Mr. Dooley Says Read online

  THE ARMY CANTEEN

  "I seen big Doherty runnin' in a sojer to-day an' 'twas a fine sight.Th' sojer was fr'm th' County Kerry an' had a thrip an' Doherty is th'champeen catch-as-catch-can rassler iv Camp Twinty-eight. He had alittle th' worst iv it, f'r he cud on'y get a neck holt, th' warryorhavin' no slack to his pants, but he landed him at last. 'Twas gr-reatto see thim doin' a cart-wheel down th' sthreet."

  "Was th' sojer under th' influence?" asked Mr. Hennessy.

  "Ye might say he was," said Mr. Dooley. "That is, ye might say so if yedidn't know that th' dhrinkin' habits iv' th' army have been rayformed.Didn't ye know they were? They ar-re. Yes, sir. Th' motto iv our bravefellows is now 'Away, away, th' bowl,' 'Tis 'Wine f'r th' thremblin'debauchee, but water, pure water, f'r me,' 'Tis 'Father, dear father,come home with me now.' An' who did it? Who is it that improves men an'makes thim more ladylike, an' thin quits thim, but th' ladies? This herereform was carried out be th' Young Ladies' Christyan Tim'prance Union,no less. Ye see, 'twas this way. F'r manny years it's been th' theerythat dhrink an' fightin' wint arm-in-arm. If ye dhrank ye fought; if yefought ye drank to fight again. As Hogan says, Mars, who was th' gawd ivwar, was no good onless he was pushed into throuble be Backis, the gawdiv dhrink. About th' time Mars was r-ready to quit an' go home to do th'Spring plowin', Backis handed him a jigger iv kerosene an' says: 'Thatfellow over there is leerin' at ye. Ar-re ye goin' to stand that?' an'Mars bustled in. Th' barkeeper an' th' banker ar-re behind ivry war.

  "Well, in former times th' Governmint kept a saloon f'r th' sojers. Upat Fort Shurdan they had a ginmill where th' warryors cud go an' besotthimsilves with bottled beer an' dominoes. It was a sad sight to seethim grim heroes, survivors iv a thousand marches through th' dampsthreets on Decoration Day, settin' in these temples iv hell an'swillin' down th' hated cochineel that has made Milwaukee what it is. Tothis palace iv vice th' inthrepid definder iv his Nation's honorhastened whin he had completed th' arjoos round iv his jooties, after hehad pressed th' Lootinant's clothes, curried th' Captain's horse, mendedth' roof iv th' Major's house, watered th' geeranyums f'r th' Colonel'swife, an' written his daily letter to th' paper complainin' about th'food. There he sat an' dhrank an' fought over his old battles with th'cook an' recalled th' name that he give whin he first enlisted an'thried to think who it was he married in Fort Leavenworth, ontil th'bugle summoned him to th' awful carnage called supper.

  "Well, sir, 'twas dhreadful. We opposed it as much as we cud. As adillygate to th' Binivolent Assoeyation iv Saloon Keepers iv AmericaI've helped to pass manny resolutions to save our brave boys in yellowfr'm th' insidyous foe that robs thim iv what intellicts they show begoin' into the army. Our organ-ization petitioned Congress time an' timeagain to take th' Governmint out iv this vile poorsoot that was sappin'th' very vitals iv our sojery. Why, we asked, shud Uncle Sam engage inthis thraffic in th' souls iv men without payin' f'r a license, whindacint citizens were puttin' up their good money a block away an' nivera soul comin' down fr'm th' fort to be thrafficked in? Did Congress payanny attintion to us? It did not.

  "But wan day a comity iv ladies fr'm th' Young Ladies' ChristyanTimp'rance Union wint out to th' fort. They'd seen th' Colonel at th'last p'rade an' they'd decided that 'twas high time they disthributedcopies iv 'Death in th' Bottle; or, Th' Booze-Fighter's Finish,' amongour sojery. Whin they got up there they seen a large bunch iv ourgallant fellows makin' a dash f'r an outlyin' building, an' says wan ivthim: 'What can they be in such a hurry f'r? That must be th' chapel.Let us go in.' An' in they wint.

