption's dreaded form,' says I, 'an' he was afraid ivno man.' 'Well, thin,' says he, 'how ar-re we to account f'r thisdisgrace?' he says.

  "'Well,' says I, 'd'ye raymimber th' fightin' tenth precint? Ye must'veheerd ye'er father tell about it. It was famous f'r th' quality an'quantity iv th' warfare put up in it. Ivry man in th' tenth precint cudfight his weight in scrap-iron. Most iv thim come fr'm th' ancientHellenic province iv May-o; but they was a fair sprinklin' iv Greekheroes fr'm Roscommon an' Tipperary, an' a few from th' historic spotwhere th' Head iv Kinsale looks out on th' sea, an' th' sea looks up atth' Head iv Kinsale. Th' little boys cud box befure they was out ivskirts. Far an' wide, th' tenth precint was th' turror iv its inimies.Ye talk about Leonidas an' th' pass iv Thermometer. Ye ought to've seenMike Riordan an' his fam'ly defindin' th' pollin'-place whin EddieBurke's brigade charged it wan fine day. That hero sthud f'r four hoursin th' dureway, ar-rmed on'y with a monkey-wrinch, an' built a wall ivinvaders in frint iv him till th' judges cud dig their way out throughth' cellar, an' escape to th' polis station.

  "'F'r manny years th' tenth precint was th' banner precint iv th' SixthWa-ard, an' its gallant heroes repelled all attacks by land or Healey'sslough. But, as time wint by, changes come over it. Th' Hannigans an'Leonidases an' Caseys moved out, havin' made their pile. Some iv th'grandest iv th' heroes died, an' their fam'lies were broke up. PolishJews an' Swedes an' Germans an' Hollanders swarmed in, settlin' down onth' sacred sites,' I says. 'Wan night three years ago, a band iv rovin'Bohemians fr'm th' Eighth Ward come acrost th' river, kickin' overbar'ls an' ash-boxes, an' swooped down on th' tenth precint. MikeRiordan, him that kept th' pollin'-place in th' good days iv old, wasth' on'y wan iv th' race iv ancient heroes on earth. He thried to rallyth' ingloryous descindants iv a proud people. F'r a while they made astand in Halsted Sthreet, an' shouted bad but difficult names at th'infidel hordes, an' threw bricks that laid out their own people. But itwas on'y f'r a moment. In another they tur-rned an' r-run, lavin' MikeRiordan standin' alone in th' mist iv th' fray. If it wasn't f'r th'intervintion iv th' powers in th' shape iv th' loot an' a wagon-load ivpolismin, th' Bohemians'd have devastated as far as th' ruins iv th'gas-house, which is th' same as that there Acropulist ye talk about,'says I.

  "'No, my son,' says I. 'On account iv th' fluctuations in rint an'throuble with th' landlord it's not safe to presoom that th' same fam'lyalways lives in th' wan house. Th' very thing happened to Greece thathas happened to th' tenth precint iv th' Sixth Ward. Th' Greeks havemoved out, an' th' Swedes come in. Ye yet may live to see th' day,' saysI, 'whin what is thrue iv Athens an' th' tenth precint will be thrue ivth' whole Sixth Wa-ard.'"

  "Ye don't mean that," said Mr. Hennessy, gasping.

  "I do," said Mr. Dooley, with solemnity. "'Tis histhry."

  ON THE INDIAN WAR.

  "Gin'ral Sherman was wan iv th' smartest men we iver had," said Mr.Dooley. "He said so manny bright things. 'Twas him said, 'War is hell';an' that's wan iv th' finest sayin's I know annything about. 'War ishell': 'tis a thrue wurrud an' a fine sintiment. An' Gin'ral Shermansays, 'Th' on'y good Indyun is a dead Indyun.' An' that's a good sayin',too. So, be th' powers, we've started in again to improve th' race; an',if we can get in Gatlin' guns enough befure th' winter's snows, we'lltur-rn thim Chippeways into a cimitry branch iv th' Young Men'sChristyan Association. We will so.