  "Hinnissy, th' sight that met their young an' unaccustomed eyes wasenough to shock even a lady lookin' f'r throuble. Th' air was gray an'blue with th' fumes iv that heejous weed that has made mankind happythough single f'r four hundred years, an' that next to alcohol is th'greatest curse iv th' sons iv Adam. Some iv th' wretches were playin'cards, properly called th' Divvle's bible; others were indulgin' inmusic, that lure iv th' Evil Wan f'r idleness, while still others wereintint on th' furyous game iv dominoes, whose feet take hold on hell.But worse, still worse, they saw through their girlish spectacles dimmedwith unbidden tears. F'r in front iv each iv these war-battered vethransshtud a bottle, in some cases bar'ly half filled with a brownish-yellowflood with bubbles on top iv it. What was it, says ye? Hardened as I amto dhrink iv ivry kind, I hesitate to mention th' wurrud. Butconcealment is useless. 'Twas beer. These brave men, employed be th'taxpayer iv America to defind th' hearths iv th' tax-dodger iv America,supposed be all iv us to have consicrated their lives to upholdin' th'flag, were at heart votaries, as Hogan says, iv Aloes, gawd iv beer.

  "F'r a moment th' ladies shtud dumfounded. But they did not remain longin this unladylike attichood. Th' Chairwoman iv th' dillygationrecovered her voice an', advancin' to'rd a Sergeant who was thryin' toskin a pair iv fours down so that it wud look like a jack full to hisineebryated opponent, she said: 'Me brave man, d'ye ralize that thatbottle is full iv th' Seed iv Desthruction?' she says. 'I think ye'erwrong, mum,' says he. 'It's Pilsener,' he says. 'Soon or late,' shesays, 'th' Demon Rum will desthroy ye,' she says. 'Not me,' says th'vethran iv a thousand enlistments. 'I don't care f'r rum. A pleasantcompanyon, but a gossip. It tells on ye. Th' Demon Rum with a little ivth' Demon Hot Water an' th' Demon Sugar is very enticin', but it has aperfume to it that is dangerous to a married man like mesilf. Rum,madam, is an informer. Don't niver take it. I agree with ye that it's ademon,' says he. 'Why,' says she, 'do ye drink this dhreadful poison?'says she. 'Because,' says th' brave fellow, 'I can't get annythingsthronger without desertin,' he says.

  "An' they wint down to Washington to see th' Congressmen. Ye know what aCongressman is. I've made a few right here in this barroom. Th' on'ything a Congressman isn't afraid iv is th' on'y thing I'd be afraid iv,an' that is iv bein' a Congressman. An' th' thing he's most afraid iv isth' ladies. A comity iv ladies wud make Congress repeal th' tencommandments. Not that they'd iver ask thim to, Hinnissy. They'd makethim ten thousand if they had their way an' mark thim: 'F'r men on'y.'But, annyhow, th' ladies comity wint down to Washin'ton. They'd beenthere befure an' dhriven th' Demon Rum fr'm th' resthrant into a lairin th' comity room. A Congressman came out, coughin' behind his hand,an' put his handkerchief into th' northwest corner iv his coat.'Ladies,' says he, 'what can I do f'r ye?' he says. 'Ye must save th'ar-rmy fr'm th' malt that biteth like a wasp an' stingeth like anadder,' says they. 'Ye bet ye'er life I will, ladies,' says th'Congressman with a slight hiccup. 'I will do as ye desire. A sojer thatwill dhrink beer is a disgrace to th' American jag,' he says. 'Weabolished public dhrinkin' in th' capitol,' he says. 'We done it to maketh' Sinitors onhappy, but thim hardened tools iv predytory wealth haveordhered ink wells made in th' shape iv decanters. But,' he says, 'th'popylar branch iv th' Naytional Ligislachure is not to be outdone. Yesee these panels on th' wall? I touch a button an' out pops a bottle ivBourbon that wud make ye'er eyes dance. Whoop-ee!'