  "Ye see, Hinnissy, th' Indyun is bound f'r to give way to th' onwardmarch iv white civilization. You an' me, Hinnissy, is th' whitecivilization. I come along, an' I find ol' Snakes-in-his-Gaiters livin'quite an' dacint in a new frame house. Thinks I, ''Tis a shame f'r tolave this savage man in possession iv this fine abode, an' him not ablef'r to vote an' without a frind on th' polis foorce.' So says I:'Snakes,' I says, 'get along,' says I. 'I want ye'er house, an' ye bestmove out west iv th' thracks, an' dig a hole f'r ye'ersilf,' I says.'Divvle th' fut I will step out iv this house,' says Snakes. 'I builtit, an' I have th' law on me side,' he says. 'F'r why should I take MaryAnn, an' Terence, an' Honoria, an' Robert Immitt Snakes, an' all melittle Snakeses, an' rustle out west iv th' thracks,' he says, 'far fr'mth' bones iv me ancestors,' he says, 'an beyond th' water-pipeextinsion,' he says. 'Because,' says I, 'I am th' walkin' dilygate ivwhite civilization,' I says. 'I'm jus' as civilized as you,' saysSnakes. 'I wear pants,' he says, 'an' a plug hat,' he says. 'Ye mightwear tin pair,' says I, 'an' all at wanst,' I says, 'an' ye'd still be asavage,' says I; 'an' I'd be civilized,' I says, 'if I hadn't on so muchas a bangle bracelet,' I says. 'So get out,' says I. 'So get out,' saysI, 'f'r th' pianny movers is outside, r-ready to go to wurruk,' I says.

  "Well, Snakes he fires a stove lid at me; an' I go down to th' polisstation, an' says I, 'Loot,' I says, 'they'se a dhrunken Indyun notvotin' up near th' mills, an he's carryin' on outrageous, an' he won'tlet me hang me pitchers on his wall,' says I. 'Vile savage,' says th'loot, 'I'll tache him to rayspict th' rules iv civilization,' he says.An' he takes out a wagon load, an' goes afther Snakes. Well, me frindSnakes gives him battle, an', knowin' th' premises well, he's able toput up a gr-reat fight; but afther a while they rip him away, an' havehim in th' pathrol wagon, with a man settin' on his head. An' thin he'sput undher bonds to keep the peace, an' they sind him out west iv th'thracks; an' I move into th' house, an' tear out th' front an' start afaro bank. Some day, whin I get tired or th' Swedes dhrive me out orSchwartz
meister makes his lunch too sthrong f'r competition, I'll goafther Snakes again.

  "Th' on'y hope f'r th Indyun is to put his house on rollers, an' keep ateam hitched to it, an', whin he sees a white man, to start f'r th'settin' sun. He's rooned whin he has a cellar. He ought to put all th'plugged dollars that he gets from th' agent an' be pickin' blueberriesinto rowlin' stock. If he knew annything about balloons, he'd have achanst; but we white men, Hinnissy, has all th' balloons. But, annyhow,he's doomed, as Hogan says. Th' onward march iv th' white civilization,with morgedges an' other modhern improvements, is slowly but surely, asHogan says, chasin' him out; an' th' last iv him'll be livin' in adivin'-bell somewhere out in th' Pacific Ocean."

  "Well," said Mr. Hennessy, the stout philanthropist, "I think so, an'thin again I dinnaw. I don't think we threat thim r-right. If I was th'gover'mint, I'd take what they got, but I'd say, 'Here, take thistin-dollar bill an' go out an' dhrink ye'ersilf to death,' I'd say. Theyought to have some show."

  "Well," said Mr. Dooley, "if ye feel that way, ye ought to go an' inlistas an Indyun."

  ON GOLF.

  "An' what's this game iv goluf like, I dinnaw?" said Mr. Hennessy,lighting his pipe with much unnecessary noise. "Ye're a good deal iv aspoort, Jawnny: did ye iver thry it?"

  "No," said Mr. McKenna. "I used to roll a hoop onct upon a time, but I'mout of condition now."

  "It ain't like base-ball," said Mr. Hennessy, "an' it ain't like shinny,an' it ain't like lawn-teenis, an' it ain't like forty-fives, an' itain't"--