  "So Congress passed a bill abolishin' th' canteen. An' it's all rightnow. If a sojer wants to desthroy himself he has to walk a block. Someiv me enterprisin' colleagues in th' business have opened placesconvenient to th' fort where th' sons iv Mars, instead iv th' corrodingbeer, can get annything fr'm sulphuric acid to knock-out dhrops. I seewan iv thim stockin' up at a wholesale dhrug store last week. If thesojers escape th' knock-out dhrops they come down-town an' Doherty takescare iv thim. A sojer gets thirteen dollars a month, we'll say. Twelvedollars he can devote to dhrink an' wan dollar to th' fine. Twelve timeseight hundhred an' twelve times that--well, 'tis no small item in th'coorse iv a year. Whin th' Binivolent Assocyation iv Saloonkeepers holdsits next meeting I'm goin' to propose to send dillygates to th' YoungLadies Christyan Timp'rance Union. It ought to be what th' unions callan affilyated organization."

  "Oh, well," said Mr. Hennessy, "they think they're doin' what's right."

  "An' they ar-re," said Mr. Dooley. "Ye'll not find me defindin' th'sellin' iv dhrink to anny man annywhere. There's no wan that's as muchiv a timp'rance man as a man
that's been in my business f'r a year. I'dgive up all th' fun I get out iv dhrinkin' men to escape th' throuble Ihave fr'm dhrunkards. Drink's a poison. I don't deny it. I'll admit I'mno betther thin an ordinhry doctor. Both iv us gives ye something thatcures ye iv th' idee that th' pain in ye'er chest is pnoomony iv th'lungs. If it really is pnoomony ye go off somewhere an' lie down an'ayether ye cure ye'ersilf iv pnoomony or th' pnoomony cures ye iv life.Dhrink niver made a man betther, but it has made manny a man think hewas betther. A little iv it lifts ye out iv th' mud where chance hasthrown ye; a little more makes ye think th' stains on ye'er coat ar-reeppylets; a little more dhrops ye back into th' mud again. It's a frindto thim that ar-re cold to it an' an inimy to those that love it most.It welcomes thim in an' thrips thim as they go out. I tell ye 'tis athreacherous dhrug an' it oughtn't to be given to ivry man.

  "To get a dhrink a man ought first to be examined be his parish priestto see whether he needs it an' how it's goin' to affect him. F'r wan manhe'd write on th' prescription 'Ad lib,' as Dock O'Leary does whin heordhers a mustard plasther f'r me; f'r another he'd write: 'Three timesa day at meals.' But most people he wudden't prescribe it f'r at all.

  "Do I blame th' ladies? Faith, I do not. Ye needn't think I'm proud ivme business. I only took to it because I am too selfish to be a mechanican' too tender-hearted to be a banker or a lawyer. No, sir, I wudden'tcare a sthraw if all th' dhrink in th' wurruld was dumped to-morrah intoth' Atlantic Ocean, although f'r a week or two afther it was I'd have toget me a diving suit if I wanted to see annything iv me frinds.

  "No, sir; th' ladies ar-re not to blame. They've always thried to reformman, an' they haven't yet got onto th' fact that maybe he's not worthreformin'. They don't undherstan' why a man shud be allowed to pizenhimsilf into th' belief that he amounts to something, but thin theydon't undherstand man. They little know what a bluff he is an' how 'tison'y be fortifyin' himsilf with stuff that they regard as iv no useexcept to burn undher a tea-kettle that he dares to go on livin' at all.He knows how good dhrink makes him look to himsilf, an' he dhrinks. Theysee how it makes him look to ivrybody else, an' they want to take itaway fr'm him. Whin he's sober his bluff is on th' outside. Whin he'sdhrunk he makes th' bluff to his own heart. Dhrink turns him inside outas well as upside down, an' while he's congratulatin' himsilf on th'fine man he is, th' neighbors know him f'r a boaster, a cow'rd, an'something iv a liar. That th' ladies see an' hate. They do not know thatthere is wan thing an' on'y wan thing to be said in favor iv dhrink, an'that is that it has caused manny a lady to be loved that otherwisemight've died single."

  "They're all right, said Mr. Hennessy. I'm against it."

  "Yes," said Mr. Dooley. "Anny man is against dhrink that's iver beenreally against it."